


Life is better with friends

by arxiver



Series: Recovery [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Board Games, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky is a John Doe, Depressed Steve, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Kittens, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Recovery through board games, Skinny!Steve, Suicide Attempt, mute!bucky, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-04 06:04:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 59
Words: 65,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5323307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arxiver/pseuds/arxiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve arrives at the mental hospital feeling like his life could never get better.  This changes when he quickly befriends another patient.  The John Doe doesn't speak, but he starts to open up to Steve.  Perhaps together they can recover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Steve arrives at the inpatient facility dead tired and emotionally drained.  He doesn't want to be here.  This place is for nutjobs. He's not crazy he's just a little down.  Steve looks down at the bandages on his arms.  Ok, he thinks, maybe more than a _little_ down. 

 The nurse shows him around the facility. It's nicer than he expected. He's only seen mental hospitals in movies, and they are always dirty and falling down with crazy people running around causing havoc.  This place is new, and clean.  Steve's not in scrubs, he's allowed to wear his own clothes and bring a few possessions.  Nat brought him a book and his sketchpad.

 He's excited when the nurse shows him the art room, then quickly disappointed.  The art room is poorly stocked, and the room is locked when they aren't in art therapy.

 After the tour, Steve sits down on a couch in the main room.  He scans the room; it seems pretty normal.  People are talking or engaged in some activity.  The people seem happy.  _More of the same_ , Steve thinks, _everyone's happy and I'm alone._  

 There is one exception, a guy in the corner staring out the window and silently crying.  The guy is extremely attractive, with chin length brown hair and light blue eyes. Somehow this guy looks pretty even while crying. 

 Steve is drawn to him for some reason. Maybe it's the crying, maybe it's the posture, legs drawn up, head bent down.  Steve can empathize. He's been there, so down it feels like life itself is torture.  It's what got Steve here in the first place.  Perhaps this guy is the same, understands the pain Steve feels almost constantly.

 Plus the guy is extremely hot. _Give up, you'll never land a guy like that._  

 Steve settles down on the couch and opens his book.

 

* * *

 

 "Steve, would you like to share"

 Group therapy - this is hell.

 "No thanks," Steve replies. He'd rather be anywhere else. He desperately does not want to share.

 Group therapy has given him some perspective. A lot of the people here have had really rough lives.  Physically abusive parents, sexual abuse, drug habits, you name it.  Some of them need to adjust their meds so they don't hallucinate or think they are the second coming of Christ. 

 Steve's life is great in comparison. Nothing like this has happened to him. But that doesn't stop him from feeling like his life is shit.  Steve feels like a freak for being depressed for no reason.  How could he possibly share after everything he just heard?

 "I really think it would be better if you shared, Steve." The therapist, Abigail, has a soothing voice, but there is a sharp edge of command when she says this.

 "I don't have anything to say"

 "That can't be true," Abigail tries again. "Every person has a story, and yours it just as important as anyone else's." 

 Steve sighs. He's not getting out of this one.

 "I guess I feel alone." Please let that be enough.

 No such luck. "Why do you think you feel that way?" 

 "Because I _am_ alone.  No one likes me. I have no friends, no one would want to date a tiny shrimp like me." Someone scoffs across the room. They're laughing at him already.

 "I don't believe it's true that you don't have any friends, Steve" 

 "Well I have one friend, Nat, she's great. But there's no one else."

 "Has this Nat ever introduced you to any other people."

 "Yeah, but that didn't go well." Nat is always trying to get Steve to meet people.  It's a disaster. Steve's too shy. No one finds him interesting enough to keep talking to.  "I get too scared to talk to them."

 "Yet you were able to make friends with Nat. She must find something in you that is worth spending time with."  Abigail is not going let him off this easy.

 "I guess."  Steve has a list of reasons that Nat is an exception. He knows that Nat thinks they're all bullshit, but Steve can't let them go.

 "How hard did you try to make friends?" Steve looks up. What is she implying? "Did you engage in conversation, or did you shrink away? Did you follow up, try to see them again?"

  _No_ , Steve thinks, _I didn't do any of that_. He knows that no one would want to see him again after he stuck to the corner and mumbled vague responses. 

 Abigail takes his silence for a no. "I have an assignment for you, Steve. I want you to try to make friends.  Talk to people, really engage instead of shying away. Do you think you can do that, Steve?"

  _No_ , Steve thinks.  "Sure," he says instead. "I can try."

 "That's great, Steve." He's really starting to get annoyed at how often she says his name. Must be a therapy thing.

 Abigail finally lets him go and turns to the next patient.   It's the hot guy from before.  He is still drawn up like earlier, barely fitting on the small folding chair with his legs up like he's protecting his body. 

 "John, would you like to share today?" The guy doesn't respond.  No movement to indicate that he even heard the therapist. 

 "We'd really like to hear you speak, John," Abigail continues.  "This is a safe place, you can share."

 "That freak never talks," a man shouts from the other end of the room.  Steve thinks it's the guy who scoffed at him.  "Why bother."

 "Alex, please don't speak about other patients like that," Abigail snaps. Steve is startled at how fast she turns from calm therapy voice to firm chiding. 

 "Whatever," Alex grumbles and leans back in his seat.  He's practically lounging in his chair, shoulders back, chest forward.  It's a big difference from how most of the other patients are sitting, drawn in or slumping.  Steve immediately hates him.

 Abigail turns back to the hot guy. "John?" The man still doesn't reply or even look up. "That's OK John, maybe next time." She turns to the person next to John. "Elizabeth, it's your turn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first work I've been brave enough to post. Please leave comments.


	2. Chapter 2

Talk to someone.  That should be easy, but Steve's heart is racing.  He sits down on the couch and breathes.  He'd rather read his book alone, or sketch if he had any art supplies. 

But he promised Nat he would try while he was here.  He already let her down once, he needs to do this.  He looks around the room.  Most people are already in groups.  Steve can't handle multiple people yet.  He's always been bad at inserting himself in a group, he feels like he doesn't belong.  Plus most people look at him weirdly since he just stands there and doesn't really talk. 

Steve's eyes land on the hot guy again.  John, his name was.  John is back at the same window, same drawn in posture.  This time, thankfully, he isn’t crying, but he's alone.  Alex said he didn't talk in group. He must be shy like Steve. Maybe he could start a conversation with this guy. 

Steve nervously crosses the room.  He sits down across from John.  John doesn't look up, just keeps staring out the window.  Steve takes a breath. "Hey," he croaks out.  _Great start._   "I'm Steve." No response.  "Your name is John right?" Nothing.  "I'm new here, I don't know anyone." John hasn't moved an inch.  Steve is starting to panic. "Mind if I sit here?"

Steve spots a bookshelf behind John that is full of games.  A pack of cards catches his eye.  Cards would be a good icebreaker.  The guy must be bored out of his mind just staring out the window. 

He goes to grab the pack of cards, then sits back down.  "Wanna play a game." This finally gets a response from John.  He turns his head to look at Steve for a second, then goes back to his window.  That's a no then, Steve thinks. 

Steve almost gives up then, but he takes a deep breath and perseveres.  He drags over a table and puts it between him and John. 

"Do you have a preference?  Like any game in particular? I like rummy.  I'm pretty good though, fair warning."  Steve has no idea why he is doing this.  This guy is practically comatose; he certainly won't play cards with Steve. 

"Wanna play?" Steve asks again. John continues to stare out the window.  "No? OK, I'll guess I'll have to play solitaire." John does not seem to care.

Steve continues to talk as he plays. "I'm not very good at solitaire.  Used to be one of like four games we had on the computer, but I never played it much.  I like minesweeper. Did you ever play that? I got pretty good, always played the hardest level.  I started challenging myself to get the fastest time. I could get it in under a minute. I got a lot of practice when my mom was at work."

Steve is just rambling now, but he doesn't know what else to do. For some reason Steve has chosen this guy to be friends with and someone has to fill the dead air.  Steve thinks he hasn't spoken this much in years.  It's probably good for him.

"John D.," A nurse calls out. John doesn't stir.  "John D., time for individual therapy." That seems to get John up, albeit very slowly, and he heads for the nurse. 

_Well, I found out one think about him. His last name starts with a D. At this rate we'll be good friend by next decade._

But something about it bugs him.  _John D._ John doesn't talk to him, but maybe he doesn't talk at all. Could he be a John Doe? He doesn't respond much to being called John, but then he doesn't respond much to anything. 

No point in speculating, Steve'll probably never know. 

 

* * *

 

Steve wakes up that night to screaming coming from down the hall.  Another patient, probably nightmares.  He rolls over and tries to sleep through the noise.

 

* * *

 

2 pm, time for art therapy.  "Yes!" Steve tells a still mute John. "I love art therapy. Come on you don't want to miss it."

To Steve's complete surprise, John actually gets up and follows Steve to the art therapy room.  John sits down in the corner, and draws his legs up again in his usual position. Steve sits down next to him, trying to give John a little smile

"Today we'll be painting masks" The art therapist, Haley, has a bright smile on her face as she gestures to the white masks in placed in front of every seat.  “The prompt today is to paint the mask you show to people each day.  On the outside, paint the person you project to the outside world. On the inside of the mask, paint how you feel inside but you don't show the world."  Haley puts on some light new age music and people start reaching for art supplies. 

The prompt is easy enough.  Steve's brain is just a deep dark pit.  He reaches for the black paint.  The outside takes some more thought.  People who know him, colleagues, Nat's friends, random strangers, they wouldn't know how depressed Steve feels.  He used to wonder why everyone couldn't see his pain.  But when Steve thinks about it, how could they?  Steve always smiles, is polite to everyone.  They don't know he is scared shitless whenever he talks to someone. His manners, his polite smile, they are all a way of keeping people from seeing how he really feels.

He starts by drawing a huge fake smile on the mask.  As Steve draws, he starts rethinking the inside of the mask.  Is everything really bleak and miserable?  Steve looks over at John who isn't painting but staring off at the black wall.  For some reason this random stranger makes him feel lighter, makes him feel the tiniest glimmer of hope. 

Blue, that's the color he associates with that feeling.  The inside of the mask should have a small bit of blue.   The blue paint is on the other side of John.  He thinks of asking John to pass it to him, but Steve doesn't expect a response, so he just reaches across him to grab the paint. 

John reacts immediately.  He jumps away, his chair flies backwards.  A strangled scream comes out as he practically throws himself into the corner, sinks down, and curls into a ball.  He rocks and cries and moans. 

Steve is frozen at this display, but the therapist is there quickly.  "John, it's OK. Can you breathe for me John?" She is carefully placed a few feet away from him, bent down to his level.  "Slow deep breaths." John isn't complying, he just rocks and cries, hyperventilating pretty badly now. 

The whole room is staring at John, Steve is still frozen, eyes wide.  What has he done to John?

A nurse and another therapist come running quickly in.  The therapist Steve doesn't know yet, a tall, built black man, bends down and talks to John. 

"John, can you look at me." John doesn't, he keeps rocking with his head down.  "John, I need you to breathe.  Follow my breaths.  In, out, in, out." Amazingly John's breath starts to even out, but he whimpers with each outward breath. "John can you look at me now." He does. His face is streaked with tears. The therapist smiles at him. "Good, can you stand up? Come with me?" John stands up slowly, arms wrapped around himself and follows the therapist out of the room. 

Steve stares at the door after he leaves, his art project long forgotten.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been flowing out of me, so you get three chapters in three days. Enjoy!

The boredom.  That's what they never show on TV, the complete boredom of the nuthouse.  Therapy can only cover so many hours.  The rest of the time you have to entertain yourself. 

Steve is currently lying on the couch staring at the ceiling.  He finished his book a little while ago and he cannot think of anything else to do.  So, so bored.

John is gone. Steve doesn't want to think about the incident in art therapy.  He feels really bad, but he doesn't know what he did wrong. It could be random, but Steve thinks it is his fault. He reached over him.  It seems John doesn't like to be touched. 

He sits up and scans the room again.  His eyes land on the bookshelf of games. He goes over and grabs Connect Four and places it on the table in front of John's usual seat.  He starts playing a game with himself. 

_This is so pathetic_ , Steve berates himself, _playing all alone_. 

Suddenly, John is beside him.  John stares at him, and Steve thinks he hears a faint growl.  Steve is intimidated, but stands his ground.  John slides into his usual space and starts staring out the window again. 

"Hey, let's play Connect Four," Steve tries.  He removes the checkers from the grid and separates the black from the red.  "You can be black, I'll be red. I'll start." Steve places a checker in the slot. 

"Your turn."  John glances at him for a brief second, and then goes back to the window.  Steve tries again, "I can play your turn for a couple of rounds until you get used to it.  I promise I won't intentionally make you lose."

Steve plays the game with himself.  He is evenly matched, of course.  He knows where the other player is going to go next, so there is no surprise.  Steve stops trying and just starts putting them in more or less randomly. 

Just when he almost runs out of checkers, he suddenly sees an opening.  Just one more checker and John's side will win.  He goes to reach for the checker, but it's not there.  John has picked it up, and he slides it into the right place. 

"You won! Great job. That was a tough game.  How about we go again."

Steve sets up the game again and plays the first round.  He looks up at John, and he's back at his window and tears are silently sliding down his face. 

John doesn't play any more.

 

* * *

 

Group therapy today is run by the man who calmed John down yesterday, whose name turns out to be Sam.  Sam has the kind of compassionate look where you know he actually understands because he's been through tough times himself.  He's listening to a girl sob about her dick of an ex-boyfriend and he has his full attention on her.  Even Steve's bored out of his mind because she says the same thing every session, but Sam is fully engaged and gives her helpful suggestions for getting over her ex and focusing on herself. 

When she is done, Sam turns to John.  "Would you like to share John?" John, as usual, doesn't even look up at the sound of his name. 

"Why does he even come?" It's Alex again, determined as always to make a scene.  "The mute freak is comatose." Alex, a few seats down from John, starts to stand up while gesturing at John.

"Alex," Sam intrudes, "We've discussed how to treat other patients.  Do we have to go over it again?"

"Doesn't matter for this one," he walks towards John, "He probably can't even understand, stuck in his own head."

Alex reaches down and grabs one of John's wrists and pulls him half out of his chair.  John immediately starts screaming full volume. He wrenches his wrist out of Alex's grasp and stumbles backwards.  He trips over his chair, and flails as he falls to the ground. 

Sam is across the room in a second, but it's already too late.  John picks up the folding chair and throws it at Sam and Alex, which misses Sam and glances off Alex's arm.  John is still screaming and backing up toward the wall. 

The commotion brings more orderlies, and they come to subdue John.  Two of them grab him by each arm and try to pull him away.  He very obviously does not like this as he screams and tries to pull away, yanking his arm as hard as possible from the orderly on his right side. 

The whole time Alex is yelling and cursing about his arm. “The fucktard broke my arm,” he shouts.  He arm looks fine, it will probably only bruise.

Steve has seen enough.  After the scene in the art room, he knows that John does not like to be touched, and grabbing him like this is just going to spook him even more.

"Don't touch him!" Steve shouts.  "He doesn't like to be touched, please stop."

"Stay out of this Steve," Sam scolds. 

"But you're making it worse," Steve pleads. 

John finally gets his right arm free and tries punching the orderly still holding his left arm.  He misses by a wide margin and the second orderly gets ahold of his right arm again.  They start dragging him out of the room.  John fights them the whole way, pulling his arms and digging in his feet. He's openly weeping and every time he gives a huge tug on his arms he lets out a feral noise like a grunt mixed with a scream. 

Steve is terrified and he is crying himself.  He isn't scared _of_ John, he is scared _for_ John.  He could see the terror in John's eyes.  He looked like he feared for his life. 

What happened to John to make him so scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has left comments and kudos. They really make my day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets his name!

The next day Steve goes to find John and is shocked by what he sees. Compared to yesterday John is quite cheerful. He's still in his usual spot, but he's looking around the room instead of out the window. Steve's never seen him like this. He wonders if the doctors gave John the good drugs.

Steve walks over to where John is sitting. He tries to stay positive after yesterday's scene in group therapy, so he gives John a little smile. John doesn’t smile back, but he does look at Steve without the heavy bags of sadness that usually haunt his eyes.

"Hey John, how are you doing," Steve probes. As usual he gets nothing back, but he does get John to make eye contact. It's actually kind of intense, like there is so much behind his eyes to be said, but it can't get out.

Steve switches to his usual strategy with John. "How about a game? Nothing else to do here." He jumps up and heads for the bookshelf containing the games.  "Wow, this selection is poor.  It's like they think we are five years old." He grimaces as he sorts through the games.  Candy Land, Snakes and Ladders, Sorry. "Look, they even have alphabet blocks. I'm mentally ill, not mentally challenged."

Steve brings over the alphabet blocks anyways. Maybe he can build something out of them.  He gets out the blocks, and decides to start with something simple for John, who is watching him with curiosity.

S-T-E-V-E "That's my name, in case you forgot" Steve is used to people forgetting who the hell he is, so he gives a little self-conscious laugh, but he isn’t amused. He pushes a few of the blocks towards John.  "How about you?"

John takes the blocks uncertainly. He starts laying them out with the letters facing Steve. 

B-L-J-F-K-Y-N

"Blojfakin," Steve tries to pronounce, tripping over the syllables.  "Good start, why don't you add some vowels in there though."

John rearranges the blocks again, adding vowels like Steve suggested.

K-U-N-B-A-L-Y

"Koonbally," Steve pronounces with more ease. "Better, but I still don't know what that means."

John tries again, a little more shyly this time. First he takes the existing letters and rearranges them.  He removes some and adds one more.

B-U-C-K-Y

"Bucky." Steve pauses. This actually seems like a word, maybe a name.  John is looking at the table and avoiding Steve's gaze.  "Is that a name?" John's eyes dart around and he pulls up his legs in his usual defensive posture. 

"Is that _your_ name?" John looks him straight in the eye, for just a second. Tears are welling up, but they don't fall.  It only lasts a moment before he turns back to the window.

“How about you tell me yes or no?” Steve gets out the Y and the N. “Just touch one or the other.  Is Bucky your name?”

John/Bucky doesn’t move, doesn’t touch either block. He stays right where he is looking out the window. 

Bucky.  That's his name, Steve is sure. He doesn’t know why Bucky won’t confirm it with the Y and N blocks, but he is still convinced of his theory. Steve is so excited. He's going to tell Bucky's therapist, Sam, as soon as he sees him.

Steve contemplates what just happened. He got a mute to open up, to talk to him in the only way he can. Steve knows at this moment that he's made a friend.

 

* * *

 

"Steve? Are you listening to me?"

Steve is focusing more on the fingernails he is biting off than on Abigail. He is in individual therapy and he hates that he is the center of attention.  Even worse, they are discussing his life, thoughts, and feelings. 

"No, sorry, what did you say."

"I asked if you had been trying to talk to people like I asked in group."  Abigail sifts through her notes. "It was one of our main goals for the week."

"Um, sort of." Steve mumbles. "I've been talking with Bucky."

"Who is Bucky?" Abigail looks confused.

"Sorry, the John Doe.  His name is Bucky.  At least that's what he wants to be called." Steve doesn't mind discussing Bucky.  At least the focus isn't on himself. 

Abigail still looks confused. "Steve, John doesn't talk to anyone.  Has he been talking to you?"

"Well, sort of." Steve doesn't know how to explain this. Sam didn’t quite believe him either, but he was open to the idea. "He has his way of talking without talking, if you know what I mean." _Great Steve, way to sound like an idiot_. "He spelled out his name for me."

"Did he write anything else? Did he say it was his name?"

"Uh, no."

Abigail shifts in her chair. "Steve, do you think it is possible that you might be projecting your thoughts and emotions onto John, who to you is a blank slate?"

What, no.  They were communicating, Steve knows it. Bucky was opening up, albeit slowly. Steve knows he wasn't making it up.

"Steve, when I told you to make friends, I expected you to engage in conversation with someone who could talk back. I don't think it is a good idea for you to keep talking to John."

" _Bucky_." Steve spits out.  Now he is getting angry.

"John has been through a lot. You could disrupt his recovery without meaning to.  But mostly I'm worried about you.  You are a very empathic person, Steve.  Your own recovery is threatened by spending too much time with John."

"His name is Bucky, and this is bullshit. You can't tell me to go make friends and then tell me I've made the wrong friend.  I did your stupid assignment, I'm not going to stop talking to Bucky."

"Steve, I worry that you are spending your time here trying to treat John's problems as a way to avoid focusing on your own."

That gets Steve to pause.  Has he been avoiding his own problems? Probably. He has done that for years; no reason to think it would change after a few days in the hospital.

"What do you think about that Steve?" Abigail probes gently.

"Yeah, that's possible. But I'm not going to stop spending time with _Bucky_."

Abigail shakes her head and starts writing in her notepad.  "Fine, Steve, you can spend time with Bucky, I can't stop you.  But can you work on talking to other people as well."

Steve hangs his head, "Yes," he mumbles, "I can try."

"Good.  Now let's move on to your other goals."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live off of comments and kudos. Thank you all.


	5. Chapter 5

"John?"

"His name is Bucky." Steve is short tempered today and he snaps at Sam during their group therapy session.

Steve has been trying to get the entire staff to call him Bucky instead of John Doe.  A few of the nurses have picked it up, but Steve has to keep trying with the therapists.  Sam is Bucky's primary therapist, so he's really used to calling him John. He seems open to the idea of calling him Bucky, but old habits die hard.

"Thank you, Steve, but I would appreciate if you didn't use that tone." Sam doesn't take shit from any of the patients.

"Sorry," Steve mumbles.

"John," Sam continues, "Could you look at me?" Bucky keeps staring at the floor like he has been for the last half hour. Alex is rolling his eyes in the corner, but at least he doesn't say anything.

Sam sighs. "Bucky?" he tries. Immediately he gets a response. Bucky lifts his head and looks directly at Sam with an air of confidence that is uncharacteristic of him. Apparently Bucky has finally taken it upon himself to get Sam to call him by his true name. 

"Do you prefer if I call you Bucky?" Sam inquires.  Bucky holds his gaze but doesn't respond.  Sam seems to take this as an assent.  "Ok, Bucky. Would you like to share anything today?" Bucky breaks eye contact and goes back to staring at the floor.

Sam moves on to Steve, who is sitting on Bucky's left. "Steve, would you like to share."

No, Steve would not like to share. Today they are working on positive self-image.  Steve doesn't have a positive self-image.  That's one of the things that got him here. Today in group they are supposed to list things about themselves that they like.

"I don't have anything to say." Steve says as he hangs his head

Sam pushes for more. "Can't you think of even one good thing about yourself?"

"No"

"I don't think you are trying hard enough, Steve," Sam proposed. "Just one thing, even if it is small."

Steve shrugs and shakes his head. "Can't think of anything."

Alex chimes in at this point. "Maybe there isn't anything good about you."

"Alex," Sam scolds, "We have talked about this."

"No but really, look at him. He's a shrimp. He's here wallowing in his own self-pity.  He's got nothing to offer the world."

"Alex!" Sam's voice has risen in volume and is strict in tone.  "If you can't behave yourself in my sessions then you should leave." He points to the door. 

"Fine," Alex replies. "Listening to that twerp was boring me anyway." Alex throws his chair back as he stomps out of the room, and half the patients jump in their seats.

Steve fights to hold back his tears. He knows he shouldn’t let a bully like Alex get to him, but he was just saying the things the Steve already says to himself.  Steve is his own worse critic.  The things he says to himself are things that he wouldn’t say to his archenemy, assuming anyone cared enough about him to be his archenemy. 

Steve is physically small, petite shoulders, near skeletal frame.  He looks more like a young boy than a man.  No man or woman would want to be with him, which is why, at 24, he has never had a second date in his life. 

But who would want to get to know him even if they get past his physical looks.  He’s a shy awkward introvert.  He can’t carry on a normal conversation.  He doesn’t have any particular skills and he fails at most things he tries. His art is the only thing paying his rent, and even his art is only mediocre in his eyes. 

“Steve, don’t listen to him.” Sam tries to soothe him. “Alex is just trying to get attention.”

Steve can’t participate anymore. He is focusing all of his energy on trying not to cry in front of everyone.  He folds in on himself like Bucky does sometimes.  He can’t look Sam in the eye.

He does catch a small glimpse of Bucky next to him. He has stopped looking at the ground and is surveying Steve.  He looks concerned.  He face is as open as Steve has ever seen.  Steve feels like he can see inside of Bucky, and what he sees is true compassion and concern for how Steve is feeling.  Right now, it’s the only thing that’s keeping Steve from completely breaking down.

“Steve, I want you to do something for me before next group.” Sam tries to catch Steve’s eye but Steve avoids it. “I want you to make a list of all the good things about yourself.  Write down anything that comes to mind.  I don’t care how small it is, write it down.  Did you once help and old lady across the street? Write it down. Did you ever give to charity? Write it down.  Did you win the Nobel Peace Prize? That would go to the top of the list.”

The last one gets a few laughs around the room, which helps to ease the tension after Alex’s outburst. 

“I mean it Steve, anything can go on there. Don’t come back to me empty handed, OK?” He waits for Steve to answer.

Steve mumbles, practically unintelligible, towards the floor. “Sure, OK” He doesn’t know if he can actually do that, but anything to get Sam off his case right now.

“Great Steve, I expect to see that list tomorrow.”

Thankfully, Sam moves on to the next person.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve's still feeling down when he has his appointment with Abigail later in the day, and she can tell right away.

"What seems to be the problem today, Steve?" she asks. 

What is the problem _today_? What is the problem _every_ day?

"We were talking about positive self-image in group today." Steve replies.

"Oh?" Abigail asks, "How did that go?"

Steve shrugs.  "Just about as miserably as you would expect."

"Why do you think I would expect that, Steve?" she inquires. 

Steve shrugs again. He doesn't know. He's tired and he doesn't want to go through this therapy bullshit right now. 

"What was so miserable about the experience, Steve?" she asks again.

"I guess... Sam asked me to list thinks that I like about myself.  It made me really uncomfortable." He stops there, not wanting to go on.

"Why did it make you uncomfortable, Steve?" Abigail is always probing him past his comfort zone, which, he supposes, is probably part of her job.

Steve sniffs, but manages to hold back the tears. "Because there's nothing, nothing I like about myself.  And if I don't like myself, then nobody else could like me either." He sniffs again and hugs himself around the middle. 

"Is that your main issue with this, Steve, the way others perceive you?" Abigail asks

"I don't know. Maybe? Not really? Yes?" Steve's head is swimming. Yes, he does care that he can't make friends, has never been in a relationship, and doesn't speak to anyone on a regular basis other than Natasha.  That hurts, but that's not exactly what bothers him.  At this point, he just wants to be able to tolerate himself. He's stuck with himself for life. If he hates himself more than his own worse enemy, then how can he continue on? "I just want something to be proud of.  Something to show I'm not a waste of space.

"The list makes me uncomfortable because I can't think of a damn thing.  Thinking about my empty list makes me feel worse than before I came here." Those damn tears are coming now, no matter how hard he fights them. "I don't see how I can ever get better like this." He reaches across Abigail's desk for a tissue to catch the tears that won't stop now. 

"You can't get better like this, Steve." Abigail cuts in. "You need to push past this. I know you said thinking about the list makes you uncomfortable, but you should do the assignment anyway. Once you do, you'll see that there are things about you to like."

"Name one." Steve says with a self-deprecating laugh. 

"I can't do your assignment for you, Steve." Abigail continues. "You need to do it on your own. I'm sure Sam told you to start small?"

"Yeah, he did," Steve agrees.

"Then remember that.  Any little thing you can think of, record it, and we can talk about it next time."

"Ok, sure." Steve assents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Bucky helps Steve with the list!


	6. Chapter 6

Steve feels like crap.  Isn’t therapy supposed to make him feel better?

Currently he is curled up in a ball on the couch trying not to cry.  He isn't succeeding very well.  Tears fall down his face but thankfully they are silent.  Hopefully he has finished his sobbing for the day. 

The other patients are milling around, in groups or engaged in solitary activities.  None of them pay any attention to Steve.  Crying patients are a regular sight.  No one bothers them.  Times like these, people just want to be alone.  But there is no real place to be alone in here.

 _God I need a drink_ , Steve thinks.  That's the kind of thinking that got him into trouble.  Numbing the pain does not make it go away. In fact, it can certainly exacerbate the problem.  For Steve, drinking a little numbs his emotions, drinking a lot brings them back in full force.

Bucky walks into the room and heads for his usual spot by the window.  He stops in place when he sees Steve on the couch, but he doesn't go over to him. Instead he heads back to the nurse's station.  He comes back holding a piece of paper and a pen and sits down next to Steve.

Steve sits up and wipes his eyes. "What is it Bucky?" Steve asks.  "I'm not really in a good mood." As if that had to be stated.

Bucky hands him the piece of paper. Steve takes it slowly. He's not sure what's up, but he wants to humor Bucky since he seems more animated today. 

"What's this for?" Steve asks. Bucky holds out the pen. Steve doesn't take it. He's confused. "I don't know what you want me to do?"

Bucky lets out a frustrated sound and swipes the paper away.  He grabs a heavy book from the coffee table and uses it to write on.  He scribbles on the page like a two year old would imitate the writing of adults.  He looks up expectantly at Steve.

Steve shakes his head. "I still don't know what you want me to do.  You want me to write, but write what?"

Bucky turns back to the page. He starts making tick-marks down the page, and stops about halfway down.  He hands the paper back to Steve.

Now Steve thinks he understands. "Do you want me to do the assignment Sam gave me?"

Bucky responds with a little half smile, the closest thing he has ever come to saying yes.

Steve looks down at the page with the tick-marks running down the left side.  Didn't he just go through this?  He can't handle it. It's just too hard. Steve hates himself. He's got no good traits. 

Maybe Alex is right, maybe there is nothing good about him.  He doesn't do anything to make the world a better place.  He doesn't make anybody happy, he just brings them down with his depression. He doesn't make anything to improve society. He only makes his art, which is no good to anyone but himself.

Something good about himself... It seems impossible. He couldn't think of anything with Sam, he couldn't think of anything with Abigail.  How is this mute mental patient next to him going to help?

Bucky pokes him lightly in the arm with the pen, which brings him out of his depressing thought spiral.  Steve looks up from the paper to see Bucky looking at Steve with anticipation.

Steve has to try, for Bucky.  This poor man who obviously has gone through so much actually wants to help him.  He likes seeing Bucky have a goal.  Right now, Bucky's eyes are alive, probing and questioning Steve to see if he'll do what Bucky wants. Just a few days ago he was glued to his window with tears in his eyes.  If Bucky wants him to do this, he can give it a shot.

"Sam said start small.  OK.” He thinks for a half-minute.  “I once had a pet goldfish that I took good care of." he looks at Bucky and Bucky seems content with this answer.  Steve continues, "But I forgot to change the water and it died.  So I guess I didn't really take good care of it.  Scratch that one." Bucky flops back on the couch and sighs with exasperation.

"Ok, how about this one. I take good care of my teeth. That one's mostly for my benefit, but at least I don't subject people to foul breath."  Bucky lifts just his head and points to the paper before laying his head back down. "Good enough? I guess so." Steve starts to write it down.

            - No bad breath.

He laughs briefly through the snot clogged up from his crying spell.  If this is all he has to do it's easy.  "I also don't sing in the shower.  People hate listening to that." He writes it down.  "Ooh I have a good one, I don't cut people off in line at coffeeshops. Those people are dicks."

Bucky throws and arm over his face and leans back with a faint sigh.  "OK, OK," Steve gives in, "I'll try to be more serious."

He stares at his list

            - No bad breath

            - No shower singing

            - Not an asshat in lines

After those lighthearted entries he feels more at ease actually thinking about this assignment.  He notices a trend in his list.  They are all bad things he doesn't do rather than good things he does.  Abigail is fond of trying to get him to reframe his thoughts in a more positive light. As annoying as it is, it can sometimes help. Looking back at the list, he realizes that the first entry is actually a negative reframing of his initial statement. He crosses out what he has and writes 'I take care of myself .’ He thinks about that statement for a minute before adding ‘(physically).’

Now for the other two entries. No singing in the shower and not being an asshat.  Those two statements boil down to one thing: he is courteous to others.  

Wow, that is much better.  Not only did he think of something good about himself, it's a really great one.  Steve smiles, though tears well up in his eyes. They are tears of the first sign of real hope that he has had since he arrived. 

Steve has stopped talking so Bucky, curious, sits up and leans over to look at the page.  He reads the last line and looks back to Steve with the little half smile back on his face.  _I guess he approves_ , Steve thinks.

Spurred on by his small accomplishment, he tries again, this time out loud to Bucky.  "I have this friend, Nat, she's great.” He pauses.  “She's really the only one who believes in me." Bucky frowns at him. Now where was he going with this? "I do my best to be a good friend to her.  I don't always succeed, but at least I try." 

The tears come unbidden.  He hasn't thought much about Nat in the last few days. He has been avoiding thinking about it. Steve knows he hurt her and he can't bear the thought. 

He tries to keep talking to Bucky, who is starting to look really worried.  "I let her down.  She has been there for me through my worsening depression.  I know I haven't really been fun to be around these last few months, but she didn't abandon me.  She always made sure that I was OK.  Then one particularly bad night I mixed alcohol with anti-depressants, which, well, wasn't a smart idea.

"I don't remember most of the night. In the hospital Nat told me that I called her.  I was apparently ranting about how I couldn't take it, everything was bullshit, and I didn't want to live anymore.  When I hung up on her she immediately called 9-1-1 and rushed to my place." Steve lets out a strangled sob. "She saved my life." He puts his head in his hands and lets out all his emotions through his tears. "I can't believe I did that to her," he sobs. 

He cries for what seems like an hour, but probably was much shorter.  He cries until he had no tears left in him, until he has let out all his pent up emotions and has nothing left.  Through the whole thing, Bucky stays right beside him.  Not speaking, not touching, just there.  He feels like a solid presence, something to latch onto and hold him steady.

He sniffles a bit when he stops and Bucky gets up, crosses the room and brings him a box of tissues.  "Thanks, Bucky," he says and then wipes his nose clean.

Freshly cleaned of tears and snot, he turns back to the list.  He writes the last entry and checks his progress. 

            - ~~No bad breath~~ I take care of myself (physically)

            - ~~No shower singing~~

            - ~~Not an asshat in lines~~

            - I am courteous to people

            - I try to be a good friend to Nat

"See," he holds it up to Bucky. Bucky takes the paper, and then the pen. He makes one small adjustment to the last line.

            - I try to be a good friend ~~to Nat~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, he's a good friend to Bucky too!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos. More people have been reading this then I ever imagined for my first fic. You guys are all awesome.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat comes to visit

"Steve!" Nat runs over to Steve and practically lifts him up with her crushing hug.

It's the first time Nat has been able to get out to see him, and Steve couldn't be happier.  He still feels guilty for what he put her through, but he knows that she would want him to put it behind them and move on. 

"How ya doin', punk?" she asks as she messes up his hair. 

"Stop that, Nat" he laughs.  "You're messing up the nuthouse chic look I've got going."

"What? The unshowered, bedhead look.  That was so last year."

Steve smiles.  Nat's playful teasing is making him feel right at home.  He's missed her.  They've been best friends since Junior year of college. 

Steve had been studying art at NYU at the time.  He was struggling with a particular class where they were studying movement.  Steve's drawings always felt flat.  He could draw a person in motion perfectly, but there was no feeling of motion in it.  He needed practice, and the perfect place to study motion was the New York City Ballet. 

They were engaged in dress rehearsal for the Nutcracker.  Natasha, who then was still a student as the School of American Ballet, was playing a snowflake.  Steve was enraptured by the lithe ballerina with the fiery red hair.  He got to work immediately drawing her leaps and pirouettes.  Steve always loved how ballerinas are able to make extreme physical exertion look easy and beautiful. 

When the practice let out, the ballerinas filed out past Steve as he was packing up. All but one.  Natasha stopped to look at a fully colored pencil drawing of what could only be her own form, a snowflake with red hair in mid-leap.

"I want this" was Nat's direct way of starting the conversation.

"What?" Steve asked as he turned around. 

"This," Nat held up the drawing.  "I want this. You selling?"

"No, I need it for an art class." Steve replied.

"Can't you just make another?" she asked impatiently. "Or use one of these others." She waves towards the other drawings Steve has spread out.  They're all good, but the one Natasha was holding was the best of them all.

Steve decided to stand his ground. "It's irreplaceable and it's not for sale."

"Can I have it when you are done with your class?" Nat tried again.

"What? I guess?" Steve allowed.

"Great come to my place we'll exchange info.  I'm not letting you get away."

And she didn't.  They went to her place for coffee.  She tried to get him to redo the drawing on the spot, but the copy was obviously inferior.  She kept it anyway and insisted that Steve let her have the original as soon as he didn't need it anymore. She hounded him all semester, constantly calling him, but it was playful rather than forceful.  Soon their interactions were less about the drawing and more about checking up on a friend. 

On the last day of the semester, Steve went over to Nat's apartment and brought over the pencil drawing in an ornate frame as a present.  Nat declared it the seal of their friendship.  They would always be friends as long as she kept that drawing.  It's still mounted on her living room wall.

One day Steve finally asked why she had wanted that drawing so badly.  She responded that it looked exactly like the image of the ballerina she wanted to be, not like the one she thought she was.  She thought that if she could just have that drawing, she could make it a reality and get into the corps of the New York City Ballet.  She did just that, but Steve doesn't think the drawing did much, she was just a talented dancer.

"I brought you some art supplies" she says, lifting up the bag filled with stuff.

"You're the best!" Steve exclaims.  He immediately starts pulling out the supplies.  Good paper, proper drawing pencils.  Never has he seen a more beautiful sight.  A few days with kindergarteners’ art supplies felt like a year. He and Nat sit down at a table so that Steve can pull out paper and pencil and get to work on a drawing. 

"Seriously though, how have you been doing?" she asks more quietly.

"Honestly, it's really hard, but I'm doing well considering.  I've been facing a lot of crap that I've been avoiding for too long.  So it's hard, but in the end I know it will be good for me."

"That sounds great, Steve." Nat replies. "I think that's all you can ask for right now."

"Yeah," Steve agrees, "At least they didn't drug me up and send me out like my last doctor."

"That dude was a quack, and if I ever see him I'm going to rearrange his face."

Steve smiles, that's what Nat was good for.  Some light teasing and threats of violence. Nothing has changed. 

Except that it has changed, for Steve. He sees now that this is a turning point in his life.  He could either keep going the way he's been going and probably end up in the ground sooner rather than later, or he could turn his life around.  He really wanted to be able to do the latter.  It just wasn't clear how. 

"Who ya drawin?" Nat glances at his paper, which is starting to take the form of a face. 

Steve stops and looks at the page.  He hadn't even realized he was doing it but he was drawing Bucky. 

"It's just this guy I met here." Steve answers.

"Oh?" Nat replies.  She leans closer and rests her chin on her hands, elbows propped on the table. "Do tell me more"

Steve blushes. "I know what you're getting at, but it's not like that Nat." 

"What is it like then?"

"I don't know, strange?"

Nat frowns.  "That was not the response I was expecting. Who is this guy?"

"His name is Bucky, he's another patient here.  I made friends with him."

Natasha smiles. "That's great, Steve."

"Well the therapists don't seem to think so."

"Why the hell not?"

"Well," Steve pauses, "For one thing, Bucky doesn't talk."

Nat groans and leans her head on the table.  "You always have to make everything harder, don't you."

"Hey, it may not be ideal, but I legitimately made a friend here."

"Woah, woah, I wasn't suggesting you shouldn't be friends with this 'Bucky' character.  I was just pointing out how contrary you can be.  Hell, I can see it now.  I bet you just walked right up to the mute kid in the corner and starting talking, didn't you?

Steve thinks back to a couple of days ago.  "That is sort of how it happened... but, hey, I didn't know he was mute."

"But he was the silent one in the corner, right?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Steve, you're usually the silent one in the corner.  You can relate."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day.


	8. Chapter 8

Steve sits in Sam’s office, tapping his foot nervously.  He knows they are going to talk about Bucky, since there’s no other reason why they would talk one-on-one, but he doesn’t know what it is about Bucky they are going to discuss.  Steve knows Abigail wants them to stop spending time together.  Does Sam want the same thing?

“I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time with Bucky,” Sam starts.

“So, what of it?” Steve replies curtly.

“I think it’s great you two are becoming friends,” Sam says with a smile.

Steve is shocked. “Really?”

“Yes, of course.  You both need more social interaction.  Bucky has been opening up a lot more since you arrived.”

Steve is delighted to hear this.  Sam isn’t going to try to split them up. 

“Abigail didn’t want me talking to him anymore,” Steve says.

“Yes, well, Abigail and I have different points of view on this issue.  She thinks that you two could drag each other down.  I believe the opposite.  From what I've seen, you two are both making good progress towards recovery.  I was very happy with the list you brought to group today. It's a great start. The nurses tell me Bucky helped you out."

"Yeah," Steve agrees, "He brought me paper and encouraged me to do it.  I probably wouldn't have if he hadn't been there."

"And in turn you've been helping to bring Bucky out of his shell.  He's more open and responsive these days, more willing to show what he is feeling.  Bucky has made more progress in our individual sessions since you arrived than he has made in months."

"Bucky's been here months?" Steve is shocked. That's a really long time.  Steve doesn't think he has heard of any other patient that has been here that long.  "What happened to Bucky anyway?  Why can't he talk, why does he fear touch so much?"

Sam sighs. "I shouldn't have said that Steve.  You know full well about doctor-patient confidentiality."

"But you want me to help him right?" Steve argues. "Wouldn't it be better if I knew more details."

"No, Steve, it wouldn't be better.  Confidentiality is important.  Think of it this way, would you want any of the other patients here to know everything you have said to Abigail."

Steve thinks of Alex and shutters. "No" he says meekly.

"Bucky's business is his own." Sam states firmly.  "It will be his decision if he ever tells you about his background.

"Steve, I didn't ask you here today to enlist your help with Bucky.  I simply wanted to ask you for a favor."

"A favor?" Steve asks surprised.  "Sure, I guess, what do you want from me?"

"The ward is filling up, and we will soon be full to capacity.  You've had your own room since you came here.  That will have to change as the hospital population increases."

"I figured that wouldn't last," Steve says.  "Why tell me this personally though?"

"It has to do with Bucky," Sam admits.  "He also has his own room, and he will also have to get a new roommate.  Bucky hasn't done well with roommates in the past.  He can't sleep well with someone else in the room."

"You want me to be Bucky's roommate, don't you?" Steve asks.

"Yes, I was hoping you would agree to that," Sam confirms. 

"Sure," Steve exclaims right away, "I'd be happy to room with Bucky."

"Wait, Steve," Sam warns. "You need all the facts before you jump into this."

"What else is there to know?" Steve asks.

Sam sighs. "Bucky has nightmares.  They are quite frequent and sometime very loud."

Steve's stomach clenches. He thinks back to his first night here when he heard screaming.  He had no idea at the time that it was Bucky.  He barely even knew Bucky back then. 

Sam continues. "Bucky has never gotten violent after a nightmare, so you'll be safe.  But your sleep will likely be interrupted most nights.  We normally wouldn't ask this, but we need the space.  Someone will have to share a room with Bucky, and I would prefer if it was someone he trusted, like you."

Steve's heart breaks a little for Bucky. He wishes he could soothe all the pain that has caused him such fear.  Steve had seen the demons Bucky struggles with during the day, but he never knew about the ones he fights during the night. 

"Are you still interested," Sam asks.

"I'll do it." Steve answers.

 

* * *

 

Steve gets settled into his new room he shares with Bucky later than night.  He doesn't have much stuff to move, just some clothes and the art supplies that Nat brought him.  Tucked in with the art supplies is the picture of Bucky that he drew this morning.  He wants to show it to Bucky at some point, but now doesn't seem like a good time.

Bucky is eyeing him warily.  He is sitting on his bed with his back to the corner and watching every move that Steve makes.  Sam explained the situation to Bucky earlier that day.  Bucky seemed to understand, but now Steve's not quite sure.  He feels like an intruder in Bucky's space. 

Steve finished putting his bed together and sits on top of it facing Bucky.  "I hope you are OK with this Bucky. I'm not going to hurt you or touch you. You know that right?"

He just gets a blank stare back, not that he expected much more.  Steve gives up and lies back on the bed and turns out the light.  Bucky stays exactly where he is, still sitting in the corner staring at Steve. 

 

* * *

 

Steve can't sleep. 

Bucky is dreaming. His breathing is too fast, but there is nothing else to indicate a nightmare.  Steve realizes that he really has no training, no idea what to do. He doesn't want to wake up Bucky if he's just dreaming, but he doesn't want to leave him in a nightmare either.  Steve decides it is time to wake him up.

"Bucky," he whispers.  He rolls over to face Bucky, but doesn't get up.  He doesn't want to be in a threatening position when Bucky wakes up. 

"Bucky," he tries again, this time a little louder. This time Bucky lets out a little moan.  That worries Steve, so he tries one last time to wake up Bucky. 

"Bucky, Wake Up!" The effect is immediate.  Bucky's eyes fly open, but he continues to hyperventilate.  Steve can see a little more of Bucky's face now.  He looks terrified, and it is clear he is not aware of his surroundings.

Carefully, Steve sits up and softly calls out. "Bucky," he says quietly, "It's OK."

Bucky turns to face him and jumps up. He scrambles up the bed until his back is to the corner of the room.  He draws up his legs, hugs them, and starts to cry as he rocks back and forth. 

"Bucky, hey, it's just me," Steve tries with a soothing voice.  "It's Steve. I'm not going to hurt you."

Bucky struggles to get in air in his lungs through the tears.  Steve doesn't know what to do.  If he saw anyone else like this, he could try to give them a hug, or gently rub their back.  He can't do any of these things with Bucky, because touching Bucky will only make things worse. 

He keeps repeating the same calming phrases.  Everything's OK, it's safe, no one will hurt you, just breathe.  It takes an hour, but Bucky's breathing finally starts to slow and the tears stop. 

Steve is exhausted.  He lays his head down on the pillow for a second, still repeating soothing phrases.  Soon, he's asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Steve wakes up and Bucky is gone. He panics for a moment before he looks at the time.  Damn, breakfast was an hour ago.  He must have been really wiped out after last night.  He doesn't know how Bucky has any energy to get up. 

He gets up and goes to the common room. There he finds Bucky in his usual spot by the window.  But instead of moping, he is siting there quite cheerfully, shuffling a deck of cards.

Steve can't believe it.  Last night Bucky was a mess, and this morning it's like nothing ever happened.  Steve still looks like fried shit, and he wasn't the one who had the nightmare.

He goes over to the table by Bucky and sits down. "Are we playing cards?" he asks.

Bucky gives him a small grin, and hands the cards over to Steve.

"My choice, huh?" Steve takes the cards and shuffles some more.  "I think I may have mentioned my prowess at Rummy.  Do you know the rules?" Steve, of course, gets no answer back. "I guess we'll just have to find out." Steve deals the cards.

 

* * *

 

Art therapy.  Why can't all therapy be art therapy?  Steve is much better at expressing his feelings through art rather than with words.

Today they are supposed to be drawing their past and future selves.  Their past selves are who they were right before they ended up in the hospital, and their future selves are the people they want to be when they get out.  Steve is having the most trouble with the latter. He knows that he wants to be a happy, healthy person, but that seems way too vague.  What is it that will make him happy?

He looks over to Bucky, who has once again agreed to come to art therapy.  This time, instead of keeping to himself, Bucky is actually drawing.  Ok, not drawing, but coloring.  The art therapist gave Bucky a black and white mandala to be colored in. Bucky is being very methodical, and making sure every stroke of the colored pencil stays within the lines.

Steve can't help but smile at Bucky. It makes his heart warm to see how much progress he has made. 

That's it. That's what makes him happy. Bucky, coloring his mandala, and playing board games. Nat visiting him, giving him a huge crushing hug when she sees him.  These are the things that have made him the happiest in the last week. His friends. 

That's what he wants his future to look like. He wants to be with his friends. He starts to draw, and he doesn't know whether he wants to laugh or cry. 

While he is drawing, Bucky pauses his coloring and looks over at what Steve is doing.  He is mesmerized for a moment before he gets Steve’s attention by taping on the table. 

“What is it Bucky?” Steve asks. Bucky points to Steve’s pocket. It’s where he has been keeping the ever growing list Steve has been making about himself. He pulls it out. Bucky keeps making him add things to the list by pointing at the list, then pointing at whatever he wants included. Right now he is pointing to Steve’s drawing. 

“You like my art?” Steve asks. Bucky gives him a small smile that generally signals yes these days.  “Thanks, Bucky.  It’s nothing special but …” Bucky cuts him off by tapping at the list Steve has taken out of his pocket.

“If you think it is worth including, I’ll add it,” Steve relents.  Steve writes on the bottom of the list. 

            - I take care of myself (physically)

            - I am courteous to people

            - I try to be a good friend

            - I am working hard on this damn list

            - I am intelligent

            - I am a boss at Rummy

            - I am a decent artist

Bucky as per usual, takes the list and adds one small modification, to which Steve must respond.  Steve sighs and takes the list back and writes.

            - I am a ~~decent~~ good artist

“There, does that meet your approval?” Steve asks jokingly.  Bucky apparently does approve because he does not scribble anything else out. 

“What’s the freak got over there? Pretending he can write?” Alex is across the room in a second to snatch the list out of Bucky’s hands.  Bucky immediately recoils and folds himself up as small as he can get. 

“’I take care of myself,’” Alex starts to read. “’I am courteous’ oh, this is the shrimp’s list of pathetic things that aren’t worth shit.” 

Steve reacts like he’s been hit in the gut. That list has been really important to him in the last few days.  Not only does it actually work to make him feel better, but also he and Bucky have been bonding over its creation.  To have it snatched away and waved around in public feels like it physically hurts.

“Please Alex,” Steve tries, “Give it back”

Alex keeps reading in a mocking voice, while Bucky slips away.  “’I try to be a good friend.’ Just try? Not very good at it, are you? No one but the mute freak would want to be your friend.” 

That makes Steve mad.  He doesn’t know where Bucky went, but Steve hopes he didn’t hear that last one.  “Alex,” Steve tries for authoritative. “Give It BACK!” On the last word he makes a grab for the list.  Alex lifts the list above his head and Steve misses by about a foot.  Steve feels like he is back in elementary school and someone is playing keep away with his stuff again. 

Suddenly, Bucky is back, standing behind Alex. He is tall enough to go for the note, but he doesn’t. Instead he holds up what is in his hands. He has grabbed a bucket of glue they used earlier to stick bits of tissue paper together.  Alex is oblivious as Bucky lifts the bucket of glue over Alex’s head and dumps out the entire contents. 

Bucky backs away quickly before he becomes a victim of Alex’s wrath, but it doesn’t seem to be a problem. Alex just stands there, dripping with glue, at a complete loss of words.  Steve wishes he had a camera.  Instead he just cracks up laughing. The whole room soon follows suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was satisfying to write. Tomorrow I promise some tooth rotting fluff in the form of kittens.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As I promised: fluffy kittens!

Kittens.

There are Kittens.

This is the best day ever. 

The local animal shelter has brought a litter of kittens to the hospital to interact with the patients.  Steve is in heaven.  He loves animals, but he has never had the opportunity to get a pet of his own. His tiny apartments in New York never allowed pets, and his income as an artist has never be high enough to properly take care of one anyways.  But Steve always dreamt that one day he would have a houseful of cats. Since he'll probably never get married, he can always be the crazy cat guy. 

The cats are kept in a pen in the main room. They are letting patients go in the pen two at a time.  The kittens are all over the place. Some are sleeping, others are playing with toys, and others are climbing all over the patients who are currently in the pen.

Steve is waiting in line to see the kittens. Bucky is hovering around nearby, not really in line, but not far from Steve.  Steve has tried several times to get Bucky to get in line, but he refused. At least he is somewhat involved in events rather than just sitting at his window.

Finally, it is Steve's turn.  He goes into the pen and sits down.  The kittens immediately start crawling on his lap. He's got one trying to perch on his lap, and another one trying to climb up his arm.  Their claws are like little needles digging into his skin, but he doesn't care.  Right now he is so happy.

He is stroking the cat in his lap, and it is falling asleep, purring gently beneath his fingertips.  This is what he has been missing. Touch. Other than Nat, he doesn’t get much human touch. The cats are a good substitute on a bad day.

But who is Steve to complain about lack of human touch when Bucky is standing mere feet away.  Bucky, who can’t stand the thought of being touched, who screams if someone even gets close.  Bucky needs this more than Steve does.

"Bucky, come on" Steve yells over to Bucky. He really wants Bucky to play with the kittens.  He knows that Bucky cannot handle touch, but maybe he could stand to touch the cats.

"They're so soft and fluffy," Steve entices. "Come in for at least a moment."

Bucky shuffles closers to the pen. He looks apprehensive but a little curious too. He spies a sleeping kitten and likely decides that it is harmless. Bucky enters the pen, avoids Steve and the hyper kittens around him, and goes toward the sleeping one.

He hesitates when he gets there, but eventually sits down next to the kitten.  He reaches out his hand to touch it, then backs away.  He tries again and succeeds this time.  He strokes the kitten in slow motions and it starts purring. Bucky has a wide smile on his face, the biggest Steve has ever seen on him. 

The kitten slowly wakes up as Bucky is petting it. He stretches out, exposing his fuzzy white belly.  Bucky panics for a moment, withdrawing his hand.  Then curious, Bucky goes to touch the cat’s stomach.  Steve knows from experience that that is the softest part of a cat, but also can be perilous to touch.  He hopes that the kitten will be docile and won’t try to ensnare Bucky.

It turns out Steve has nothing to worry about. The sleepy kitten wakes up and decides he wants to cuddle with Bucky.  It gets up from its sleeping spot and crawls into Bucky's lap and promptly goes back to sleep. Bucky looks startled at this new state of affairs, but eventually goes back to petting the kitten.

Bucky looks contemplative as he strokes the black and white kitten on his lap. Steve doesn't know what he's thinking about but it seems to be important.  He decides to leave Bucky alone with the kitten so he can think. 

 

* * *

 

That night before bed Steve resolves to talk to Bucky about why he can't touch people. It's something that has been bugging Steve for a while.  People need human contact. What could have possibly happened to Bucky that he shuns all touch, even comforting gestures? 

Bucky is sitting in his usual corner staring at Steve. The pattern of the last few nights is that Bucky stays in the corner watching Steve until he goes to bed. Steve hasn't seen him lay down and he assumes that Bucky waits for him to fall asleep.  Steve is woken up at least once a night by Bucky's nightmares, but so far none of them have been as bad as that first night. Bucky always seem exhausted afterwards, and amazingly is able to fall asleep again relatively quickly.

"Bucky," Steve starts. "I want to ask you a question.  Is that alright?" Bucky doesn't move and Steve takes that to mean that he isn't vehemently opposed to the idea.

Steve starts right off with the hard questions. "Why can't you touch people? Did someone hurt you?"

Bucky bows his head and tears well up in his eyes. That's a yes then. Steve assumes that Bucky has PTSD from whatever happened to him.  But that doesn't quite explain the extreme aversion to touch.

Steve has and idea. "Would you be opposed to touch if you were in control?" he asks.

Bucky lifts his head and cocks it to the side. His brows are furrowed like he doesn't understand. 

"It's just an idea," Steve continues. "But if you were the one doing the touching instead of being touched, would that be OK?"

Bucky contemplates the idea, but doesn't seem to come to a conclusion.

"Say if I let you touch my hand, and I promise not to move it.  You can try to hold my hand.” Bucky gives a sad smile. That's not a no, but it’s not quite a yes.

Steve goes to sit on Bucky's bed. He sits on the far end away from Bucky so as to not spook him. He lays his hand down between them on the bed invitingly, hoping this will work. 

Bucky doesn't move.  Steve looks away from Bucky.  He feels like he is trying to coax an animal to let him pet it. Steve tries to dispel that image as quickly as he can. Bucky's no animal.

Steve hears a rustling.  Bucky is moving towards him.  Steve waits for a long time, several minutes at least waiting for Bucky to touch his hand.  Nothing happens. Steve can't wait here any longer without looking at Bucky, his curiosity is killing him. He turns his head slowly to take a look at Bucky.

Bucky is staring intently at Steve's hand like it will jump up and bite him like a snake.  The fingers of his right hand are mere inches away, but they aren't moving. Every now and then Bucky's face twitches like he's warring with himself. 

Soon, he hand moves once again towards Steve's. He inches it closer painfully slowly. Finally the fingertips touch Steve's hand.  Bucky lurches backwards like he's been shocked.  He scrambles back to his corner, his eyes are wide with fear. 

"It's OK Bucky," Steve assures him, "I didn't expect that to work on the first try." Steve didn't really expect that to work at all. He's really impressed that Bucky was willing to try that.


	11. Chapter 11

"Sorry!" Steve says without any trace of remorse, "Your pawn goes back to start." Bucky resigns to moving his pawn backwards, but does it slowly and with as much melodrama has he can muster. 

They're playing Sorry, one of the few games the ward's meager selection has to offer.  They had a bit of a struggle at first because Steve had to reach over to Bucky's side to move his pawn.  They solved that problem by having Bucky move them under Steve's direction when the pawns were on his side of the board. 

"Oops, Sorry again!" Steve says as he returns another of Bucky's pawns back to start.  He is crushing Bucky at this game.  It is mostly a game of luck, but that doesn't make it any less fun when he gets on a good streak like he's on now. 

Soon enough Steve gets all his pawns to the finish and wins the game. "Want to play another round?" he asks. Bucky frowns with distaste at the idea. "OK, OK, no more Sorry." he looks around at the board games.  There's not much good left here that they haven't played already. "How about Candy Land?"

Steve doesn't wait for an answer he won't get anyways. He brings the game over to the table and opens up the box. 

Steve doesn't know how long it has been since he last played Candy Land.  Probably when he was four or five. But he does remember playing it vividly.  He played it with his mother. Looking back, he suspects that she probably let him win way too often than was probably good for him.

She must have been bored to tears playing this children's game with him.  But Steve was an only child and was too shy to make friends, especially at that age. Steve's mother was the only one there to play with.  She was always extremely patient, and to Steve, she seemed to be having just as much fun as her toddler. Steve hopes she was.

Steve's father died when he was a baby. Sarah Rogers raised Steve all on her own.  Steve never felt like he was missing anything.  He had so much love from his mother that he didn't need anything else.

Steve's mother pushed him to make friends with the neighborhood kids and kids at school.  The neighborhood kids ignored him and Steve got bullied at school for being so small.  Steve, admittedly, did not try very hard to make friends.  He was always at home with his sketchbook or a good book.

Sarah Rogers developed breast cancer when Steve was in his senior year of High School.  She died that summer. At least she got to see Steve graduate; she was so proud of him. 

Steve lapsed into his first bout of depression after she died.  He delayed going to college for a semester so he could get his affairs in order.  But instead of managing insurance and paying bills, he spent most of his time in bed thinking about his mother. 

Steve recovered when he started at NYU. Going to class gave him something to do, a reason to get out of bed.  Steve didn't have that this time around.  He works from home and rarely leaves the house.  Nat had to sometimes physically drag him out the door so he could get some fresh air and talk to actual people. 

Steve didn't know what to do with himself with this latest relapse.  As far as he can tell, there was nothing that set it off.  His life was the same as it had been for the last two years. But suddenly he was sad. He took to sleeping in, and working late into the night.  He started missing deadlines, something he used to be proud never happened.

What frustrated Steve the most was that he didn't seem to have a reason to be this depressed. Sure, he was lonely, but that hadn't changed recently.  He felt hopeless, that this was the extent of his life.  Steve had nothing more than a long lonely life to look forward to.

These thought come to him just from opening the box of a children's game.  Tears leak out of Steve's eyes that he can't control. 

Bucky looks worried.  He is probably wondering how Steve went so quickly from happy to sad.  That's just how Steve's brain worked, bringing every happy moment down with depressing thoughts.

Bucky reaches out to Steve, which shocks him. He reached over to where Steve's hand is lying on the table.  He looks like he is trying to pat Steve's hand, a gesture of comfort. But just like last night, he can't do it.  He is trying very hard, but he never makes contact.  He finally gives up and puts his hands in his lap. 

Steve smiles at Bucky.  He knows how hard that was for Bucky to even try, so it warms his heart that Bucky did that for him. 

 

* * *

 

That night Bucky has another bad nightmare. Steve is trying to calm him down using the techniques that he has seen Sam use.  "Breathe for me Bucky, please? In, and out, in, and out. That's it." Bucky tries to breathe slowly but he slips a couple of times and goes back to hyperventilating. Steve wonders if he should call the orderlies, but then he remembers the time in group when Bucky panicked. The orderlies did nothing but make things worse.  "Come on Bucky, slow deep breaths." Bucky follows Steve's breathing and starts to calm down bit by bit. 

When it seems like his breathing is back to normal Steve asks him, "Are you alright now?" Bucky nods yes.

Steve is relieved.  This one was worse than the first night.  Steve was worried that he wouldn't be able to calm Bucky down. But now that Bucky is OK, maybe Steve can get some rest. 

 _Wait_ , Steve freezes, _Did Bucky just nod?_

Bucky never nods or shakes his head. He sometimes indicates a yes or a no through facial expressions, but never a simple nod or shake. Steve doesn't know what to make of this. He's sure Sam would call this a major breakthrough. Should he tell Bucky he's proud of him or should he just ignore it for now. 

Steve looks back at Bucky.  He looks extremely tired and he still has tears running down his face.  Now is not the time to bring it up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who leaves comments. I really enjoy reading them. It lets me know I'm not screaming into the void.


	12. Chapter 12

Nat comes to visit again, and this time Steve drags Bucky over to meet her.  Bucky is reluctant, shuffling his feet the whole way there.  Steve gushed about Nat to Bucky earlier and told him what a great person she is.  He doesn’t know why Bucky wouldn’t want to meet her.

But then again Steve probably wouldn’t want to meet a new stranger either.  Nat has tried to get Steve to hang out with her other friends before, and Steve always gets so nervous that he doesn’t make a good impression.  Bucky may have similar fears.

Or maybe it is something different. Bucky’s fear of people might not stem from social anxiety the way Steve’s does.  Considering his nightmares and his aversion to touch, Bucky may be afraid of what people might do _to_ him. That’s an unpleasant thought.

Nat gives Steve a huge hug when she sees him as per usual.  “Nice to see you, Nat,” Steve says, “Thanks for coming.” Steve then waves Bucky over. “Nat, this is Bucky, I wanted you two to meet.”

Bucky comes closer to Nat, taking small shy steps.

“I’m always happy to meet a friend of Steve’s.” Nat thrusts her hand out to shake his hand. 

Bucky draws back as if struck and starts trembling.

“Sorry,” Nat says with concern, “Steve told me you don’t like to be touched, I forgot.”

Bucky hugs himself around the middle, but manages to stay where he is instead of retreating. 

“It’s OK, Bucky,” Steve intercedes, “Nat’s not going to try to touch you again, I promise.” Nat looks guilty for having messed up this interaction so quickly. 

Steve needs to make it better. He wants Nat and Bucky to get along. Right now these are his only two friends; they need to get along.  “Let’s all sit down and get to know each other,” Steve suggests.

They agree and sit down at a nearby table. Things are a bit awkward for a few seconds.  “So,” Nat begins and then trails off.  She turns to Steve. “How do you talk to him anyways?”

Steve grits his teeth. “You talk to him like you would talk to anybody.” Bucky shouldn’t be treated any differently. He can’t believe Nat just said that, right in front of Bucky.

Nat decides to cut her losses at just stop talking. Since Bucky wasn’t likely to start up a conversation, it was up to Steve.

He draws a blank.  Why was this going so poorly? He can talk to Nat just fine and he can talk to Bucky just fine, so why can’t he talk to both of them at the same time.

Steve decides to go for his usual fall back in situations like this. “Anyone up for a game of Rummy?”

And just like that, one game of Rummy later and Bucky and Nat were teaming up against Steve to take him down.

“So that round was 90 points to me, 40 for Nat, and negative 25 for Bucky,” Steve announces after a particularly brutal round. Bucky flops on the table and lightly bangs his head against it for dramatic effect. 

“I agree, Bucky,” Nat says.  “This is ridiculous.  Steve, you have to be cheating.  There is no way you can be this good.  Isn’t there some luck involved?”

Steve chuckles, “There is some luck, but this is mostly skill.” Steve shuffles the deck and deals the cards.

 

* * *

 

Later Nat pulls Steve over to talk to him privately. “I approve,” is all she says.

Steve has a grin on his face for the rest of the day.

 

* * *

 

That night before bed Steve has Bucky try once again to hold his hand.  This time Steve decides to cut the tension by talking while Bucky is summoning courage.

“Nat seemed to really like you. It was a bit awkward at first, but that didn’t last long.  Really I think I was the one who made it awkward.”

Steve takes a look at Bucky.  He is sitting on the bed cross-legged staring intently at Steve’s hand.  His right hand is inching forward ever so slightly.  His face looks grim, but determined. 

Steve goes on. “I’ve never introduced two friends before.  Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever had two friends at once before.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  But surprisingly it went well.”

Bucky’s hand has stopped. It is hovering mere inches away from Steve’s outstretched hand, but hasn’t gone any further.

“But I know what Abigail would probably say,” Steve continues. “She’d say I should probably learn to make friends without the use of board games.”

The hovering continues. Bucky doesn’t make any more progress.

“I say board games are great. Everyone loves a good board game.  They’re the universal icebreakers. But she doesn’t like me using crutches. She’s already on my case because I haven’t made any friends other than you.” 

Bucky is starting to look extremely frustrated, but he still can’t make his hand go any further. 

Steve is starting to worry his conversation distraction isn’t working at all, but he goes on anyways. “I don’t think she understands though, making any friends at all is such a big accomplishment for me. She can’t expect me to do any better so quickly.” Steve is the one getting frustrated now. He’s pissed off at Abigail, but that’s not really what is bugging him.  He is annoyed at himself for being such a weirdo at every social interaction that he can’t make any friends.  He wants to have more friends, he really does.  But it is so hard. 

Steve fights back the tears that want to come to his eyes.  This moment is about Bucky, not his own bullshit problems. 

Bucky pulls his hand back entirely. He uses both of his hands to cover his face.  Steve is disappointed it didn’t work today, but not particularly surprised.  He doesn’t know if this is ever going to work.

Bucky groans and puts down his hands. His shoulders are slumped and his head is bowed.  Steve doesn’t think he’s going to try again.  Bucky moves to sit next to Steve with his back against the wall. 

Steve continues talking.  Bucky is disappointed with himself and Steve thinks he could still use a distraction.  “I’m happy with my progress since I’ve been here.  I still feel like shit a lot of the time, but not 24/7.  I have more hope that I’ll get better again, that maybe I can learn to make friends.  I made friends with you, didn’t I?”

The tears are coming now even though he keeps trying to fight them.  “I don’t know why I’m crying now.  I guess I’m crying because I feel happy when I’m with you.  In some ways it makes the bad times feel worse.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being happy every now and then, but it makes me dread the times when I am low again.” The tears are coming steadily now.

With no warning, Bucky reaches out and grabs Steve’s hand.  Steve thinks it is supposed to be a comforting gesture, but Bucky is gripping Steve’s hand very forcefully. It kind of hurts, but Steve couldn’t care less. 

Bucky is holding his hand.  Bucky is touching him.  Steve almost can’t believe it.

He thinks that maybe he should keep talking, act like it’s the most normal thing in the world.  But Steve can’t keep going.

Steve wants to enjoy this. He’s overjoyed by the fact that Bucky pushed past all his barriers just to comfort Steve. It’s something Nat would do. It’s something a true friend would do.

They share the moment in silence.


	13. Chapter 13

Steve is losing miserably. They’re playing Uno and Bucky is kicking Steve’s butt. Steve has a boatload of cards and Bucky is down to two.  Bucky draws a card, puts down a yellow seven on top of the blue seven, then puts down a yellow two. He raises one finger to indicate Uno, one card left. Steve takes a bet that Bucky’s last card is yellow, not a two.  He changes the color once again by placing down a green two.  Bucky smiles as he puts down his last card, another yellow two.  Tricky bastard. 

“Fine,” Steve says, “You win again.”  Steve collects the cards and starts to shuffle them. “Another round?” he asks.  Steve is determined to win at least one round. 

Bucky gives him the smallest hint of a nod yes. He has started to nod and shake his head when he talks to Steve, but when they are public he makes his motions extremely small.  It seems that he doesn’t want anyone else to know he can communicate, even at this small level. 

Steve finishes shuffling and deals the cards.  “Bucky, can I ask you a couple personal questions?” Steve is so curious about Bucky.  He wants to know what happened to him.  But he’s not sure Bucky will be open to talking about it.  Steve has put this off because he didn’t want to scare Bucky off when their friendship was newer. 

Bucky cocks his head to the side and looks up. He is considering the question.  Finally, he looks at Steve and gives him the smallest of nods. 

Steve decides to start slowly.  “First off, is your name really Bucky?” Bucky nods. “Good I was hoping that was right.”

The next question comes suddenly to mind. “Why don’t you want people to know your full name? You could write it down or something.” Bucky looks down at his lap, his cards on the table, forgotten for now.  “That’s not a yes or no question.” Steve thinks about how to rephrase it.  “Could you write down your name if you wanted to?” he asks.

Bucky is still staring at his lap.  These questions are already getting hard for him.  He takes his time but eventually give a small nod. 

“Then why wouldn’t you want to?” Steve asks. “Don’t you have anyone who might want to know where you are?” Bucky doesn’t answer. 

Steve thinks he should change the subject, but most of his questions aren’t really going to be much easier.  Maybe he should stop, but his curiosity wins out.

“Something happened to you didn’t it? Something bad?” he asks quietly.  Bucky doesn’t move. He keeps staring at his lap, but tears start coming to his eyes. 

Bucky moves back to his usual defensive posture. Legs drawn up in his chair protecting his abdomen, arms hugging his legs, head down, tucked between his legs. 

Steve worries that he might be hurting Bucky with these questions.  But Bucky said he could ask.  Is this his way of indicating to stop? Steve wants to try again. 

“You have PTSD, right?” he asks.  Steve guesses that from the nightmares and panic attacks when he is touched.  This time he gets a response, a small nod yes. 

“Were you a soldier?” Steve has heard that many soldiers come back from combat with PTSD.  Bucky, however, shakes his head.  “But you went through a trauma?” Bucky nods his head. His eyes get a bit more glassy. 

“Is it still OK if I continue asking questions?” Steve asks.  He’s worried about Bucky and doesn’t want to push him.  Bucky pauses for a while, then nods his head yes.  Soon after he changes his mind and shakes his head quickly from side to side.  He tucks his head back between his legs.  “OK, Bucky, I won’t ask anymore.”

 

* * *

 

Steve wakes up to a piercing scream.  He looks over to Bucky who is thrashing around in his bed and yelling.  Adrenaline is coursing through his system.  What is he supposed to do? He’s paralyzed for a second before he rushes over to Bucky’s bed.

“Bucky!” He yells.  “Bucky wake up!”  Nothing happens.  Bucky is still locked in whatever horrible nightmare he’s in.  “Bucky, please, wake up.”

He doesn’t want to touch Bucky without his permission, but he doesn’t know what else to do other than shake him awake.  He can hear the orderlies coming down the hall.  He’s seen what they do when Bucky panics.  Steve wants to be the one to wake Bucky up.  It would be better if Bucky saw a face he trusts. 

Steve steels himself and moves in to wake Bucky up.  He grabs Bucky’s shoulders as lightly as he can and shakes him a little.  It does the trick. Bucky wakes up.  His eyes fly open, but he’s still locked in his head.  Steve can see it in his eyes.  They’re panicked and looking past Steve instead of at him.

“Bucky, calm down, just breathe,” Steve tries to say calmly even though he is panicking a bit himself. 

The orderlies pile into the room.  Steve turns to them. “I’ve got this. Please let me do this.”

Amazingly they agree. “You’ve got one minute,” one of the orderlies says. “After that we’re taking over.”

Steve turns his attention back to Bucky.  He’s cowering in the corner, still screaming.  “Bucky,” Steve tries, “Bucky, please can you look at me.” It doesn’t work.  He thinks back to what Sam tried that day in art therapy.  “Bucky breathe slowly, in and out, in and out.” This isn’t working. 

What would Steve want to hear if he was frightened? He would want to know that he was safe and that he was with people who he trusted. 

“Bucky, you’re safe. It’s me Steve, I promise you that it’s safe.  Please listen to me.  No one is going to hurt you.  You are completely safe here."

Bucky suddenly lunges forward.  Steve is completely unprepared when Bucky grabs him and holds him tight.  Steve pauses for a moment then hugs Bucky back.  He has stopped screaming but he is sobbing violently into the crook in Steve’s neck.  Steve can feel him shuddering with each sob.  Steve rubs his back slowly, trying to calm him down. 

Bucky lifts his head for a brief moment so his lips are by Steve’s ear.  “Steve?” he whispers, barely audible.

“Yeah, Bucky,” he says as he rubs Bucky’s back.  “It’s me.  You’re safe now.”

Bucky quiets down, but doesn’t let go of Steve.  


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's backstory: read at your own risk.

The next day is a bit awkward. Bucky is avoiding Steve. When Steve sat down next to Bucky at their usual table by the window, Bucky got up and left. He wouldn’t come with Steve to art therapy and sat across the room in group therapy.  Steve also notices that Bucky has more than one meeting with Sam that day.  He wonders what that is about. He hopes it isn’t because of him.

That night when Steve goes back to the room, he expects to keep being ignored by Bucky. Instead, when he comes in, he finds Bucky sitting in the middle of his bed staring straight at him.

“Hi, Bucky,” Steve says with a strained smile. He wonders if he should ask Bucky what he has done wrong or if that would just make matters worse. 

Bucky pulls something out from behind him on the bed.  It is a manila folder stuffed full of papers.  Bucky gets up and hands it to Steve.

Steve looks at the folder.  It is labeled ~~John Doe~~ – Bucky.  It’s his patient file. Steve can’t think of any reason why Sam would have given Bucky the file. He must have stolen it. Steve also can’t think of any reason why Bucky would give him the file.  It must be full of personal information.  Surely Bucky wouldn’t want to give all that to Steve. 

Steve takes the file gingerly.  “What’s this?” he asks, feigning ignorance. “Do you want me to read this?” Bucky nods emphatically. 

Steve hesitates.  Bucky seems sure, but he doesn’t want to invade his privacy. He opens the file slowly.

On the first page are scrawled notes that must have been written by Sam in their individual sessions.  _Bucky is really starting to open up.  He responds to questions using facial expressions._ Steve flips the page.  _John has made friends with another patient, Steve Rogers.  They spend a lot of time together.  I believe this is very good for John. He listens to Steve and engages, though he does not speak._

Steve knows most of this so he flips further back into the file.  One line catches his eye. _John refuses to discuss his trauma._ What is his trauma? Steve is so curious.  This page doesn’t say, but he keeps reading. _He makes a fuss every time I bring it up.  I don’t think he will make any really progress until he can open up about it._

Steve moves on, looking for information about what trauma Bucky experienced.  He finds more notes in Sam’s handwriting.  _I believe that John does not speak because he does not want to talk to the doctors and police about what happened. They would want to make him go over every detail and he wants desperately to avoid this._ Still nothing about what happened to Bucky.

He flips through more pages skimming them to find out what he can.  He sees that Bucky is on a lot of medication, high doses of Depakote, Restoril, Klonopin and Seroquel. Steve doesn’t know much about medications, but he has learned a bit listening to the other patients at group. He knows that most of those medications are highly sedating.  He supposes that they are used to help Bucky sleep as well as treat his PTSD, but he doesn’t think they do a good job of that. 

Moving on, he reaches the end of Sam’s notes, but he is only about a third of the way through the file.  The notes after that are written in another hand and with another hospital’s letterhead on the top.  The first page mentions a transfer because he is doing better.

He goes through the notes from the old hospital. They say the same thing over and over. Bucky has horrible nightmares.  Bucky is incapable of human touch. Bucky has panic attacks. Bucky is antisocial. He’s moving faster through the notes now.  The dates show him that Bucky has been in the hospital for about a year and a half, one year at the other facility and several months here. 

Steve finally flips to the last page for answers. There he finds a single page newspaper article held onto the back of the manila folder with a paperclip. He unclips it and begins to read.

 

> **Unidentified 20-year-old man rescued after years of imprisonment**
> 
> A young man was found chained in the basement of a house in Riverdale, NY.  Police rescued him after receiving reports of strange activity in the vicinity of the house. The man remains unidentified by police.
> 
> The man is in stable condition at Grace Memorial Hospital, where he is being treated for severe malnourishment. No statement has been made by the man so far.
> 
> Police have arrested the owner of the house. They have said the suspect is a white male in his 40’s.   The suspect has admitted to charges of kidnapping and rape. 
> 
> The unidentified male was kidnapped about 5 years ago, police said.  They do not have an accurate age but they estimate about 20 years of age. This means the man was kidnapped when he was only 15 years old. 
> 
> The rescue and subsequent arrest occurred late on the night of the June 23rd. Neighbors say the suspect fled and was tracked down by police. 
> 
> “The man tore through here,” said Ben Li, the next door neighbor.  “Right across my lawn and into the woods.  Two cops ran right after him.”
> 
> The police were investigating calls from neighbors about disturbances late at night. The rescued man was not known to be in the house at the time of the arrest.  The police found him and immediately took him to Grace Memorial. 

  

Steve throws up his entire dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :(


	15. Chapter 15

Steve is in shock.  He wanted to know, and now he wishes he didn’t.  He can’t believe the torment the Bucky has gone through. Five years chained in a basement. Holy fuck! How does one even begin to imagine how horrible that must have been?

Steve now thinks he understands everything about Bucky. He sees why Bucky has a hard time trusting people.  He knows why Bucky is scared of touch.  After years of being raped and abused by a monster, Steve wouldn’t want to be touched again either.

Bucky hasn’t moved since he gave Steve the file. He’s still sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed.  The only change is the tears running silently down his face. 

“Bucky,” Steve says shakily.  He holds up the newspaper article.  “Is this what you wanted me to find?” Bucky nods. “Why?” he questions.  “Why would you shows this to me?” Bucky looks hurt when Steve says this. Steve tries to fix it. “I just mean this is extremely personal. Why would you want me to know this?”

Bucky gets up and moves over to where Steve is currently sitting on his bed.  Bucky sits right down next to Steve and gives him a little smile through the tears. Bucky trusts him. Bucky wanted him to know that he trusts Steve.  He trusts Steve not to tell anyone else.  He trusts Steve to help him recover.

Steve moves to take Bucky’s hand the way Bucky did for him the other night.  But Bucky flinches and moves away.  Steve is confused. He thought they had gotten over the problem of touch, at least between them.  If Bucky trusts him enough to show him these files, how does he not trust him enough for that?

Steve supposes it might just be a problem right now. Bucky is hurting. Steve knows from reading the file that Bucky doesn’t like to discuss his trauma.  This is bringing it back up for him.  He will have to be more careful and take his cues from Bucky.

 

* * *

 

The next day Steve returns the file to Sam. He’s a bit worried that it will get Bucky in trouble, but he thinks that Sam needs to know what Steve has seen.

“Where did you get this?” Sam asks when Steve hands him the file. 

“Bucky,” Steve replies.  “I think he must have swiped it from your office.”

“Did you read it?” Sam asks. 

“Yes,” Steve admits. “At least I skimmed through it.”

Sam runs a hand over his face. “Steve…” he begins

“Bucky wanted me to read it,” Steve interrupts. “I’m not really sure why, but he wanted me to know.”

Sam sighs.  Steve wonders if Sam could lose his job over this.  “I really wish he hadn’t done that,” Sam continues. “I will need to see both of you in my office right away.”

He leads Steve to his office. He leaves him there while he goes to fetch Bucky.  Steve feels like he is in the principal’s office waiting to be punished for some misdeed.

Sam comes back in with Bucky trailing behind him. Bucky sits in the chair next to Steve, both of them facing Sam on the other side of his desk.

“Bucky,” he begins, “Steve tells me you stole your case file and gave it to him to read. Is this true?”

Bucky looks over to Steve.  Steve is glad he doesn’t look like he’s been betrayed. He was worried that Bucky might lose some trust in him for ratting him out.  Now he thinks that Bucky knew this would happen.

Bucky looks back over to where Sam is sitting, and gives one emphatic nod. 

Sam loses his composure for a moment. “Holy shit!” he exclaims.  “When did you start doing that?”

Bucky looks over to Steve, willing him to answer for him.  “He’s been doing that for a couple of days,” Steve tells Sam, “But I think it’s only to me.”

Sam gets his shit back together and goes back to therapist mode.  “I wish you would have told me this, Steve.” 

“I figured if he wanted you to know,” Steve tells him, “He would have done it in front of you.  Now he has, so I’m free to discuss this.”

“Steve, I know you want to help your friend, but you are not his therapist.  I wish you would leave Bucky’s recovery in our hands.  This is an important step for Bucky and it would have been useful to know this a few days ago.”

“You’re not going to be here forever, Steve. Someday you will leave, and it is important that Bucky is capable of growth without you around. I know you mean well, but from now on I want you to report to me about anything you think is significant.”

Steve thinks about how Bucky hugged him the other night.  Surely the orderlies reported that to Steve.  Should he tell Sam that they have been working on that together?  He looks at Bucky. His hand twitches as his thinks about them holding hands.  Bucky stares back at him, then switches his gaze to Steve’s twitching hand.  He takes the initiative and grabs at Steve’s hand. Just like before, the grip is too tight to be comfortable, but Steve doesn’t care. 

Sam keeps his cool a little better this time, but his eyes grow wide.  “When did this begin?” he asks calmly. 

“A few days ago,” Steve answers, “But it doesn’t happen regularly.”  Bucky lets go of his hand.

“Ok,” Sam starts again, “This is something to be tabled for a later time.  I brought you here to discuss the file. Bucky, you indicated that you stole the file and gave it to Steve.  You wanted Steve to read the contents?” Bucky nods.  “Do you think that Steve can do something about it?” Bucky contemplates for a moment before shaking his head. 

“Can I cut in?” Steve asks. “I think it might be a gesture of trust.  I’ve shared some personal things about myself, I think he wanted to do the same.” Bucky stares at him a moment, pondering that, then nods to Sam. 

“Bucky’s my friend, and good friends tell each other personal things.  You’re right, I’m not his therapist and I can’t fix him.  I don’t want to fix him. To me he’s fine the way he is, he’s my friend either way.  I just want to be there for him while he’s getting better.  Bucky must think that I can do a better job of that if I know what happened to him.”

Steve is getting a bit misty eyed at this one. He has a friend, a friendship so strong that he would stand up for him in any situation, a friendship where they know everything about the other.  Nat is a good friend, but what he has with Bucky seems to be a level deeper. He thinks it is because Nat has never had a mental illness.  It’s hard to explain what it is like to someone who has never experienced it, like trying to describe color to a blind man.  But with Bucky, they both understand instinctively when the other needs comfort or when they need to be distracted from their thoughts. 

“I understand how you feel, Steve,” Sam says. “But I want you to see this from my side.  All I want is what’s best for Bucky.”

“That’s all I want too,” Steve replies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully that's a little more comfort for all that hurt last chapter.
> 
> And now for some shameless self promotion, I started another unrelated fic called [ Captured ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5411345/chapters/12502502) that you should check out.


	16. Chapter 16

Steve can't get the file out of his mind. He wants to banish the images it created from his mind, scrub his brain clean of the things he now wishes he didn't know. 

If it's this bad just for Steve to read about, what must it be like for Bucky.  He's been in various facilities for over a year and still hasn't even progressed to being able to talk.  How does one process a trauma like that? 

Steve wonders, not for the first time, about whether Bucky has a family.  He's still technically a John Doe, which means that if he did have a family out there, they wouldn't even know he was alive.  Does Bucky prefer it that way? How could he? If Steve had any family still alive, he would want to be with them in a heartbeat.  But what happened to Bucky is different then what is going on with Steve. He can imagine that Bucky must have once been a quite different person.  He was probably talkative and outgoing, maybe he had a bunch of friends, a girlfriend, who knows?  For someone who knew Bucky back then, seeing him as he is now would be a huge shock. Bucky surely knows this. Maybe he is protecting his family from that.  Maybe he is just embarrassed of what he has become.

Or maybe he has no family anyway and Steve is just speculating wildly again.  He will never know until he gets Bucky to open up to him and give him the answers to all his questions. 

To that end, he goes to find Bucky. Steve's search ends as soon as he gets to the common room.  He is struck by the sight he sees; it’s the same one he saw on this first day. Bucky is sitting at his window, hugging his legs, tears slowly falling down his face.  Steve hates seeing him like this. He knows that Bucky has made so much progress since he arrived, to see him back in the exact same position he was in before, it breaks Steve's heart. 

 _We all have bad days_ , Steve thinks.  The therapists have tried to drive this point home.  No matter how much progress we make, there are going to be bad days where it seems like there has been no progress made at all.  The goal is to get past these bad days and get back onto the road towards progress. 

But Steve is afraid that he is the cause of Bucky's bad day.  Showing him that file must have brought a lot of Bucky's past back into the forefront of his mind. It cost Bucky a lot to do what he did. Steve feels like he needs to earn the level of trust he has been given. 

He sits down across from Bucky. Bucky's eyes don't leave the window. "Hey Bucky," Steve starts, "How are you doing?" As a response, Bucky continues to stare out the window.  Steve knows not to take it personally.  "You know, I never really thanked you," Steve continues, "For showing me that file. In fact, I think I was quite rude.  I was just in shock."

Bucky finally turns to look at Steve, tears still glistening in his eyes. Steve goes on. "I didn't understand at first why you would show that to me.  I think I do now, and I want to thank you for the level of trust it took to do so." Bucky gives a little half smile.  He's still crying, but Steve knows now that it will be all right. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky has woken up three times already tonight, and Steve is wide awake just waiting for the next nightmare to hit. He is always amazed that Bucky can sleep after a bad dream, but he supposes the handful of sedating medications he takes each night are probably the reason why he can. Steve, however, takes nothing to aid his sleep, so he lays in his bed, wide-awake, for ages after Bucky has a nightmare. 

Bucky gasps awake for the fourth time that night. His dreams this night have been frequently, but not as bad as they usually are, so when he wakes up, Bucky knows where he is. 

Steve rolls over to face Bucky, and he turns his head to face Steve.  "You alright?" Steve asks.  Bucky nods. Steve can see his breathing is already evening out.

"Do you remember being a kid?" Steve blurts out suddenly.  Bucky looks at him confused.  "I don't mean do you have your memories, I assumed you did.  I just mean, do you remember how it felt to be a kid? The freedom from the worries we carry now.  The assurance that all of our ills could be fixed by our parents.  The comfort we felt when a loved one checked under the bed for monsters and confirmed there was nothing lurking underneath.  Do you remember that?"

Bucky turns his head to face the ceiling, but gives a curt nod.  "Do you think that we can ever get back there again?" Steve asks.  Bucky turns back to Steve and lightly shrugs his shoulders.

"I know we can't have the innocence of our youth back. That's not what I'm asking.  I was just pondering whether it was possible to capture the feeling. The comfort, the surety that everything will work out for the best. 

"I think that's what I've been missing the most since my mother died.  I assumed that part of my life was over for good.  But these days I'm not so sure.  I think it might be possible to regain some of that feeling again, I'm just not sure it is possible for everyone.  What do you think Bucky?"

Bucky shifts onto his back and stares at the blank ceiling.  He doesn't respond, lost in thought. 


	17. Chapter 17

“You’ve made great progress,” Abigail says during their individual meeting.  “I’m very proud of you.”

“Thank you?” Steve says warily.  He is happy for the praise, but he’s not really sure where it is coming from.  He knows that he has made some progress, but Abigail seems to be making more of it than he would. 

“Do you have any current suicidal ideations?” she asks.

Suicidal ideations come in two flavors, active and passive.  Active means “I have a plan and I mean to carry it out” and passive means “I wish I were dead, but I won’t do anything to make that happen.”

“A few passive thoughts,” Steve admits. 

“Great,” Abigail says, as if he just said everything was sunshine and roses instead of saying he wishes he were dead.  “That’s much better than when you arrived.”

“I suppose.” Steve is used to passive suicidal thoughts.  His suicide attempt was more of a fluke brought on by the alcohol. 

“What about drinking?” Abigail asks. “Do you have any desire to drink?”

Steve thinks about it. “Well, sure. I have the desire.  But I also know what it does to me now.  With some more counseling and some good friends keeping me straight, I shouldn’t go overboard like I did before.”

“That’s good news,” Abigail says brightly.  “I seem to remember you have a good support system in your friend Nat, is that right?”

“Yes, Nat’s great,” Steve agrees.

Abigail continues. “She is a good resource for you. Do you have any plans for when you are released?”

“Nat said I should come live with her,” Steve answers. “I don’t want to bother her, but she insists.”

“I think that is a good idea,” Abigail says.  “It is good to have a support system when you leave here.

“The reason I bring this up is I think you are ready to be released.”

What? Released? Steve doesn’t feel ready at all. What has he accomplished? Is feeling slightly less likely to kill himself enough? He feels there should be more hoops he has to jump through before they let him go.  How has he shown that he isn’t a threat to himself of others?  He could go off the deep end at any second.

“Do you feel ready to be released?” Abigail asks the questions that’s been going through his mind.

“No,” Steve states emphatically.  Of course not. He’ll just go straight back to his old habits, his old way of doing things that got him into trouble in the first place.  How has he changed in the last two weeks.

That’s when he thinks of Bucky.  Bucky is the reason he is feeling better.  Without Bucky, what will he be? He’ll just be the old friendless Steve, the one who ended up in the hospital.  Bucky is the only one that makes him believe that he is capable of making friends.  Bucky is the only one who makes him happy.  He doesn’t think that he could make it alone without Bucky.

And what about Bucky himself? Bucky has shown a great amount of progress.   Bucky has talked to him, Bucky has touched him. These things had never happened before Steve arrived.  If Steve leaves, will Bucky be all alone again? Will Bucky be able to make more progress without Steve around? Will Bucky revert to the antisocial introvert he was before Steve came? Steve won’t let that happen.

“I can’t leave,” he blurts out. 

“A lot of patients don’t feel ready to be released.  It’s completely normal. And I promise you won’t be left out in the cold. We have an outpatient program meant for people to transition from inpatient to the real world.”

“What does that mean?” Steve asks. 

“Our outpatient program is much like our inpatient one here, except that you go home to sleep in your own bed at the end of the day.  You have therapy from 9-4, then you are free to go about your day. It helps many patients transition easier before leaving us entirely.”

“But what if I’m not ready,” he asks.

“I think you don’t know what you are capable of, Steve, “ Abigail tells him.  “You are doing much better than you seem to think you are.”

“But,” Steve starts. He doesn’t know how to finish. He wants to go home, he really does, but Bucky… He knows Abigail won’t understand if he asks about how Bucky will do in his absence.  Perhaps he should ask Sam instead.

 

* * *

 

Steve has been putting off telling Bucky about his departure.  It won't happen until tomorrow in any case, but he needs Bucky to hear it from him instead of from someone else, like Sam.

Steve agreed to play Uno again to put Bucky in a good mood, and has consistently been losing yet again. Finally, Steve can't put it of any longer. He has to tell Bucky. 

"They're releasing me," he just blurts out during one of Bucky's turns.  Bucky pauses while putting down a card and looks up at Steve. The forgotten card just hovers above the discard pile. 

Steve looks guilty, even though he technically hasn't done anything wrong.  "I.., I.." he starts stuttering. "I leave tomorrow," he eventually spits out. 

Bucky slowly puts the card in his hand back into his deck and puts his hand face down on the table. The Uno game can wait until later. 

"I don't want to go," Steve continues. "I don't want to leave you here alone." Bucky starts shaking his head quickly from side to side.  That's not what Bucky wants to hear. 

Of course Steve doesn't want to leave Bucky alone, but he needs to go.  Being locked up in the psych ward is not where he needs to be. He shouldn't stay any longer than he needs to for Bucky's sake.

Steve is starting to tear up now.  He knows that Bucky is right, that he needs to go, but he can't stand the thought of leaving Bucky. He is making so much progress. Will it continue when Steve is no longer there to bring him out of his shell.  "I'll come visit," he tells Bucky, "I promise I will." Bucky nods his head, his eyes are a bit misty now too.  "I'll bring some proper board games too, no more of these games for five year olds."

Bucky looks mildly offended and brings his Uno cards closer to his side of the table. "Of course we can still play Uno since you love it so much." Bucky smiles.

"I really do promise that I'll come back," Steve says more seriously. Bucky smiles, lifts up his Uno hand and starts to play again. 


	18. Chapter 18

The next morning, Steve is slogging through a mountainful of release paperwork in Abigail's office.  His hands are shaking slightly as he signs each form. He's not ready for this, he's so not ready for this. 

When he finishes, Abigail escorts him back to the common room where he had left Bucky and Nat.  Bucky is here to say goodbye, something Steve doesn't want to think about yet, and Nat is here to pick him up.  They've agreed that he is going to spend the next couple of weeks staying with her while he attends outpatient therapy. When he gets a bit steadier on his feet, then he can think about living alone again.  He and Nat have had this discussion many times. She doesn't want him to live alone, thinks it is not good for him.  But Steve doesn't want to be a burden on Nat. Plus, he needs some time to himself every once in a while.  Being an introvert is hard when you are living with a well-meaning but nosy extrovert.

Nat and Bucky have spent the time waiting for Steve playing the children's game mousetrap.  The Rube Goldberg machine they are building is almost constructed, but they abandon it once they see that Steve is ready for them. 

Nat sees how unsteady Steve is on his feet and she goes over to him and gives him a big hug. "Everything ready?" she asks when they part.

"Just about," Steve replies. "I just need to say goodbye to Bucky."

"Alright," she agrees, "I'll meet you out in the lobby." She leaves Steve so he can be alone with his friend.

Bucky is a bit misty eyed, but he tries his best to put a smile on his face.  "I'll really miss you," Steve starts, "And I'll be here every Saturday, I promise."

Bucky clenches and unclenches his hand a few times. He keeps trying to put his hand out in front of himself as if to shake, but he keeps pulling it back at the last second. Steve stands still, waiting for Bucky to decide what to do.  Bucky gives up, paces for a minute, then swings back in for a bracing hug. Steve hugs him back with everything he's got.  They stay like that for a minute, neither one wanting to be the one that pulls away first.

Finally Steve lets go.  He grips Bucky by the shoulder and holds him at arms length. "I promise I'll be back," he tells Bucky.  Bucky nods in agreement and they part.  Steve gives Bucky a little smile, then turns and leaves before he won't be able to.

 

* * *

 

Nat brings him to her apartment. She's got a two-bedroom place in Soho, crazy expensive.

"This bedroom's for you," she says as she leads him into the apartment's second bedroom.  "You can spread out in the apartment as much as you like. My only condition is that you play with Misha, he doesn't get enough exercise." Misha is Nat's devil cat that no one except Nat gets along with. 

Steve sits down on the bed and stares around the room. He's a bit overwhelmed.  Yesterday he thought he'd be spending a few more weeks in inpatient, and now he sitting here a free man on Nat's spare bed.

Nat comes and sits down next to him on the bed. "How ya doing?" she asks.

"Honestly," he replies, "I'm really scared."

Nat puts her arm around his shoulder and brings him in close. "I think that's normal," she says. "You'll get back into the swing of things soon enough, I promise."

He smiles at her. She always knows just what to say to cheer him up.

"We're having a party tomorrow," she announces.

"Na-at," Steve whines as he flops back on the bed.

"Ste-eve," she whines back as she flops down beside him.  "You are going to this party," she tells him firmly.  "You need to get back into the swing of things."

"Nat, for me ‘the swing of things' is not the same thing as having a party.  Parties are stressful."

"Not when they're my parties they're not," Nat disagrees.  "My parties are about relaxing.  You could use some of that." 

"Relaxing is taking a bath with a good book, not having drunken people roam around your home."

"My home," she tells him as she gets up off the bed. "You don't have to do any of the party planning or any of the cleanup, I promise."

"Nat, you know that's not what makes it stressful for me." Steve is really starting to get frustrated at her now. He thought she understood this about him by now. 

"Steve," Nat says firmly. "There will be a party, you will have fun, and that is final." She places her hands on her hips at the last word, and Steve thinks she looks so much like a cliché that he can't stop himself from giggling. 

Nat just stands there for a second confused. "Well I wanted you to have fun, but now I'm actually concerned for your sanity.

Between laughs Steve points at her and says, "Just look at yourself. You're demanding I be entertained.  Well, I've been entertained.  Just please don't make me go to a party."

Nat rolls her eyes. "I have decreed there will be a party, and I am not backing down."

Steve supposes that’s it.  He’s not getting out of this now.


	19. Chapter 19

Nat is the most morbid person in the world.

She has titled the party “I’m not dead,” and has littered the apartment with skeletons and other Halloween decorations. No way is Steve going to last the night.

Steve was hoping to get through this party with a shred of dignity.  He put on a long sleeved shirt to hide his fading scars and he was hoping that politeness would keep people from asking what happened.  But with Nat’s party theme and apparently blunt Facebook invite, Steve’s not going to be able to slide out of this one. 

This becomes completely apparent to Steve when he opens the door to admit their first guest.  “Hey Steve-o,” Clint shouts as he squeezes past to get inside, “Let’s see your scars!”

Steve buries his face in his palm. He can’t take a whole night of this.  

“What’s the matter Stevie? Chicks love scars” Clint tries.

“What chicks?” Steve counters. “No one’s here other than you and Nat.”

“I’m offended,” Clint feigns being wounded, “Why wouldn’t you want to woo me?”

Steve rolls his eyes and flips Clint off. Even if Clint and Nat weren’t currently a thing, Clint is far too large for life for Steve to even consider going after. 

The next guest isn't much better. "Congrats on being terrible at offing yourself," Tony cheers as the door opens.  Tony hands Steve a gigantic bottle of some kind of whiskey that looks expensive.

"Um, thanks," Steve starts, "But, um..."

Nat takes over, swiping the bottle of whiskey from Steve's hands.  "Tony," she scolds, "I told you this was a dry party.  Steve's not allowed to drink on his meds and we aren't drinking either as a sign of solidarity.”  Tony groans but doesn't say anything else on the matter.

Tony is Nat's boss, and as she tells it, he is a highly functioning alcoholic.  He always has a bottle of some expensive liquor in his office, but he doesn't let it keep him from being amazing at his job.  Steve suspects that Tony's lack of argument means that he has a flask stashed somewhere and will not in fact be tolerating this party sober.

The other guests pile in one by one, every single one of them a friend of Nat's, not a friend of Steve's. Nat likes to think that by now her friends are Steve's but he doesn't see it that way, and he doesn't think that they see it that way either.  Nat must have begged many of them to come or at least used her ridiculously effective powers of persuasion on them. 

Steve does the same thing he does at all of these parties that Nat throws.  He hovers at the edge of the party and doesn't say a thing.  The other guests don't seem to notice his silence though. They all know each other well and the conversation continues as if he weren't even there.

Steve gets up to get another drink of ginger ale. No one notices his absence. He really doesn't want to go back into the living room, so he awkwardly stands in the kitchen for a while staring at his drink.

Nat does eventually come to find him. "Why are you cowering in the kitchen?"

"I'm not cowering," Steve replies, "I just need a bit of a breather." There are a lot of people in there and he is starting to hyperventilate a bit. 

"Sharon's been eyeing you all night," Nat informs him. 

"Probably just trying to make sure I don't go all psycho on them." Steve replies curtly.  Nat looks offended.  These are her friends, and she doesn't appreciate him implying that they would be so rude.  In fact, Steve is the one being the rude asshole right now.  He's just on edge, and his dark thoughts come to the forefront when he is.

"I'm really sorry Nat, I don't know what's gotten into me." He sighs. "Which one is Sharon again?"

Nat comes to stand next to him. "Long blond hair, white dress." She knocks shoulders with Steve. '"She thinks you're cute." _Yeah right_ , Steve thinks.  "You should ask her out."

Steve thinks that is the probably the worse idea that he has heard in a really long time. "Nat," he begins, "Please don't make me do that."

"Why not? She'll probably say yes." Nat tells him.

"Yeah," Steve agrees. "That's why I don't want to ask."

"Too shy?" she guesses.

"No," Steve sighs, "It's not that. Well, yes, I mean, I am too shy, but that's not the point.  I'd ask, and she say yes, but it'd be a pity date."

"What? Why would you say that?"

"No, I'm serious. She pities me, they all do," he gestures to the living room. "Poor depressed Steve needs some cheering up.  That's the only reason any of them are here." Tears start crawling their way to his eyes.

"Don't say that Steve," Nat is starting to get emotional too, which is a rare occurrence for her. "They genuinely care."

"I'm sure your friends are nice people," Steve assures her, "And if they were my friends they would care rather than just pity me.  But they're not my friends, Nat. They're your friends. I haven't had a proper conversation with a single one of them.  You bring them here and expect me to just get along instantly.  Maybe that would work with someone else, but I don't function that way. I can't just be thrust into a social situation and come out on top."

Nat puts her arm around him. "I don't think you give yourself enough credit.  You aren't some freak incapable of making friends.  You are no different than anyone else. Everyone has some social anxiety when meeting new people.  You just trump it up in your head and make a bigger deal of it than it is.

"These people want to get to know you. If you gave them half a chance they would see that you are the awesome person I keep telling them about. Sharon for example.  She really does think you are cute, and she really would go out on a date with you. Not because she pities you, but because she likes you and wants to get to know you better. 

"I'm jus not ready for this, Nat. I know you meant well, but I can't handle this right now.

Nat sighs.  "This party was a terrible idea, wasn't it?"

"Not terrible," Steve assures her, "Just too soon.” 


	20. Chapter 20

"Now we can play real board games," Steve announces when he comes to visit Bucky. "This is Carcassonne, it's a game for adults, not for five-year-olds." Steve opens the box he brought with him and starts taking out the contents.

Bucky is sitting on the other side of the table from Steve just taking it in. Steve was hoping to get a bit more of a reaction from him. They had talked about playing some games from Steve's collection before he left. Back then Bucky had seemed a lot more interested. Now he's just staring at the game, not giving Steve any indication of what he's thinking.

Steve takes the pieces out one-by-one and shows them to Bucky while he describes the rules of the game. Bucky still isn't responding.

"Did you get all that?" he asks Bucky. Steve waits for a nod or a shake of the head, but he gets neither. He is ready to start the game, but he doesn't know if Bucky has gotten all the instructions. "I'll go first," he says. If Bucky doesn't understand the rules yet, he'll have to get them while they are playing. He places his first tile down on the game board and claims his first castle. "Your turn," he tells Bucky, giving him the bag of tiles.

Bucky slowly takes the bag and places it down on the table. He considers it for a moment before he takes a tile out. He places it down next to Steve's tile and claims a road. Steve supposes that he was listening to the rules after all.

"Nat threw a party for me," Steve starts talking while they play. "It was with all her work friends. It was a complete disaster. I don't know what she was thinking.” He watches as Bucky picks up another tile. He doesn’t put it down, though he is studying the game board.  “She’s well meaning, but she just doesn’t get it.” _I bet you do_ , Steve doesn’t say. But Bucky isn’t really paying attention to him anyways. His eyes are still locked on the game board, trying to figure out the best place to put his tile.

Bucky finally plays his piece and then gives the bag of tiles back to Steve. “Enough about me,” he says, “How have you been?”

Bucky looks up for just a moment, but it’s enough for Steve to catch the look on his face.  Bucky is sad.  He’s trying not to show it, but something’s going on.

“Bucky, look at me,” Steve asks. Bucky doesn’t comply. “Are you OK? Has anything happened?” Bucky looks up again, thinks about the questions, then gives a short shake of his head. 

Steve realizes that he asked two questions, and he doesn’t know which one Bucky just answered.  He thinks, though, that it might be an answer to them both. “Nothing has happened but you’re not doing well?” A nod.

“Why not Bucky?” Bucky lifts his head but doesn’t look Steve in the eye.  He seems to be thinking about the question, but he doesn’t have an answer. 

“Do you even know why? I get down all the time without a good explanation.” At this Bucky nods his head.  He manages to look Steve in the eye after this. He looks like he is struggling to cheer himself up for Steve.  Steve doesn’t know how to help him, and it drives him crazy. 

“Come on, let’s keep playing.  You’re doing really well.  Maybe it will lift your spirits to crush me in this game.” Steve gives Bucky a warm smile, and Bucky does his best to return it.

 

* * *

 

“How was your visit to the hospital,” Nat asks him later.

“Fine,” Steve says, not bothering to elaborate.

“What’s wrong,” Nat asks.  She can always tell when he gets in these moods.

“Nothing,” he tells her, “I just got my ass kicked in Carcassonne.”

“Oh no,” she says with lots of fake drama, “Not Carcassonne!”

“Cut it out,” Steve begs her, but the reality is that she put a smile on his face. 

Nat sits down next to him on the couch. “So what is really bothering you?” she asks.

Steve sighs. “It’s Bucky,” he tells her, “He wasn’t doing so well today.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Steve,” she replies. “Is it because you left?”

Steve thinks about that for a second. It didn’t occur to him at all. He didn’t think his presence would cause that much of a mood change in Bucky.  But clearly Steve is affected strongly by Bucky, maybe it isn’t inconceivable that Bucky would be depressed because of his absence.

“I don’t know,” he admits to Nat. “Bucky isn’t always the easiest person to read.” Steve thinks about it some more and remembers that Bucky doesn’t have anyone else to talk to except Steve. Excluding Sam, who is paid to talk to Bucky, Steve hasn’t seen him interact with anyone besides him.

“Shit, why didn’t I think of that? That’s probably it isn’t it? He’s lonely. And here I was going on about you and the party you threw. That probably doesn’t make him feel better.” Steve throws his face in his hands and groans.

“Don’t worry about it so much, Steve.” Nat rubs his back trying to calm him down.  “I’m sure he was happy to see you today.  And besides, when you care about someone the way you two do, you feel happier just knowing the other person is happy.”

Steve has to agree with her on that one. The few times that Steve has gotten Bucky to smile are some of his happiest memories at the hospital. He’s sad now that Bucky is sad, but it’s nice to think that some of his happiness might have rubbed off on Bucky during his visit today. 

“Wait a minute,” Steve backtracks, “What do you mean by ‘the way you two do’” That’s an odd way to phrase it.  Why not just say “when you are friends?”

“Come on Steve, you know what I mean.” Nat tells him. He’s drawing a blank and lets her know by giving her a questioning look.  “Steve, you’re killing me here. How could you not know?”

“Know what?” Steve asks.

“You talk about him all the time and you always have a look in your eye when you do.  You have the biggest smile on your face whenever you talk about some great leap Bucky has made in his progress.  I’ve seen you two together.  It’s clear.”

“What’s clear?” Steve practically yells at her.

“You’re falling in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	21. Chapter 21

Falling in love? What the hell?

“You’ve got that all wrong, Nat.  We’re just friends.”

“Nope,” Nat tells him.  “You may be just friends now, but that will change, believe me.”

“I don’t believe you, that’s the problem.” Steve groans in frustration.  “You just want me to get together with someone so you’re seeing something that’s not there.”

“Sure I want to see you get together with someone, I want to see you happy.  That doesn’t make me delusional.  I can see what’s right before my eyes, even if you can’t.”

Could it be possible? Steve has never fallen in love before, so he wouldn’t know.  He likes Bucky, that’s for sure, but that’s not the same as _liking_ him. And Bucky certainly is attractive enough, way out of Steve’s league in the looks department. 

But even if he were falling for Bucky, that says nothing about what Bucky feels.  He’s sure that Bucky sees them as friends.  Would he be offended if Steve started to think of there being more between them? Certainly, given Bucky’s background, he wouldn’t be interested in dating anyways.  And who knows if Bucky is even into men, much less weak, tiny, blond men.

Arg! Nat is getting into his head. “You’re crazy,” is all he says, and thankfully, Nat leaves it at that. 

 

* * *

 

Steve has his first day of outpatient therapy on Monday.  He’s late.  The nurse quickly shows him around the facility, then deposits him in a room full of people. There is only one seat left, it is the one right next to the door.  The person who is talking is across the room.  They’re talking about problems with their parents they had last night.

Suddenly, the person sitting next to Steve starts talking. He takes a look at her.  She is an older woman who is carrying a clipboard and taking notes. _Great_ , Steve thinks, _I sat right next to the therapist_.  Now everyone is looking in his direction.  They must be thinking, who is this new guy who came in late and why is he sitting there. Steve is extremely embarrassed.

The hour passes slowly while each person in the large room shares how their evening had been.  When they get to Steve, they skip him and he is incredible grateful.

The group session ends, but Steve is still awkward. Everyone seems to know where they are going, but Steve is just milling around by the front door, extremely confused. He feels like it’s the first day at a new school.  People are pouring past him through the door, and Steve wills himself to be invisible.

It doesn’t work though, because suddenly there is a skinny brunette woman in her early 20s stretching out her hand in greeting. “Hi,” she says brightly, “I’m Wanda.” She’s got a thick eastern European accent but she is easily understandable.

“Uh, hi,” Steve returns dumbly, “Steve.” He shakes her hand. 

“Welcome to the program, Steve,” she replies, then simply walks out the door with everyone else.  Steve is left standing there wondering what just happened before the nurse grabs him to finish the tour.

 

* * *

 

Steve is happy to hear that they have art therapy in the morning.  He gets there early and finds a piece of paper laid out in front of each seat.  The art therapist isn’t there yet, but he sits down at a place anyways. 

He is itching to draw Bucky, but after the conversation he had with Natasha last night, he restrains himself.  If she saw the drawing she would call him a lovesick schoolboy and he would never hear the end of it.  

The therapist comes in and the room slowly starts to fill with patients.  Steve is eager to hear the prompt so that he can get started on drawing.

The therapist gets started as soon as everyone is present. “Today I want you to draw what your illness means to you. What feelings does it invoke, how does it interfere with your life, and what does this mean for the future?

Steve thinks that’s an easy prompt, he knows just what he is going to draw.  He picks up the pencil and starts to draw himself on the right side of the paper looking towards the left. 

The room is silent for a bit while people get started on their art project.  The first words spoken are from the patient sitting next to Wanda. “Who’s the hunk,” she asks while looking at Wanda’s page. “Is he your boyfriend?”

Wanda looks annoyed at the woman. “No,” she responds, “He’s my brother.”

“Is he available?” the woman asks.

“Not really,” Wanda replies, “He’s dead.”

Steve looks up from his drawing to look at Wanda. He is so startled by the way she just stated that fact, like it’s completely normal to have a dead brother and the woman next to her should have understood it.  Steve wonders if her lack of emotional delivery is a defense mechanism.  It’s not the way he dealt with his mother’s death, he cried for days straight, but he could see how someone would act like this.  It’s easier to deal if you don’t feel anything.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Steve tells her.

Wanda looks over to where Steve is sitting across the table from her. “Thank you,” she says quietly. 

The conversation in the room goes dead after that exchange, so Steve goes back to his drawing.  He has drawn himself on one side of the paper, and everyone he knows on the other, including Nat and Bucky.  He gets started on drawing a brick wall between them. 

When the class has ten minutes left, the art therapist interrupts their drawing.  “Would anyone like to share their work?” she asks.

Wanda volunteers.  She holds up her drawing for everyone to see.  Steve thinks it’s pretty good, she must have an art background herself.  “This is my twin brother,” she tells everyone.  “We were extremely close.  When he died I kind of lost it.  That’s how I ended up here. I love him, and his death caused me a lot of pain.”

“Thank you for sharing Wanda, I know that must have been difficult.” The therapist then zeros in on Steve. It must be because he’s the new guy. “Steve, would you like to share.”

 _Not really_ , he thinks, but he knows that he isn’t going to get anywhere with that attitude. He collects himself and starts explaining his drawing.  “I drew myself separated from all my friends with a brick wall.”

“What does the brick wall symbolize?” the therapist asks.

“It’s symbolizes how closed off I am. I put a wall between myself and others. I don’t let people get too close to me, and in return I don’t get too close to them.”

“Is part of the wall crumbling?” the therapist asks pointing to part of the page.

“Yeah,” Steve replies.  “I’m starting to have hope that I can bring down the wall bit by bit. It’s not an easy task, but that’s what I’m here for. 

“That’s really great Steve, thanks for sharing.” The therapist moves on to the next person who wants to share.

Steve takes a longer look at his drawing. He notices something that he hadn’t consciously done.  Bucky is the one standing closest to the crumbling piece of wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm addicted to comments. Feed The Beast!


	22. Chapter 22

“I’m sorry Bucky,” Steve says during their disaster of a game of Dominion. “I guess I didn’t know the rules as well as I thought I did.” Steve has only played Dominion a handful of times, so his grasp on the rules is a bit shaky. He is borrowing the game from Clint, or more accurately, Nat is borrowing it from Clint, and he is borrowing it from Nat. He doesn’t know Clint well enough to ask him for the game directly.

Steve flips through the rules, but they are several pages long and fairly complicated. “Do you want to try this again?”

Bucky grimaces, so Steve supposes that idea is out.” Well I didn’t bring anymore games, so we’ll have to play whatever’s here.” Steve looks over to the bookshelf with the games. They’ve played just about everything there is. “Uno?” he suggests. Bucky smiles. He seems to love crushing Steve in Uno. At least he likes it better than being creamed by Steve in Rummy. They need to find a game where they are an even match for each other.

Steve gets up and goes to the bookshelf to get the game. “Hey shrimp!” he hears a familiar voice. Steve turns around and finds himself face to face with Alex. “Whatcha doing back here? Couldn’t hack it in the real world?”

Alex has a smile on his face while he says the cruel words. He really loves tormenting Steve. In that way, he is just like any bully Steve has ever encountered. He hates the guy.

“I’m just visiting,” Steve tells him.

“Right,” Alex returns, “You’re here to see your psycho boyfriend.”

Steve turns red at the mention of Bucky being his boyfriend, but his anger wins out because Alex called him psycho.

“Don’t talking about Bucky that way,” Steve tries to stand up for himself and Bucky.

“I can talk about that mute freak any way I want to.” Alex informs him.

Immediately Bucky is out of his chair. He crosses the small space between him and Alex and draws back his left arm. His fist connects with Alex’s jaw a second later.

The orderlies see the commotion and come running over before the situation can get any more out of hand. Bucky is staring at his fist and backing away from Alex quickly before he gets punched in return.

Steve can’t believe that Bucky did that. He has never seen any violence come from Bucky except for the panic when someone touches him. Steve is stunned. Alex was surely being an ass, but did the situation call for him to get sucker punched?

Alex is raving mad and trying to get to Bucky, but the orderlies are holding him back and starting to drag him away. Bucky is being surrounded by the orderlies, but they haven’t grabbed him yet. He is starting to panic anyway because he can see that he is trapped. He is still holding his wrist. It looks like he has hurt his hand.

“Please don’t touch him,” Steve pleads, “He’s scared.”

“We’ll try,” one of the orderlies responds, “But only if he will follow our directions. Can you do that Bucky? Can you follow me calmly?”

Bucky is wide-eyed and scared but his seems to realize this is the only way to get out of this without them touching him, so he nods.

“Follow me,” the orderly repeats and starts slowly walking down the hall.

“Can I come?” Steve calls to him.

“I probably shouldn’t let you, Steve, but sure,”

Steve runs off after them, then slows his pace when he realizes that running might spook Bucky.

The orderly leads them to the nurses’ office. Steve had never been in here during his stay at the hospital, so it was new to him. There’s an exam table and a few machines for taking blood pressure and the like.

“Sit down, Bucky, and try to calm down for me,” the orderly tells Bucky. “The nurse will be in soon to look at your hand.”

To Steve, Bucky looks fairly calm, at least considering how he normally reacts to being cornered by orderlies. But his hand is starting to look worse now. Steve can see the middle two fingers of this left hand swelling and turning red.

Steve sits down in one of the chairs near the exam table. The nurse comes in a second later.

“Well, Bucky,” she starts, “Looks like you’ve gotten yourself into a bit of trouble again.” _Again?_ Steve thinks. He’s not sure what she is referring to. Perhaps she just means the way he fights with the orderlies when they grab him. Hopefully Bucky hasn’t been going around punching other patients.

Then again, if he had been, he would probably have learned how to punch by now. Steve has never actually punched someone, but he knows you shouldn’t use a closed fist or you could break something and end up hurting yourself worse than you did your opponent. That appears to be what happened to Bucky.

“You can’t touch Bucky,” Steve just blurts out. He feels that if he is going to be here, he should at least be useful.

“I’m well aware of that, thank you. That’s why, if Bucky agrees, I will have him do the examination. What’s your pain like Bucky? Is it really bad?” Bucky gives the smallest of nods. “Is it worse when you touch it?” Bucky nods again. “Hold it out, let me get a good look at it.

The nurse examines his hand carefully, but does not touch it. Bucky listens to her instructions and turns his hand over when she asks him to. “I’m afraid it might be broken, but it doesn’t look like a severe break. We’re going to have to X-ray it.” She gets up and walks towards the door. “Come on,” she says, “Follow me.”

Bucky gets off the exam table and starts to follow the nurse. Steve gets up too and tries to join them. “I’m sorry,” the nurse says, “I’ll have to ask you to stay here.”

“But…” Steve starts.

“No,” she interrupts, “We shouldn’t have let you this far. Stay here, we’ll be back soon. I promise you no one will touch your friend.”

Steve slumps his shoulders in resignation. “OK,” he agrees, “I’ll wait here.” He goes back to his chair. Bucky looks back at him sadly, but eventually goes to follow the nurse again.

Steve waits for a while. He’s worried that Bucky is going to get freaked out by the X-ray machine, but he can’t do anything about it from here. He starts thinking again about what Bucky did. Alex likes to stir up trouble, but did he deserve to be punched? He doesn’t like to see this kind of violence from Bucky. It’s probably not a good sign that he’s on a hair trigger and simple verbal abuse will set him off.

Steve is secretly glad that Alex got what was coming to him, even if that makes him feel like a bad person.

Bucky comes back, trudging after the nurse. She is holding the X-ray results and clips them up to the light box in the room.

“Well the bad news is that you have two broken fingers,” she announces. “The good news is that the fracture is stable, so that makes treatment simple.” She pulls out some medical tape from a drawer. “All we have to do is tape the fingers together to immobilize them, and then they’ll heal on their own.”

Bucky draws his hand back. He must have known this was coming, but he doesn’t want the nurse to touch him.

“Don’t worry,” she says, “This is the simplest procedure there is. I can talk you through it and you can do it yourself. Or your friend here can do it.”

Bucky tilts his head in Steve’s direction, indicating he wants Steve to do it. Steve takes the tape and starts to wrap Bucky’s fingers.


	23. Chapter 23

Outpatient therapy isn’t as bad as Steve expected it to be. Thinking about it logically, he doesn’t know why he thought it would be any worse than inpatient. He supposes he was just nervous about transferring to a different place where he didn’t know anyone, again.

Steve doesn’t expect that he’ll make a friend like Bucky while he is here, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t make friends at all. He finds the people here surprisingly easy to talk to. They all understand about mental illness, but these people aren’t as bad off as some of the ones in the hospital. He finds he can join conversations and not feel as awkward as he usually does.

His third day in outpatient, he was invited to lunch by a really nice middle-aged man. The man, Phil, told him about a little gazebo where several of the patients eat lunch together every day. Steve joined him that day, and was surprised at the level of interaction he achieved. He felt included, even when he just sat there and listened, he didn’t feel like he was on the outside looking in, he felt that he was actually a part of a group.

The therapist had a different idea about making friends though. They said it was best if people didn’t hang out after the sessions were over. People in recovery need stable people around them. If they have another friend with a serious mental illness, they could have the tendency to focus on the other person’s problems when they are supposed to be focusing on themselves.

But how could you not make friends in a place like this. Even Steve thinks so. The people here understand. Many of them have been in similar situations as Steve. It is nice to hear the stories of other people who have the same problems and know that he is not alone. Plus, people share such intimate things about themselves during group therapy. It can be hard not to want to help them after hearing their story.

Wanda for instance, she shares quite frequently about the loss of her brother. Steve listens to her and hears a lot of the same things he feels about the death of his mother. He wants to reach out to her, to assure her. But how, he doesn’t know. If he hasn’t been able to drag himself out of depression after his mother’s death, he doesn’t think he could help Wanda either. But still he wants to try.

He decides to just bite the bullet and go talk to her at lunch. He sits down next to her, but doesn't say anything for a minute.

"Hey," he starts. He can't think of anything to follow that up with, so he just stops, hoping she'll pick up the conversation for him.

She doesn't. She just stares at him with her eyebrows perked up.

"Um..." Steve tries again. _Wow_ , he thinks, _I'm really amazing her with my conversation skills._

He takes a deep breath. He had a reason for coming over here, he might as well just spit it out. "I know what it's like to lose someone close to you. I know how hard it can be."

Wanda's gaze softens. "You've lost someone too?" she asks.

"Yeah," Steve replies. "My mother. She was my whole world. Then suddenly she was just gone."

"How did she die?"

"Breast cancer." Steve rubs his hands over his face. He wanted to talk about this, but now it is getting hard. "We knew it was coming, but it still seemed like such a shock to me. It felt like there was a hole in my heart that could never be replaced."

"I feel very much the same way about my brother. We were always together, and then we weren't. It took almost more strength than I had not to follow him."

"He must have been so young," Steve says, judging from Wanda's apparent age. "If I may ask, how did he die?"

Wanda's finger's clench. He must have hit a sore subject. Time to back track. "You don't have to tell me, I shouldn't have pried."

"No," she says, "It's OK. He was killed in a drive by shooting. They were aiming at somebody else, and he was just in the way. I was there when it happened. I was right next to him, and I didn't get a scratch."

"That's awful," Steve empathizes. "I'm so sorry. That's much worse than what I had to go through."

"No, don't do that," she tells Steve.

"Do what?" he asks.

"Don't feel your pain is any less than mine. What you went through was awful too. To you, the pain is very real, and very strong."

Steve thinks of Bucky, about how he compared his problems with Bucky's. Bucky's background is so horrific that Steve's own problems seem to pale in comparison. But they both ended up in the same place. Comparison gets you nowhere. Wanda is right. Steve's pain is real to him, and it tears him up inside. Just because he hasn't experienced what Bucky has, or even what Wanda has, doesn't mean his pain is any less.

"Thank you," he tells her, and really means it. "What was his name?" he asks.

"Pietro."

 

* * *

"How'd it go today?" Nat asks when she gets home from work.

"Fine," he mumbles back.

"Fine?" she repeats, "Just fine? Come on here, I feel like I'm a parent trying to pull details out of a teenager."

"It's just more therapy." Steve tells her.

"Well, what about outside of therapy? Did you talk to anyone?"

"Actually, I did," Steve says. "I talked to a woman at lunch. We talked about her brother. He died and it hit her hard. I told her I knew what that was like."

"That must have been hard for you to talk about," Nat says.

"Yeah," Steve agrees. "But it was good too, you know. Good to talk to someone who understands."

"That's great," Nat announces. "My Stevie is making friends."

Steve grimaces at the nickname. He feels like a child, just now learning how to make friends.

"She told me something interesting too," Steve continues. "She talked about not comparing your pain to another's."

"That makes sense," Nat agrees. "If you're always comparing your life to starving children in Africa, then you'll never give yourself the right to be upset about anything."

"Yes, exactly. I never really thought about it that way. I always thought I was being weak and childish for having such problems with no real reasons."

"Oh, Steve," Nat sighs. "You know I don't think of you that way."

"I know you don't Nat," he assures her, "It's just how I think of myself. I'm harder on myself than you, or anyone else is. And its how I thought for a long time."

"You going to change that now?"

"I'm going to try."


	24. Chapter 24

“Oh god, another epidemic. Asia is so screwed.” The virus spreads across East Asia, causing multiple outbreaks.

Bucky and Steve are playing Pandemic. They have to work together to cure diseases before they spread around the globe. Right now they aren’t doing so well. Asia is pretty much gone, and now Africa is starting to go too.

Despite the fact that they are losing miserably, Steve is having a blast. Bucky is in a great mood and also seems really invested in this game. Since they have to work together, Bucky has been forced into a lot more communication and he’s taking it well. He points to parts of the board he thinks they should move to as well as cards he thinks they should play. Steve loves to see Bucky like this, and he couldn’t care less that they’re losing the game.

When another epidemic card comes up, Asia outbreaks so many times they lose the game. “Oh well,” Steve says. “That was still fun.” Bucky nods his agreement.

While Steve puts away the game, he surveys Bucky’s condition. He is happy today. Steve would like to think that it is his visit that helped, but Steve has also seen Bucky depressed during their meetings. He wonders if Bucky is making progress in his meetings with Sam. Now that he is communicating better, Sam might be able to more easily get through to him.

But Steve is still concerned about what happened last time. Steve had never seen Bucky instigate violence like that and he thinks that it was uncalled for. Alex had been a pain in both their sides for a long time, maybe it was just one time too many. Steve thinks back to the glue incident as well. That time he had been protecting Steve. Is that what happened last time as well? Steve isn’t sure.

Steve decides to broach the topic with Bucky. “How’s your hand,” he asks. Bucky lifts up his broken fingers and waves so-so with his other hand.

“Can I ask, why did you punch Alex?” Bucky doesn’t answer. The smile is gone from his face. Steve feels horrible for that, but he needs answers. Finally, Bucky points at Steve. “You did that for me?” he asks. Bucky nods.

Steve sighs. “While that’s sweet of you, I don’t want you hurting people on my behalf.” Bucky looks ashamed. “And I don’t want you getting yourself hurt either.

“I care about you, Bucky,” Steve says and then regrets it. He wants Bucky to know he cares, but he doesn’t want him to interpret it the way Nat would.

Bucky looks up at this and gives a small smile. Bucky points at himself then points to Steve. _Me too_ , Steve interprets. He smiles widely at Bucky, then hangs his head to hide just how happy he is at that.

“I just want you to be happy and safe. Punching people isn’t going to help with that.” Bucky nods his head. At least he agrees with Steve.

Steve thinks of Alex. He was spitting mad when Steve saw him last. It wouldn’t be good for Bucky for them to be around each other. “What happened to Alex?” Bucky throws a thumb over his shoulder. Alex is gone then. Where to, Steve doesn’t know, and frankly doesn’t care. “Good.”

“How have you been doing lately?” Steve asks. Bucky gives him a thumbs up. That’s great news. Bucky isn’t usually so enthusiastic about his progress.

“I’ve been doing well too, in outpatient. I’ve been meeting new people, and actually making some friends. There’s this woman, Wanda, she lost her brother. We’ve been talking about loss and she has some really good insights. I think she is helping me a lot.”

Bucky doesn’t look as happy about that as he was hoping he would be. Steve is happy about Bucky’s progress, why wouldn’t he be happy about Steve’s.

Steve continues anyway, hoping if he keeps talking, Bucky will cheer up some. “I also met this man Phil. He’s really nice and invited me to eat lunch with him and a group of others. He’s there because of work stress. He was having nightly panic attacks. I don’t have as much in common with him, but he’s helped introduce me to other people in the program. I really feel like I’m connecting with some of these people.”

Bucky gives him a small smile. I guess he is happy for Steve, but there is something else there too. Jealousy?

“You should try talking to some of the other people here. You should find someone else to connect with.”

Bucky starts shaking his head rapidly. He seems to hate that idea.

“Come on, Bucky. You were able to connect with me. You probably think it’ll be worse than it really would. I know I do that. I always imagine that and interaction will go disastrously wrong. But it’s just a cognitive distortion called fortune telling. You can’t possibly know how it will turn out until you do it. It’s something that I’m working on in outpatient therapy, trying to combat the assumption that everything is going to go horribly wrong and I’ll make a fool of myself.”

Bucky still looks bad. He shakes his head again. Steve hates that he turned Bucky’s good mood into a bad one so quickly. He needs to fix this before he leaves. “Seriously Bucky, making friends is the best thing that’s happened for my recovery. You should try it.”

Bucky gives a tentative smile, then points between himself and Steve. “Yeah, Bucky, we’re friends, but I’m not here all the time.” Bucky looks down, he smile gone.

_Shit Steve, you’re and idiot_. Bucky is probably worried that Steve won’t need him anymore if he makes other friends. “Bucky, you know you’re my best friend, right? I’m still going to come visit you as often as I can. I wouldn’t leave you here alone.”

Bucky smiles again, but it is a sad smile. He doesn’t look convinced, but there’s not much more that Steve can say to prove it to him. Steve’s just going to have to keep coming as often as they’ll let him, and then maybe Bucky will see that he’s not going to be left alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow, your Christmas present will be more fluffy kittens! (No joke)


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back by popular demand: fluffy kittens!

Kittens

There are kittens.

This is awesome.

Nat took Steve to the local animal shelter to look at the new kittens. He told her about the time there were kittens at the hospital and how it was the best day he had while he was there. She decided it was exactly what he needed to cheer him up.

“Now remember, you can’t take one home,” Natasha reminds him.

Nat has a cat, but she’s old and grumpy. She doesn’t like anyone except Nat and she will attack any cat that invades her territory. Nat had tried to introduce a kitten once. It didn’t go well and she had to return the cat to the shelter.

Steve is in heaven, again. He loves that Nat really listened to him about what makes him happy. He doesn’t handle people well, but he loves animals. And kittens are the cutest.

The kittens are roaming around a room with a glass front. Steve can see them playing with each other or the toys scattered around the room. He wants to go inside and play with them, but he doesn’t know the procedure of this place. He’s too shy to ask, so he begs Nat to go find someone. While he waits he stares at the kittens.

When Nat comes back, Steve is bent down touching the glass where a kitten is pawing at the window. Steve has the biggest smile on his face. Nat has brought a woman with her. She’s got a badge on her shirt, so Steve assumes she works here.

“You’d like to see the kittens?” the woman asks.

“Yes!” Steve answers, bounding up from his crouching position.

The woman opens the lock on the door and leads him in. The kittens swarm him immediately. He sits down in a pile of kittens and lets them crawl all over him.

The woman starts to talk about the cats. “They’ll all extremely outgoing and very friendly,” she explains. “They’ve been around people since they were born, so they have been socialized.”

Steve picks up a fuzzy one, but loses control of it quickly and it climbs up his front to perch on his shoulder. He can’t help but giggle at this new situation. “Are they good with older cats?” he asks the woman.

“Steve,” Nat warns, “What did I tell you.”

Steve hangs his head. “I know,” he relents. He knows he can’t bring one home, but right now in a pile of kittens, he really wants to keep one.

 

* * *

 

Phil has invited him and Wanda to go for a walk in the park on Sunday. He is nervous as hell. It’s one thing to talk to them in a structured environment like the outpatient facility, where there are other people and he doesn’t have to always keep the conversation going. It’s another thing for there to only be three of them. At least it’s not just him and Phil. With Wanda there, he can let her take over most of the conversation.

He almost didn’t go. He was going to call Phil and say he was sick. But his therapists are always saying that he needs to go out more and interact with people. So he took a deep breath, went out the door, and kept walking step by step until he got to where they were meeting.

Phil is incredibly nice to invite him. He doesn’t really know why he did. Steve hasn’t shown himself to be particularly great at being friends. He and Phil have talked a few times at lunch, but the conversation has always been stilted and awkward. Steve guesses that he just wanted to invite Wanda, and he invited Steve along because he’s seen them talk a few times.

Steve gets there and Phil is waiting for him, but Wanda isn’t there yet. Steve freaks out a bit that he’s going to have to talk to Phil for a while before Wanda shows up. He hopes she gets there soon.

“Hey, Steve,” Phil greets him. “Do anything fun yesterday.”

“Yeah,” Steve says relieved he has something to talk about. “I went to an animal shelter with by friend Nat and we played with some kittens.”

“That’s a great idea,” Phil says. “It probably really helps with depression, huh?”

“Well it certainly made me feel better,” Steve responds, “At least for a little while.”

“Sometimes that’s all you can ask for.” Phil says.

“It’s not really my idea either,” Steve confesses. “They did it in inpatient.”

“I didn’t know they would do that there,” Phil says. “That’s pretty cool.”

Phil was never inpatient. He went directly to the outpatient facility because of a recommendation from his therapist. She had told him he should get some more intensive help before things get even worse. Phil agreed that was what he needed. Steve thinks he could have used that advice himself before he almost died. But then he wouldn’t have met Bucky, so c’est la vie.

Wanda finally shows up and Steve is relieved that the pressure is off him to keep a conversation going. Surprisingly though, it was going really well with Phil. They start walking through the park and discuss how their weekends have been so far.

Phil tells them both about his work stress problems. He says his job is great, flexible hours, just the right amount of a challenge to keep him satisfied, and great colleagues. Really it is his dream job.

But he was scared, all the time. He didn’t think he fit in. He thought that he didn’t deserve the job, and was terrified that people would find out at any moment.

Eventually he started having problems doing his work. He would surf the internet for hours instead of getting his work done. He would take sick days just so he could lie in bed all day to avoid going in. He started drinking everyday the moment he got off work to relieve his stress.

Each day he thought he was going to get fired. He started having panic attacks in the middle of the night. His loss of sleep at night would help him justify sleeping in the next day.

He was in a downward spiral and he was afraid that it was obvious to everyone. But no one said anything. Not his boss, not his friends, no one. His therapist said that depression isn’t always visible to other people. People with depression try so hard to make sure other people don’t know that they present a cheery face to the outside, and people assume they are fine. Sometimes that is a cultural thing, to hide your emotions. Other time it could be shame due to the stigma placed on mental illness. Either way, no one will know unless you tell them you are struggling.

Steve considered that last part. It was certainly true for him. Nat had no idea he was depressed for the longest time until he told her. Sure, she knew he was shy, but not all shy people are depressed. He hid his feelings so well that she didn’t know about the turmoil that was constantly churning through his brain.

Talking to Phil and Wanda has really made him realize things about his depression that he never understood before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed the fluffy kittens and are having a good holiday break.


	26. Chapter 26

Nat comes with Steve to see Bucky so they can play Settlers of Catan, which requires at least three people. It is one of Steve’s favorite games and he’s excited to share it with Bucky.

Bucky is sitting at his window when they arrive. When Steve goes over to him he barely lifts his head.

“Bucky, you remember my friend Nat,” Steve says. Bucky just stares at him. “I said last time I’d bring her along. She enjoyed playing rummy with us. She’s here to play Settlers of Catan. It’s the game I told you about.” Steve keeps rambling because Bucky isn’t giving any acknowledgement to anything he is saying.

Steve and Nat sit down at the table carefully. Bucky doesn’t seem opposed to this, but he just keeps staring.

“So Nat and I already know how to play, but I guess I’ll have to teach you.” Steve gets out the instructions, trying to figure out the best way to begin his explanation.

Bucky doesn’t give any indication that he’s taking this in. Steve is starting to get worried. Bucky has been so open with him lately, this is not a good sign. He’s not even sure if Bucky wants to play a game today. But since this is Steve’s way of talking to Bucky most of the time, he’s going to give it a try.

“Ok, that’s it,” Steve says after he finished his explanation of he rules. “If you need any more info, the instructions are pretty clear.” Steve hands the instructions off to Bucky, and he actually takes it and starts flipping through it.

They roll to see who goes first. It ends up being Bucky and he puts a settlement on the board. Steve and Nat go after him. It continues like this for a while, but Bucky seems distracted. He keeps looking out the window, and he has to be reminded when it is his turn. But he keeps playing the game dutifully.

One of the mechanics of the game is trading, so people have to talk to each other to make a deal. Steve came up with a system for Bucky where he points to cards. However, he never uses it throughout the game. It’s probably one of the reasons he is losing. This whole time, Bucky hasn’t made any movements to express himself. It’s his way of not talking beyond not speaking. Steve hopes that it isn’t anything he’s done to upset Bucky, but he doesn’t think that is the case.

After the game ends with Nat winning by a landslide, Steve wants to console Bucky. But he doesn’t know how. He thought that Bucky was the only one other than Nat who he could talk to comfortably, but now he’s coming up blank. He feels there is a lot of tension in the room and thinks it is all his fault.

Steve goes for the only thing he knows cheers Bucky up. “Uno?” he asks.

Bucky turns away from the window to look at Steve. He pauses for a moment, then shakes his head.

“Bucky,” Steve says softly, “Do you want us to go?”

Bucky looks sad and a little guilty when he nods his head.

Steve is upset that Bucky wants him to go, but he also understand. Sometimes you just need to be alone. “Alright Bucky,” he says, “We’ll head out. But I’ll be here on Thursday, OK?” Bucky nods his head. At least he’s not shutting Steve out completely.

Nat leaves first so that Steve can talk to Bucky without her around. Steve looks Bucky in the eye. “Is it anything I did?” he asks. Bucky shakes his head. “You having a bad day?” Bucky nods. “Anything I can do to make it better?” Bucky shakes his head and turns back to look out the window. “OK Bucky,” Steve relents, “I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”

Steve gets up to leave and at the last second turns back to Bucky. “Feel better, OK?” he says. Bucky doesn’t look back or respond, he just keeps looking back out the window.

In the car, Nat turns to Steve. “Bucky’s not doing well, is he?” she asks.

“Not today. Normally he is much better. I have no idea what happened to make him this way today. He may have had a bad nightmare or a particularly hard session with Sam. Sometimes nothing happens, and you still have a bad day. You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, as they say. There’s no logic to it.”

Steve sighs. “I feel like I know Bucky, then something like this happens and then I’m not sure anymore. Normally he would talk to me if something were bothering him. Instead he wanted me to go.”

“Maybe it was because I was there,” Nat suggests.

Steve shakes his head. “He was actually very excited when he heard you were coming.”

“Things change,” Nat tells him. “If he was having a bad day, he might not want to talk about it in front of someone he doesn’t know very well.”

“Maybe,” Steve says. “I just wish I could get inside his head, know what he’s really thinking.”

“Steve, don’t berate yourself for not being able to read his mind.” Nat tells him. “You have gotten him to open up more than he has in years. You should be proud of that. It is a sign of a true friend. Sometimes your friends are sad, and there’s nothing you can do about it except be there for them if they need it.” She glances at Steve. “I should know.”

“I’m sorry Nat,” he says, “I’ve put you through so much and now I’m dumping Bucky’s problems on you.”

“Steve,” Nat interrupts, “I don’t feel like you’re dumping anything on me.”

“But I shouldn’t make you listen to all this,” he says.

“I’m your friend,” Nat counters, “That’s what I’m here for.”


	27. Chapter 27

"I didn't bring any games today,” Steve tells Bucky, “I just brought some art supplies. I thought maybe we could draw a little and talk.”

Steve’s outpatient therapist has been getting on Steve’s case for continuously using board games as a crutch for social interaction. If Steve can talk to Phil and Wanda without board games, certainly he can talk to Bucky.

But Steve still wanted a little help just in case the conversation didn’t get going. Hence the art supplies.

“Do you want to draw?” he asks Bucky. He shrugs and takes a piece of paper and a pencil. Steve has never seen him draw and he has no idea whether he has art skills, but everyone can doodle something. He’s curious to see what Bucky will draw.

Steve doesn’t want to peek however, so he focuses on his own drawing. “Mind if I draw you?” Bucky shrugs again, so Steve takes that as a yes and starts drawing.

“I’m going to start working again soon, so I need some practice. I’m a freelance artist, I’m not sure if I’ve told you that.” He gets to work on the frame of Bucky’s face. “I haven’t really had much time recently to draw for fun. All my art has been focused on work. It’s really nice to be able to draw what I want again.

“I love my work, don’t get me wrong, but I do miss the days when I was free to do my own thing. I’ve thought about doing my own comic book so I can draw what I want again, but I think it’s too hard to break into the industry.”

Bucky is focused on his drawing, so Steve is not sure that he is even listening. He continues anyway. “Since I’ve been in the hospital, I’ve also started to be interested in art therapy. I don’t know if they let crazy people be therapists, but if they do, I think I could do a good job. I really believe that people benefit from art therapy. I know I do. I think I could combine my real world experience with mental illness with my art background and really help people. “

Bucky grabs for another color pencil, a blue one. Steve keeps talking. He hopes some of it is getting in. “It might just be a pipe dream though. I’d have to go back to school and get accredited. I’m already so poor, I’d probably have to live with Nat for even longer. I don’t want to have to put that burden on her. She’d support me, I know she would, but she shouldn’t have to keep that up for so long.”

Steve puts the finishing touches on his portrait of Bucky. “There,” he says. “All done. How’s your project going?”

Bucky’s bent over his drawing so that Steve can’t see it, scribbling furiously with the light blue pencil. He stops when Steve asks him this, and slowly uncovers the paper and hands it over.

It’s a drawing of a window, and the scene beyond. A bush blocks a quarter of the view, beyond lies a tree on a lawn and another building farther back. The sky has been colored light blue except for a few patches of puffy white clouds.

Steve thinks it is very pretty, and much more pleasant than he might have thought Bucky’s first drawing might be. But on closer inspection, he recognizes the lawn and the building beyond. It’s the view outside the window that Bucky always stares out of.

Steve doesn’t know what to think about that, but it is kind of sad. That window has been most of Bucky’s world for months. Steve drew him away from it when they were inpatient together, but since he’s been gone, Bucky’s gone right back to spending the day staring out the window. Is this the only pleasant thing that Bucky can think to draw?

He is drawn out of his thoughts by Bucky who makes a motion that he would like to look at Steve’s drawing. Steve hands it over and Bucky examines it. He spends a really long time inspecting it, and Steve wonders what he is looking for. Probably not art form. Is he seeing what Steve sees in him?

Bucky reaches into his pockets and pulls out a piece of paper. He unfolds it, and it turns out to be the first drawing that Steve did of Bucky. He puts the two drawings side-by-side and looks at them both.

“The new one’s much better,” Steve tells him. “It helps to have a live reference instead of doing it from memory.”

Bucky taps the old drawing, then pushes the new one away. Apparently Bucky disagrees.

“Can I see?” Steve asks. He takes both of the drawings and compares them. There is something in the eyes of the old portrait that is not in the new one. Steve looks Bucky straight in the eyes to compare. Technically, the new one is more accurate, but the old one captures something that is hard to put into words, something that is behind the eyes. “You have a good eye, Bucky,” he says as he returns the old drawing. “There is something better about that one.”

Bucky takes a long look at it, a faint smile appearing on his face. Bucky picks up a pencil and holds it to the bottom of the drawing. The bottom is labeled “Bucky” and it looks like he intends to write over it, but he just holds still for a moment. Eventually, he starts to write. He writes in cursive, around the label.

_James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes_

He hands the drawing back to Steve. He takes it in shock. “Is this your name?” Steve asks. Bucky slowly nods his head.

Steve can’t believe it. After all this time, years, Bucky has finally decided to share his name, and he shared it with him.

“Do you want me to tell Sam?” Steve asks. Bucky looks out the window for a few seconds, thinking, then turns back to Steve and nods his head.

“OK, I will,” Steve tells him. “Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it must have been hard.” Bucky looks nervous, but he gives Steve a small smile.

Steve is excited to tell Sam. Maybe Bucky has a family that will come for him. Bucky needs more people in his life that care about him. But something insidious also lurks in Steve’s heart. Maybe then Bucky won’t need him anymore.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm going to try some new things for a few chapters, starting with Bucky's POV. Hope you enjoy.

Bucky stares out the window. What does he see when he looks out that window? There’s a bush that blocks most of the view. Through the rest of the window he can see and lone tree in a courtyard and an ugly white block building beyond. The clouds, those are the best. They change while the rest stays the same. Sometimes white and puffy, sometime grey and looming, other times gone from view.

He has seen that view a thousand times, and he barely sees it anymore. What does he see when he looks out the window? His past, his present, his future? His thoughts are the same as the clouds, mostly dark and stormy, but sometimes the sun peaks through.

He remembers sunny days. He remembers being a teenager, when his biggest worry was whether he’d make the football team. Life was good, life was normal. Then everything changed.

Bucky shifts his eyes from the clouds to the tree in the courtyard. He doesn’t want to think about that, he can’t think about that. It would rip him apart and there would be nothing left of him.

But he’s going to have to face it. Sam tries to make him, but at least he doesn’t push too hard. Sam won’t always be around though. He’s given Sam his name, they’ll look for his family.

Bucky misses them, he misses them so much. But he’s so scared to see them again. He’s not the same person he was when they last saw him. What will they think of this shell of a man that is left of the bright cheerful boy they knew?

Bucky thinks of his mother. So strict when she needed to be, but so loving at other times. He wants to see his mother most of all. But he doesn’t want her to see him this way. He is afraid that it will break her heart. She’s already lost her son; there is no need to drag this poor facsimile in front of her.

Bucky’s thinks about all the times his mother comforted him. When he was in the hospital for appendicitis, his mother slept in an uncomfortable chair and never left his side. When he had a bad case of chicken pox, he mom stayed home from work to cook him chicken noodle soup and watch old movies to keep his mind off the itching. He wants nothing else but to be enveloped in her arms once more. Wouldn’t she be able to make him feel better? She always could before. Even though it seems an insurmountable task now, Bucky wants to believe it’s possible.

And Becca. His sister must be in her mid-twenties by now. She must have moved on with her life. Gotten a job, maybe married, possibly even had kids. He’s sure that wherever she ended up, she’s successful. She was always the smart one in the family. While Bucky was more concerned with sports and goofing off, she was excelling at school and doing Model UN. She doesn’t need him to interrupt the life she must have built up by now.

What will they do with him if they come? Will they take him out of the hospital? Bucky isn’t sure if he even wants that. He has been here too long. He is used to the people here. He knows all the therapists, doctors, and nurses. He knows every inch of the ward. He knows his window. What will he have if he leaves? He’ll be thrust into an unknown situation. He doesn’t know how he will handle that.

Will his family expect him to act like a normal person? He doesn’t know if he can do that. Scratch that, he knows he can’t do that. He’s had almost two years in the structured environment of the hospital to learn how to be a normal person again, and he hasn’t even come close. In a new situation, he’s going to flounder again.

He doesn’t want to do that to them. They won’t understand. They’ll be frustrated by him, and he’ll be frustrated by their lack of understanding. The happy family he remembers will be torn apart. That’s why he has put this off for so long.

And Steve. What will he do without Steve? Steve has been the one constant good thing about his stay in the hospital. He thought he’d never speak again until he met Steve. Then he just showed up one day and started talking to Bucky. He was so startled by it at first, but got used to it over time. Then little by little he came to enjoy the time spent with Steve.

Steve drew him away from the window, away from his dark thoughts. He brought him to a new place he hadn’t remember existing, a place of friendship. Bucky wouldn’t have thought it possible, then one day he just knew, he was Steve’s friend.

When Steve left, he assumed things would go back to the way they were. But Steve came back. Steve wanted to see him. He wasn’t just forced to choose Bucky out of limited options, he genuinely wanted to see Bucky. And Bucky wanted to see him.

So what will happen if they take him away? Will he see Steve again? He doesn’t want to go back to the way he was before he met Steve. He can’t.

“Bucky?” a nurse asks. He turns away from his window and breaks off his reverie. “We’ve found your family.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Becca Barnes POV. In this fic she is the older sister ~26/27.

Rebecca Barnes is nervous when she goes to see her brother. It’s been more than six years since she’s seen him. She had long ago accepted that he was likely dead. But now he’s here, her little brother Bucky has come back.

She knows he has been through a lot; she was horrified when she heard what had happened. She hasn’t gotten much information on his current state though. They say he’s mute and won’t allow anyone to touch him. That sounds the opposite of what her brother was like. He was always outgoing and quick to give someone a hug if they seemed like they needed it. She’s worried about what else has changed about her brother.

Rebecca walks into the common room where she was told Bucky currently was and scans the room. She doesn’t see him at first, but then spies him in the corner of the room, looking out a window. She is struck by how different he looks. She almost can’t believe he is the same person. His hair is long and tangled and covers most of his face. He used to always keep it short and well maintained. His face looks sad, and Rebecca thinks that is the most striking difference. Bucky used to be one of the most cheerful people she has ever known.

Bucky hasn’t yet noticed her as she stands there surveying him. She has to force herself to walk over to where he is sitting and face the man her brother is today.

“Bucky?” she calls when she gets closer. He turns from the window and looks to her direction. He gets up slowly from his seat but just stands there. His face is hard to read; scared, happy, sad? She can’t be sure. He certainly looks as nervous as she feels.

But joy floods her when she sees him. Her baby brother, alive, standing in front of her. She forgets herself for a moment and goes to give him a hug. He recoils so hard he almost trips over the chair behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Rebecca tells him hurriedly, “I forgot. They told me you don’t like to be touched.” Bucky just stands there, not acknowledging what she said. His face is definitely registering fear now. She hates that he would look at her like that. She would never hurt him on purpose. “I promise I won’t do it again.”

Bucky sits down so that the table is between them. Rebecca sits down opposite him and tries to keep her hands to herself. She still wants to reach out and comfort her brother, but she sees now that will do more harm than good.

“I missed you so much, Bucky,” Rebecca goes on. “We searched for you for so long. The police told us you were probably dead. We didn’t want to believe it. Mom and I never gave up hope you were still out there. I’m so glad you’re alive.”

Bucky doesn’t quite meet her eyes as she says all this. He’s listening, she’s sure of that, but he’s shy in a way he never was before. She’s going to have to get used to the way Bucky is now.

“I went to law school, can you believe that?” Bucky doesn’t indicate whether he believes it or not, or if he even cares. “I’m a patent lawyer for a pharmaceutical company.” She thought Bucky would want to know, but suddenly she thinks that’s a bad idea. It might remind him of everything he hasn’t had in the last 6 years: graduating High School, college, getting a job. He hasn’t had the opportunity to have any of these things that he would have had if his life had been normal.

These thoughts aren’t helping her connect with her brother. Finally, she can’t put it off any longer. She has to tell him the bad news.

“Bucky, can you look at me.” He does but shyly. “I have you tell you… Mom…” she takes a deep breath, “She died. Three years ago in a car accident.”

Bucky’s face crumples and tears come to his eyes. He makes a pained noise in the back of his throat. He quickly covers his mouth as if he needed to keep the sounds from escaping. With his other arm, he hugs himself. His head dips to the table and he sobs.

“Bucky, I’m so sorry,” Rebecca tells him. She has to be loud to get through the sounds of her brother crying. The orderlies are looking in their direction and she doesn’t want them to come over. This is something that needs to be resolved between her and her brother.

“I want you to know that she loved you. She never stopped thinking about you.” This makes Bucky cry even harder. She knows he needs to lets it all out, but she also doesn’t want to make a scene. She has to calm him down. That’s going to be hard because she is starting to cry as well. “It was quick in the end. She died on impact. She didn’t suffer at all.

“I know she’d be here if she could. You probably wouldn’t be able to stop her from hugging you. You know the bear hugs she used to give that would almost squish you to death.” Bucky’s sobs start to grow quieter. They are mostly muffled now by the hand he’s got on his mouth.

“I’m sorry little bro, I’m the only family you’ve got. I’ll try to do as good a job as mom.”

Bucky stops sobbing long enough to look up a Rebecca. He looks her straight in the eyes and nods.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A computer error wiped out half this chapter, so I had to hurriedly rewrite it. Hope it's still ok. Feel free to point out any errors.

Steve goes to visit Bucky for the first time since he gave him his full name. He had gone straight to Sam with the information, hoping that they could find Bucky’s family. Sam had said they could search the missing persons record to find who he was. Steve hasn’t heard whether it worked or not.

Bucky, as usual, is at his window. Steve doesn’t like the look of him from across the room. He’s drawn in on himself in a way Steve hasn’t seen in months. He doesn’t notice Steve as he approaches, just continues to stare out the window. As Steve gets closer, he can see that there are tears on Bucky’s cheeks.

“Buck?” Steve asks. Bucky turns to look at Steve and acknowledges his presence, but he doesn’t stop crying or move to wipe away his tears. Steve sits down at the table across from him. “What’s wrong?”

Bucky crumples at the question and sobs harder. Steve is so startled. Bucky has cried a lot in his presence, but he usually tried to do it quietly, not making a scene, making sure the staff don’t notice enough to bug him. But this time he’s not crying quietly. He is sobbing openly, large blobs of snot coming out his nose, sounds of anguish coming from his mouth. He falls forward and lays his head on the table and continues. Steve doesn’t know what to do other than grab a tissue box and hand one to Bucky.

The nurses have definitely caught sight of them now and one of them is making her way over to where Bucky and Steve are sitting. She looks like she isn’t surprised, which makes Steve wonder if Bucky has been doing this for a while. The nurse crouches down in front of Bucky and waits patiently for him to register her appearance. He looks up and tries to reign in his sob. He grabs the tissues that Steve is still offering and cleans himself up, though tears continue to fall that he can’t control.

“Would you like to go see Sam?” the nurse asks him. Bucky nods and gets up to follow her. Steve doesn’t know what to do. He guesses this visit is over. Then Bucky turns back to him and holds out his hand. Steve slowly holds out his hand too, but lets Bucky take the last step to claps their hands together. He does and gives Steve’s hand a tug to indicate that he should come with them. The nurse gives them a look, but does nothing to stop Steve from coming with them.

They arrive at Sam’s office, and the nurse knocks on the door. Bucky’s sobs are intermittent now. He seems to have a bit more control over himself than he did a few minutes ago.

After Sam calls them in, the nurse opens the door to admit them both. Sam is sitting at his desk on the opposite side of the room. He seems surprised to see Steve, but does nothing to make him leave.

“Still having a rough time, Bucky?” Sam asks. Bucky nods and lets out another sob. Sam turns to Steve, but still talks to Bucky. “You know I can’t talk about any of this in front of Steve unless you sign a release form.” Bucky picks up a pen on the desk. “Ok, Bucky, if that’s what you want.” Sam gets up and rummages through some folders to find a form. He fills it out for Bucky, then gives it to him to sign. Bucky scrawls on the signature line: James Buchanan Barnes.

“OK, what do you want me to tell him? What’s been going on the last few days?” Bucky nods. “All of it?” Bucky nods again.

Steve finally pipes up. “Why is he crying? Did something happen? Did you find his family?”

Sam holds up his hand to stop Steve from going on. “Yes, we did find his family. His sister Rebecca came yesterday to speak with Bucky. Apparently she had some bad news.” Bucky sobs harder and Sam pauses for a moment to look at him before he goes on. “Bucky’s mother passed away some years ago.”

Bucky’s crying get harder and Steve sits there in shock. “Oh my God, Bucky. I’m so sorry.” Steve waits for Bucky to look at him. “You know that I understand how hard it is to lose a parent.” Bucky nods. “This is going to be hard for a while, but you can get through it.” Bucky hesitates but slowly nods his head. It looks like he wants to believe, but Steve knows it can be hard at a time like this. “I’m sure she was a wonderful woman who loved you very much.” Bucky nods his head frantically. It’s obvious to Steve that he really cared about his mother, and he is taking her loss hard. It’s an awful burden to put on someone after everything else he’s been through.

Steve’s attention waivers as Sam talked Bucky down. He should be listening, since the advice Sam is giving would be helpful to Steve as well, but he is too lost in thought. Losing his mother on top of everything else Bucky has been through, Steve doesn’t know if he could get through that. He’ll have to make sure that Bucky knows that he is there for him and can lean on him during this time.

While he is zoning out, Bucky reaches over and grabs Steve’s hand. Steve rubs his thumb over Bucky’s hand, careful to move slowly so as to not spook Bucky. He seems to appreciate it, but his attention is mostly on Sam.

When Bucky has calmed down, he and Steve walk back to the entrance. Steve is still moving in shock, but Bucky stops him before he leaves by holding his hands out in front of him. Steve guesses Bucky wants him to wait. Bucky holds one hand out again and then leaves Steve to stand there wondering what this is about. Bucky comes back with a piece of paper and a pen. He scrawls a pound sign on the paper and hands it to Steve. It takes a moment for him to realize what Bucky wants.

“You want my phone number?” Steve asks. Bucky nods emphatically. Steve doesn’t know what a mute would do with a phone number. The phones in the hospital are all landlines, so Bucky won’t be texting him. Maybe he wants to give it to his sister. Who knows? He guesses he’ll just have to wait and see. He wants Bucky to have every opportunity to contact him.

Steve writes his number and hands it to Bucky. “There,” he says “You can call me anytime.” Bucky smiles at him. Steve wants to give him a hug after everything, but he knows it is not something he can initiate with Bucky, so he lets it go and leaves.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

Sam hates having to deal with family, especially family that thinks they know better than he does about his patients. But Bucky signed the release forms, so here he is talking to his sister about his treatment.

Becca Barnes, an interesting character. Her face is strict but there is something behind the eyes that shows a vulnerability. Her long hair is tied up in a bun, but Sam can imagine her hair would make her look kinder if she let it down. Sam would diagnose her with being-a-lawyer syndrome, but knowing her background, he knows there is much more to it. Losing her brother at such a young age would have been hard on her. She would have been in college at the time, missing her family already, then suddenly informed of her brother’s disappearance. Add to that the sudden loss of her mother three years later, you get the woman standing in front of him. Someone who had to become the head of the family quiet abruptly and at a young age. Her law school training would have helped her get through it. But she would have suppressed her emotions back then, and never found the time to properly grieve later.

So here she is, well meaning, but completely misguided, trying to tell Sam what he should do concerning her brother.

“He should be with family,” Rebecca says.

“I really don’t think that moving him at this time is a good idea. The structured environment of the hospital is better for his recovery. If you pull him out now…”

“Bullshit,” she interrupts. “Bucky’s been in your structured environment for a year and a half. Obviously it is not working. How long would you keep him here if I didn’t come to bring him home? It made more sense when he didn’t have a place to go, but now that I’m here, he should come home with me.”

Sam did not agree and didn’t want to back down so easily. “You should at least wait until he is more stable. The loss of his mother...”

“Is the exact reason he should be with family,” Rebecca tells him. “When I lost her, I would have done anything to be with family to get through it, but I was alone. Don’t make my brother go through the same thing.”

“I hardly think your situations are the same,” Sam says. “And he has family. You’re here now.”

“And I live and work three hours away. I can’t be here everyday.”

“Visiting hours are only three times a week,” Sam informs her.

“See,” Rebecca states. “Even if I could get here, you wouldn’t let me see my brother.”

“And what about your job,” Sam points out. “I hear you work long hours. How much would you be seeing your brother anyways? Would you be able to give Bucky the attention he needs?”

“I’m taking a leave of absence from work for awhile,” Rebecca says. “After that, my boyfriend can look in on Bucky when I’m a work. He has flexible hours and can work from home. I can even work from home one day a week.” Rebecca finally sits down in front of Sam. She looks right at him when she continues. “It will work out. I’ll make it work out.”

Sam returns her gaze and doesn’t back down. “I’m glad you are thinking about how to make this work. But allow me to voice my concerns on the issue.” Rebecca nods, urging Sam to get on with it.

“Bucky’s condition is very unstable. He has recently made great strides in a short amount of time. I fear that pulling him out of the stable environment he has built here would make him regress, much further than I think you would be able to handle.

“Bucky didn’t give us his name for this long for a reason. He’s scared. Let him stay in the hospital while he gets used to the fact that he’s back with family. He needs to know that you are understanding before you pull his whole world out from under him.

“Additionally, Bucky’s progress will be slowed if he has to build trust with another therapist. It’s taken months to forge the relationship I have with Bucky, and he’ll have to start over with someone he doesn’t know. If you want him to improve, taking him away now is the last thing you should do.”

Rebecca shifts in her chair as she waits for Sam to be done. “Thank you for laying that all out for me. I understand your concerns, and many are valid points. But for me one thing trumps all others. You have kept him in this hospital for far too long and he deserves to be free.”

“It’s not about deserving freedom…” Sam begins.

“My brother is more deserving than anyone. He has been held captive by a madman, then continued to be a prisoner of the government. I will not allow this to continue.”

Sam raises his voice. “No wait a moment. He is not a prisoner here. He is here for his own benefit and he is here of his own free will. We periodically have him sign forms stating he agrees to further treatment.”

Rebecca scoff, “And how sure are you that he understood what he was signing. I’m not even sure it’s legal if he doesn’t sign his real name.”

“Oh it’s legal, we’ve done it with other patients who have memory problems or can’t read or write. So if you want to take Bucky home, you are going to have to convince him, not me. I won’t sign off on it.”

“You won’t have to,” Rebecca states. “I have obtained power of attorney over my brother, so I can act in his name. I can sign his release papers.”

Shit. He was afraid she was going to do that. Damn lawyers. He hates people who think that his patients can’t act on the own accord in legal matters.

Rebecca continues. “Therefore, the only thing you can do to stop me is to declare that Bucky is a danger to himself or others. Is that the case?”

Sam would love to lie right now to keep Bucky here, but his professional pride won’t let him. There are a handful of small incidents that Sam could use as evidence of aggression, but he believes they are mostly all self-defensive. He can’t put in Bucky’s file that he’s a danger to others.

“No,” he says with resignation. “I don’t believe he’s a danger to himself or others.” Rebecca smiles. She knows she’s won. “But that could change. If you remove him and he regresses far enough, I would be worried about his safety.”

“Has he ever been suicidal?” Rebecca asks.

“No,” he replies, “But I would be worried he would do something stupid without thinking it through. He wandered around in a daze for the first month he was here and he can be unpredictable after a nightmare.”

Rebecca stands up. “I’ve listened to your concerns and I will have to disagree. I think Bucky will be better off with me at home.”

Sam sighs. There is nothing he can do about it if she has made up her mind. “Fine,” he says, “But a least let me coordinate with his new doctors and therapists. I have a lot of valuable information that can help them.”

“Deal,” Rebecca agrees.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year Everyone!
> 
> Last chapter I was not expecting the visceral reactions I got concerning Becca Barnes.   
> It's also been made clear to me that I don't understand the legality of these matters. That's true, but let us just all pretend it works this way.

Steve is on his way home from outpatient therapy when he gets a phone call. He doesn’t recognize the number and almost doesn’t answer it. When he does, the street is too busy to hear anything.

“Hello?” he calls loudly into the phone. “I can’t hear you, it’s too loud on my end. Could you call back in 5 minutes?” Still he hears nothing so he hangs up and high tails it to his apartment where it will be quieter. Exactly five minutes after the first call, Steve’s phone rings again.

In the quiet of Steve’s apartment, he answers the phone. “Hello?” No response. There doesn’t seem to be anyone on the other end of the line. Is this a prank call?

Steve turns up the volume on his phone and puts it back next to his ear. “Is anyone there?” he asks.

“Steve?” someone whispers. Steve can’t hear the voice very well, but he immediately knows it is Bucky.

“Buck? Hey, how’s it going? Is there something you need from me?” There is still silence on the other end of the phone. “I’m coming tomorrow, I’m bringing Ticket to Ride, you’ll love it.” Still nothing

Steve has never wished for a video phone call before this moment, but he needs to see what Bucky looks like to know what’s going on in his head.

Soon he gets his answer though because Bucky starts sniffling and crying into the phone. “Bucky? Are you alright?” he asks.

“Steve…” Bucky says a little louder and simultaneously starts crying a little harder.

“What’s going on?” he gets no response except crying. He needs to see Bucky right now. “Hold on Buck, I’m going to come down there. We can talk, alright?”

Steve is torn between staying on the line or getting to the hospital faster. He opts for speed, assures Bucky he’s coming, and hangs up the phone. He gets to the hospital half and hour later.

 

* * *

 

“Visiting hours are over,” an annoying secretary insists.

“Please,” Steve pleads, “My friend needs help. He called me.”

“The doctors here are fully capable of handling the patients,” she tells him.

“But he trusts me more than the doctors,” Steve says. “That’s why he called me. Please let me in.”

“It’s against policy.” This secretary is not going to yield.

“Please, at least call Sam, the therapist. He’ll understand.” The secretary sighs but does as he asked.

Soon Sam comes out to talk to him. Steve is so relieved.

“What is the problem Steve?” he asks.

“Bucky,” Steve replies. “He called me. He was really upset.”

“Sam rubs his hand over his face. “Steve,” he begins. “Bucky has been upset for days. That’s nothing new. You don’t have to come running over here in a panic. I know you care for Bucky, but you can come during visiting hours just like everyone else.”

“But he called me. That’s new. He had to speak. You know he doesn’t like that.”

“Wait a moment,” Sam says, alerted, “He spoke to you?”

_Damn_ , Steve thinks. He forgot that he had never mentioned the one word spoken by Bucky many weeks ago. He felt it was something Bucky wouldn’t want known.

“Just one word. He said my name,” Steve confesses.

“Has he done that before?” Sam asks. Steve suspects he can see right through him and already knows the answer to his question.

Steve hangs his head. “Yes,” he replies, “Once. After a nightmare.”

“Steve that’s a big breakthrough, you should…”

“Should have told you,” Steve interrupts. “I know, it just seemed private.” Steve thinks this conversation is going in the wrong direction and quickly steers it back. “Just tell me what is wrong with Bucky, please. He signed the release form. You can talk to me about him.”

Sam looks frustrated. Steve shouldn’t have pulled that card. “Just because I can talk to you, doesn’t mean I have to.”

Steve tries one more time. “Please.”

Sam relents. “You know his mother died.”

“Yes,” Steve responds. “But I don’t think it has to do with that. He’s been upset about that for a while, but this was something new, I know it. Otherwise he wouldn’t have called me.” Steve is just guessing, but he thinks he is close to the mark.

Sam pauses a moment before he goes on. “Bucky is being released,” he states.

That comes out of nowhere. It was the last thing that Steve would have expected. Released? After all this time, why now. Bucky has been making progress, but nothing so striking as to call for his release. Don’t they care about his treatment? Are they just kicking him out now because he has a place to go?

All these thoughts come out as just one word. “What?”

“His sister Rebecca is insisting on it. Bucky’s not taking it well.” Sam informs him.

Steve is still processing this for a minute before it sinks it. “Why wouldn’t she listen to what Bucky obviously wants?”

“She thinks that Bucky will come to see that it is better for him. It will just take some time to adjust.”

“And you think this is a good idea?” Steve asks incredulously.

“No,” Sam says, “But there’s nothing I can do about it. Rebecca Barnes has power of attorney and she’s using it. Bucky is upset, but he’s not doing anything to actively stop it. I don’t think he even made it clear to his sister that he didn’t want to go. Perhaps he agrees with her that it will be better once he settles down.”

Steve takes in a deep breath trying to process this. Could it be that Bucky needs to be with family right now? Steve could be thinking selfishly. He doesn’t want Bucky to go because then they wouldn’t see each other, at least not often. Steve just doesn’t want things to change. He doesn’t want to lose his new friend.

“Can I see Bucky?” Steve asks again quietly.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you,” Sam tells him, “But I’ll let Bucky know you came by.”

 


	33. Chapter 33

Steve gets to the hospital at the moment visiting hours start the next day. He needs to talk to Bucky to find out what happened yesterday.

Bucky seems fine when he spots him at his usual spot by the window. He’s not crying, he doesn’t look like he’s going to cry, he actually seems content.

“Bucky,” Steve calls to him. “How are you doing?” He sits down across from Bucky. Bucky looks at him and gives him a so-so shrug. “What happened yesterday?” Steve asks. “You seemed really upset.” Bucky looks out the window for a moment, then looks back and nods. “Is it because you are leaving?” Bucky nods again. “You seem much better now,” Steve says. Bucky shrugs again.

“I was worried about you,” Steve tells him. “I came right over.” Bucky bows his head. He mouths something that’s hard to see, but Steve thinks it forms the word “sorry.” “It’s OK Bucky, I don’t mind that you called me. You can call me anytime, remember that.” Bucky nods. “I just wish they had let me in.”

Steve seems to have brought the mood down. He needs to talk about cheerier things.

“Enough about all that, I brought Ticket to Ride. It’s a great game.” Bucky gives him a small smile, and Steve gets to work unloading the game’s contents. Soon it seems like everything is back to normal.

But Steve knows it’s not. Soon Bucky will be leaving. They won’t have their usual board game days. Bucky will be so far away, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to see him at all. Steve doesn’t even have a car. He is so worried that this is the end of his friendship with Bucky. He can’t stand the idea. He’s grown so close to Bucky, and in return Bucky has opened up to him. Save Nat, this is the best friendship he has ever known. He can’t just let it go now.

He’ll just have to find a way to make it work.

In the middle of their game a woman Steve has never seen walks straight over to him and hovers over the table. Steve looks up at her. She seems very annoyed. “Can I help you?” he asks her.

“Yes, I’d like to know who the hell you are,” she says.

“Excuse me?” Steve says, quite offended. Who does this woman think she is to speak to him that way?

Bucky clears his throat. He points to Steve and says one word, very quietly. “Steve.”

They both look at Bucky astounded. The woman looks like she has never heard him say a word and is extremely surprised. Steve is not used to Bucky using his one word vocabulary so openly in front of people.

It seems that Bucky is not done though. He points to the woman. “Becca,” he says, like it is perfectly normal that he is doing the introductions.

Becca… Rebecca Barnes. This woman is Bucky’s sister.

Steve stands up and faces Becca. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize who you were,” he tells her. He puts his hand out in greeting. “It’s nice to meet you.” She takes his hand and shakes it.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” she says. “I just saw this strange person talking to my brother. I went into protective big sister mode. Though I’m still not sure who you are, but you obviously know Bucky.” Bucky nods and they both stare at him again.

“I’m Steve, I’m his friend.”

“His friend?” she says. “I got the impression he didn’t get out much.”

This is the difficult part. Steve’s going to have to explain that he was a patient at the hospital. Will she trust him with her brother after that?

“I met Bucky here,” he says. He takes a deep breath. “When I was a patient. We became good friends during that time. I’ve been visiting Bucky ever since.”

“I’m glad that he has had someone to spend time with,” she says. Steve’s not sure how much she really means that. He’s sure she doesn’t want her brother to be alone, but a mental patient may not be the best choice. Steve wonders who Bucky’ll have as a friend when he goes away.

“Um, Becca,” Steve starts. “Ms. Barnes… I heard you were going to take Bucky out of the hospital.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“Um…” Steve is nervous in confronting her, but he has to say this. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“Are you saying my brother should be locked away here without his family?”

“No, no,” Steve assures her. “I mean, yes, I think he should be here. He’s getting good care from the staff here. I was really helped by my time in the hospital. Bucky has been making a lot of progress lately, and I think he shouldn’t be moved right now.”

Bucky is hanging his head, but he doesn’t say or do anything to communicate what’s on his mind.

“I appreciate that you seem to care about Bucky’s wellbeing, but he should be with family. We can take care of him. He’ll be all right.”

“Isn’t it up to Bucky?” Steve asks hopefully. He turns to Bucky asking for an answer. Bucky looks up to meet both their eyes.

“Do you want to come with me?” Becca asks. Bucky looks back and forth between her and Steve, but doesn’t do anything for a while. Eventually, he slowly nods his head.

Steve sighs. If Bucky wants to leave with his sister, there is nothing he can do about it. But it’s still nagging him how upset he seemed on the phone yesterday. Perhaps he was just scared of change but now he’s prepared to face it.

“Can I visit?” Steve asks. He has no idea how he would get there, but he’ll find a way. Borrow a car off someone. Tony’s got extras he hears.

“We’ll see,” is her only response.


	34. Chapter 34

Bucky watches the trees go by as the car moves along. It’s been a long time since he’s been out of the hospital, since he’s seen any view other than the one at his window. He is taking it all in. It’s a little overwhelming, but not too much. Bucky thinks he can handle it.

He’s going home with his sister. Right next to him driving the car is his big sister, Becca. He hasn’t seen her in so long. She’s changed. She’s adopted many of their mother’s stricter qualities. She’s not as quick to laugh anymore. But he supposes with him there isn’t much to laugh about. He’s disrupting her life. He appreciates that she is willing to take time off of work to look after him, but Bucky doesn’t want to be treated like some invalid that can’t take care of himself. He knows he needs looking after, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it.

“Just one more hour then we’ll be home,” Becca tells him. His stomach clenches. He is so nervous about what it’ll be like. Becca calls it home, but can it be his home? Home is his mother’s house that Becca sold years ago. He wants to be able to call her house his home, but he doesn’t know if he can, at least not at first.

When they arrive, Bucky stays in the car while Becca grabs everything she needs from the car. “Come on, Bucky,” she says holding the car door open. He tentatively  steps out of the car and slowly follows Becca into the house.

The place is huge, much bigger than he expected. He supposes houses are cheaper farther from the city, and being a lawyer must pay well.

Becca shows him around the house. He almost isn’t paying attention to any of it. It’s all so new. He’s gotten so used to the hospital that he’s nervous to be anywhere else. Here it’s room after room, empty. No patients, no staff. Anything could be lurking in the corners, and who would help him? He holds himself a little closer as the tour continues.

Becca ends the tour in a bedroom on the third floor. “This is your room,” she says. “My room is just down the hall if you need anything. Anytime day or night, you can come get me.” Bucky doesn’t respond. What is there to say? That his dreams will fetch her before he comes to get her? That he’s still too shy around her to ask for anything?

“How about I leave you alone to settle in,” she says. She shuffles awkwardly waiting for a response that Bucky doesn’t give her. He simultaneously wants to be alone and doesn’t want to be alone. He’s exhausted from trying to be normal in front of Becca and just wants to decompress. But this is a strange place and he doesn’t know if he can relax here.

He wishes he were more comfortable around his sister. They used to be the best of friends growing up. Now he can’t say a word, and it makes their interactions very awkward and uncomfortable.

He finds himself wishing he were elsewhere, with someone he could talk to. Someone like Steve. Steve is easy to converse with, even if he doesn’t say anything. Steve makes it easy. He can read Bucky’s facial expressions and doesn’t pressure him to talk.

But Bucky thinks back to when he first met Steve. He was just as nervous around him as he currently is with Becca. Things got easier over time. That’s why he agreed to go with Becca. He was very nervous about it at the time, but he thinks that, given a chance, things could work out.

Right now though, things aren’t good. Bucky is so nervous he feels like he is going to jump out of his skin. This room that is supposed to be his is foreign to him and it makes him uncomfortable. He searches every corner of the room. He has to know everything that’s here. There’s too much junk, like the room was used for storage until recently. There are boxes in the closet and too many pillows on the bed. He throws all the pillows save one into the closet and slams the door closed. He moves the bed to the corner of the room. He gets on it and sits in that corner so he can see the whole room, including a good view of the door.

He pulls out a scrap of paper he’s been holding in his pocket. It’s got Steve’s number scrawled across it. He wants to call him, but what would he say? For all that he pretends he can communicate now, he still can’t say more than a word or two aloud. Steve doesn’t seem to mind carrying the majority of the conversation himself, but with Becca things are strained. As much as he loves his sister, right now he wants to be back in the hospital, where it was safe.

But things keep changing on him without him having a say. Steve suddenly came into his life, and then he left the hospital, now Becca has come back, but she has brought him out of him comfort zone. He agreed to go with her. He knows that change will happen whether he wants it to or not. In this case it may be a good thing, like it was when Steve came to the hospital. He wants to believe that it will turn out just as well, but he can’t help but be scared.

He turns the piece of paper over in his hands. He has memorized the number and doesn’t need the paper anymore, but he likes the weight of it in his hand, to remember it is real. He’s itching to call Steve, but he doesn’t know where the phone is and he’s not ready to venture into the rest of the house alone. Perhaps later, Becca will let him call.


	35. Chapter 35

“You seem preoccupied, Steve,” Wanda tells him after one of their sessions.

“Wha..? Oh, yeah.” Steve says, trying to get his attention back to the here and now. “It’s my friend. I’m worried about him.”

“Is this the friend you met in inpatient?” she asks.

“Yup. He got released and I think it’s too soon.”

“If his doctors say…” Wanda starts.

“But they don’t. His sister pulled him out against doctor’s advice.”

“Did he agree to go?” Wanda asks.

“Well… yes, I suppose he did,” Steve relents. “But I still think that he would do better in the hospital.”

“Sometimes friends make decisions that we don’t agree with or we think aren’t right for them. Sometimes there is nothing we can do. Your friend has to live his own life, make his own decisions.”

“I just fear that his sister made his decision for him,” Steve says.

“Well there’s still nothing you can do about it, you should let it go,” Wanda tells him.

Steve sighs. “I guess.”

“That’s not all that’s bothering you, is it?” Wanda guesses.

“Yeah,” Steve says, “He’s gone to live really far away. I can’t help but think that I’ve lost a great friend and I’ll never have another like him.”

“Is he dead?” Wanda asks.

“What? No!”

“Then you haven’t lost him. A good friendship lasts forever.”

Phil walks over to them, having come back from an appointment with his doctor. “I have great news you guys!”

“Tell us,” Wanda says

“I’m being discharged today. Doc says I’m all patched up and ready to return to work.”

“That’s great news,” Steve tells him.

Wanda and Phil chat excitedly about his release while Steve stands a bit back from them. It is great news, but something in Steve is also sad about it. Phil has become his friend in the weeks they’ve been in group together. Steve will miss him when he’s gone. Losing Phil on top of losing Bucky, he’s not ready for this.

Phil notices that Steve has stopped contributing to the conversation. “What’s wrong Steve?” he asks.

“It’s nothing, I’m really happy for you,” Steve replies.

“He’s sad about another friend of his,” Wanda informs Phil. “He left the city and Steve thinks that means the friendship is over.”

“Hogwash,” Phil states. “If you’re good friends, distance doesn’t separate you.”

“That’s what I tried to tell him,” Wanda says.

“But we won’t see each other very often. And now you’re leaving too,” Steve does not want to break down and cry. He hasn’t done that in a while and doesn’t want to start up again.

“If you think that me leaving the program means we won’t see each other anymore, you are sorely mistaken,” Phil says. “We can still get together on weekends like we’ve been doing. That doesn’t have to change.”

“Really?” Steve says. He couldn’t hope that all the friendships made in therapy could last outside. But if Phil and Wanda are telling the truth, than that means Steve has successfully made good three friends in therapy. Why couldn’t he have done this before? What was missing then that he has now?

 

* * *

 

Steve gets a phone call from an unknown number later that night. He hopes with everything he’s got that it’s Bucky. He misses him so much.

“Hello,” he answers. No response. “Hello?” he tries again. Still nothing. He suspects that this means it is Bucky, but he was hoping for some response. Last time Bucky called, he was at least able to say Steve’s name.

“Bucky? Is that you?” After a few moments of silence, Steve hears a beep like someone pressed a number on the phone. Steve decides to take this as a yes, and assume it’s Bucky from now one. Who else would it be anyways?

“Bucky, It’s really nice to hear from you. I hope everything is going alright.” He pauses waiting to see if Bucky will answer him with another beep, but gets nothing.

“I’m doing fairly well,” he continues as if Bucky was keeping up the conversation. “My therapist in outpatient says I’m almost ready to leave. Maybe another week or so. Wanda says I look better, but I don’t know how she can tell. I don’t really feel any different. But if I look back to how I was a few months ago, I guess I’ve made a lot of progress. It’s just hard to see day by day.”

It’s a little unnerving for Steve to be talking into a silent telephone. It feels like he’s talking to himself. He’s had a lot of practice having one-sided conversations with Bucky, but normally he can see Bucky’s reaction. Now he’s got nothing to go on.

“I got a job too. Just one small commission, but it’s a place to start. It’s for the cover of a romance novel.” He laughs. “Can you just imagine it? A shirtless Fabio type caressing a fair maiden. It’s going to be terrible. Of course I’ll do my best job at it. I would never do anything less. But it’s just not my usual type of work. It’s not something I’d want to put in my portfolio.”

Steve takes a deep breath. It can take a lot out of him to talk so much with no response. “I also looked into becoming an art therapist. It was kind of disheartening. I’d have to go back to school, get a degree in Psychology. Then to get accredited, you have to have a master’s degree. And on top of all that, it doesn’t pay all that well, so it would take forever to pay off all those student loans. I’m not giving up on the idea yet. Let’s just say it’s a long-term goal.”

Steve stops talking for a minute. He has no idea if Bucky gives a shit about anything he’s saying. He really wishes he were talking to Bucky in person.

“I miss you Buck.”


	36. Chapter 36

"So Bucky, how are you settling in?" Becca's boyfriend, Mark, has come over to dinner. He insists on asking Bucky questions, and Bucky insists on not answering them. So far dinner has been very awkward. "Finding the house alright?" Bucky says nothing, just pushes his peas around on his plate.

Mark looks to Becca for help. She shrugs at him. Bucky knows that she has no idea what to do with him either.

"Why don't you tell Bucky about your day?" Becca suggests. Mark is glad for the change in topic and continues to drone on about this and that. Bucky has no idea what he is saying.

Bucky is sitting in his chair, silently trying not to freak out. Becca asked him if it would be OK for her boyfriend to come over, and he told her yes, but now he is regretting that decision. This is a stranger in the house he is trying to think of as home. How can it be home when strange people can enter at any time? He doesn't feel safe, but he doesn't know how to tell his sister this. He told her it was OK, he can't backtrack now.

Finally, he can’t take it anymore. He gets up and leaves the table. He goes up to the room that should be his, but still seem strange.

The answer to Mark's question is that Bucky is not settling in well. He can't get comfortable here. He thought he would enjoy the freedom of being outside the hospital, but he hasn't bothered to explore that freedom. He spends most of his time in his room. He just traded in the confinement of the hospital for the even smaller confinement of his room.

But he feels more comfortable in a small, defined space. He supposes he has developed some sort of agoraphobia since he hasn't really been outside much in the last six years or so.

That decides it for Bucky. He's going for a walk. He gathers his coat from the closet and goes downstairs. He can hear Becca and Mark still talking at the dinner table and he doesn't want to disturb them, so he goes out the back door.

The fresh air hits him at once. It is a windy day, so he huddles up in his coat before taking a step outside. There is a nice walking path in the woods right behind Becca's house.

It's autumn and the leaves are changing color. Bucky has always liked fall. It was the best time of year for looking out his window.

After an hour or so of walking around, the sun starts to set and the wind picks up. Bucky decides it is time to go inside.

He comes back in through the backdoor, which he had left unlocked. He doesn't bother to close it quietly this time, so Becca knows that he is back. That turns out to be a bad idea because she comes rushing over to him.

"Oh, my god, Bucky, where were you, we were so worried?"

We? Oh,right, Mark is here, he'd already forgotten. Wishful thinking he supposes. But Mark makes his presence known by coming up behind Becca.

"You shouldn't worry you sister so much," he says to Bucky.

"Don't just wander off, OK? Please tell me before you go anywhere. I've lost you before, I can't lose you again."

Bucky hangs his head. He guesses he should have thought of that. Becca cares for him, and she would be worried if he just vanished. He just hadn't wanted to bother her. He also hadn't meant to be gone so long, but he got caught up in the beauty of the autumn colors.

Becca takes a deep breath. "Sorry, I shouldn't freak out on you, Bucky. I just want to know your safe." And with that last sentence, she reaches out to pat Bucky's shoulder.

He reacts as if he'd been hit. He throws himself backwards and scrambles to the corner of the room. He holds his head in his hands and he can distantly hear screaming that he thinks might be his own. He rocks back and forth while the screaming turns to loud sobbing. He doesn't hear anything else for a long while. He holds his head in his hands so he can't see, but he keeps waiting for the moment when he'll be dragged up. He's been uncooperative, they'll hurt him. He doesn't want to see when the blow strikes.

When no one touches him for a while, his awareness starts to come back. He can hear voices now. It's Becca. Oh god, he's not there. He just freaked out in front of his sister for no reason. This makes him sob a little harder for a minute before he calms down. He can risk looking up now. He lifts he head up a little and sees Becca bent down looking at him with tears in her eyes.

"There you go little brother," she tells him. "You'll be alright."

"Becca?" he croaks between sobs.

"Yes Bucky, its me."

"Sorry," he says quietly and puts his head back down in his arms.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Bucky," Becca tells him. "I made a mistake, I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, still buried deep in his arms. He thought he'd been getting better with touch. He can touch Steve sometimes. But Becca had startled him and he reacted poorly.

"Come on Bucky. Can you get up?" Becca coaxes him. He's still shaking a bit, but he's willing to give it a try. When he gets back on his feet, Becca asks him "Do you want to lie down?" He nods. She knows he gets tired after incidents like these. She's had to deal with his nightmares, and she's getting better at it. She guides him upstairs to his room.

When he gets there she lets him lie down while she leaves the room for a minute. She comes back with a Valium and a glass of water. She sets it on the bedside table and he so he can take it if he wants to. He does and lies back down. He’s still crying, but not because he’s still panicking. He’s upset that he had a panic attack in front of his sister just because she touched him. They used to touch all the time. She must be upset that she can’t anymore.

She’s taking it well though. She crouches down so that she’s at eye level. “You just get some rest, you’ll feel better in a little while.” He nods, and she gets up to leave the room. She turns the light out as she goes and he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely love reading comments from you guys, so let me know what you think. Next time: Steve comes to visit!


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve comes to visit.

Steve is so excited. Becca called him and invited him to come over. Apparently Bucky was very insistent that she call a number on a piece of paper. She didn’t know until he answered whom she was calling. But she was great about it and invited him to come over. She said Bucky was by the phone and it made him really happy to hear.

They have an extra bedroom so he’s staying the night. He borrowed a car from Tony, carefully not explaining that he hasn’t driven a car in a while, and is now on the road to Becca’s place. The backseat is filled with just about every game he has. He even went out and bought Uno because he knows that Bucky loves it.

He pulls up to the house and is astounded. Do lawyers make that much money, or are big houses just cheaper out here? Steve has lived in NYC for all his life, so to see a house with this much space is just amazing.

Bucky greets him at the door with a big smile. He lets Steve in the house, but he notices that Bucky keeps a wide berth of him so there will be no way they would accidentally touch.

Becca comes into the foyer and greets him too. “Steve, how nice to see you.” Steve raises his eyebrows. He didn’t get that impression last time they met. “I think we got off on the wrong foot last time. I just want what’s best for my brother. It’s important for him to have friends.” She smiles at Bucky to let him know she’s not talking about him like he’s not there. “I’m really happy to have a friend of Bucky’s come over.” Bucky smiles back at her to let her know he appreciates it.

“Here, let me take your coat,” she says to Steve.

After she leaves, Steve turns to Bucky. “How have you been?” Bucky gives him the so-so sign. “Better or worse than the last time I saw you?” Bucky pauses for a second, then shrugs his shoulders.

Becca comes back and invites Steve to bring his stuff into the house. She gives him a basic tour of the place and shows him the guest bedroom where he will stay for the night.

“I brought a lot of games too, they’re still in the car.”

"That's great! Bucky and I always loved playing board games when we were kids."

It turns out though that Becca's and Steve's ideas of board games differed a lot. Steve brought over a whole array of modern adult board games, while Becca only had monopoly to offer.

Steve throws Becca a bone and agrees to play monopoly first. That game ends with Becca dominating the two of them. It could have dragged on forever, but they cut it off quickly once they saw that Becca and all her hotels were going to rule the board.

The next game they play is one of Steve's, Castle Panic. It's a co-op game where they have to work together to defeat the hoard of monsters from bringing down their castle. They succeed, but it's a close thing. By the end, Bucky is gesturing wildly trying to get them to do what they want. They all end up in a fit of giggles.

The giggles only continue as they move into the card game Fluxx. It's a wildly unpredictable game where the rules change constantly. Becca gets so flustered when she can't figure out what the rule of the moment is. That sets Bucky off the most and he cracks up so much his sides are splitting.

They take a break for dinner, delivery pizza so they can get back to gaming quickly. Steve looks at Bucky contemplatively during the meal. He thought that Bucky would be doing poorly, but on the contrary, he hasn't seen Bucky in this good a mood for a long time.

After dinner they let Bucky decide the game. His hand hovers over Uno for a minute before landing on Settlers of Catan, Steve's favorite game. Steve wonders if he even remembers the time they played that. Bucky had been so out of it that day. Steve is determined to make this experience go better.

That's not a hard thing to do because both Bucky and Becca take to the game quickly. Steve sets up the same trading scheme he had created for Bucky last time, where he points to the cards he wants to trade instead of speaking them. This time, Bucky actually uses them. He can be quite a stubborn trader it turns out. They play Catan into the night, each of them wanting a chance to win. Finally, when the hour gets too late, they pack up and head to bed.

Before he goes upstairs Becca motions Steve over to her. “Do you want something?” he asks curiously.

“I just wanted to thank you for coming all the way out here. I haven’t seen Bucky this happy since he came here.”

Steve was worried about that. How was Bucky doing when Steve wasn’t here? He was doing great all day, so Steve had supposed that things were going better than expected. Now he’s not so sure.

“I want you to know that you are welcome here anytime.” Steve looks at her with surprise. He shouldn’t be so surprised. Becca had changed since they were first introduced. Perhaps he had just caught her on a bad day. She seems much kinder here in her home. She’s let her hair down, literally and figuratively.

“Thanks,” he replies. “It’s hard for me to get out here, but I’ll come out as often as I can.”

“Can I ask,” she says, “Why are you doing this for Bucky?”

“What do you mean?” he responds.

“Just,” she seems to not know how to say what she’s asking. “He’s a handful. You don’t have any ties to him. What makes you come all the way out here to cheer him up?”

“Sorry, but I do have ties to him. He’s one of my best friends. And I’m not just here for Bucky, I came to cheer myself up too. I love spending time with him.”

She smiles at him, a small but genuine smile. “That’s good to hear.”


	38. Chapter 38

Rebecca goes to bed that night still thinking about Steve. He had a huge effect on Bucky’s mood, cheering him up substantially. That’s something she hasn’t been able to do, but this stranger can.

She needs to stop thinking of Steve as a stranger. Bucky obviously knows him well and trusts him. If he’s important to Bucky, he should be important to her. But she doesn’t know him, and he had worried her before. Today has done a lot to assuage her doubts about Steve. He seems like a kind person who genuinely cares about Bucky. She supposes she is just jealous at how close they seem to be when she is struggling to connect with her own brother. She feels that Steve knows Bucky better than she does, and its probably true. Bucky has changed so much, she doesn’t think she knows him very well at all anymore.

Suddenly she hears screaming from Bucky's room. A nightmare, a bad one. She had hoped that he wouldn't get one tonight after being in such a good mood all day. Guess she was wrong.

She hurries to Bucky's room. She finds him thrashing and trying to kick off his blankets. She grabs the blankets while being careful not to touch Bucky and throws them to the floor. He still keeps kicking a thrashing.

"Bucky! Wake up!" she yells at him. He does, but it's clear his isn't present in his mind yet. He's wide-eyed and frantic. It's almost as bad as the panic attack the other day. Rebecca isn't prepared for this right now.

She turns out not to be the only one who was woken by Bucky's screams. Steve comes to the door and tries to come in.

"You should stay there," she tells him. "He could lash out when he's like this"

"He's not violent," Steve informs her. "We shared a room at the hospital. I know how to calm him down." Rebecca's not sure that she wants to trust this man with her brother, but if he is telling the truth, she could really use the help.

"OK, if you can help him."

Steve doesn't stop to let her finish before he dashes into the room. He kneels down in front of Bucky next to the bed.

"Bucky?" Steve says. "Can you look at me? You're safe, OK? It's just me Steve, and your sister Becca. You're in a safe place." Bucky's shaking subsides a little, but his eyes are still wide and unfocused. "Can you look at me?" Steve tries again. Bucky shifts his gaze towards Steve, but his eyes are still unseeing. "It's me Steve, remember. You're safe here."

All of a sudden, Bucky moves forward and Rebecca is certain he is going to attack Steve. But he doesn't. He grabs Steve into a crushing hug and doesn't let him go. Steve slowly moves his arms around Bucky and hugs him back. When he does, Bucky sticks his head in the crook of Steve's neck and cries harder. Rebecca recognizes this as the stage where he understands where he is, but starts crying harder anyways.

Rebecca is astounded by what she is seeing. Her brother, who shies away from all touch, is letting this strange man hold him when he is vulnerable. No, not strange, Rebecca has to keep reminding herself. No, the Bucky she now has in front of her is someone who knows this man better than he knows her. She is not the most important person in Bucky's life, Steve is.

That's hard for her to understand. She doesn't think about the time that Bucky spent at the hospital before they found her. To Rebecca, it seems like Bucky was just gone, then he was suddenly back. But she has been back in his life for a comparatively short time. Steve has been there for him. Bucky trusts him more than he trusts her.

Steve looks over his shoulder back to Rebecca. He looks a bit guilty. He knows how she feels right now. But neither of them should be worried about that right now. Now they should be focusing on Bucky.

Bucky's breathing evens out and he lets go of Steve. "You feeling better now?" Steve asks. Bucky nods his head. "Should I let you get some rest?" Bucky nods his head again. "OK, Buck, I'll see you in the morning," he says as he gets up to leave the room.

Rebecca turns to leave as well, but then she hears Bucky say one word. "Becca." She turns back to Bucky, still a little teary eyed, beckoning her over. He pats the bed next to him, signally that she should sit down.

She sits down gingerly, making sure not to touch him. He holds his hand out palm up. Rebecca has no idea what he wants of her. He withdraws just a bit, and then pushes his hand out again. Still she is confused. Bucky takes his hand away then points to her, then holds his hand out again.

He wants her to mimic him, so she does, slowly holding her hand out palm up. Bucky then holds his hand half a foot above hers, fingers reaching down.

"What are you...?" she starts to ask. He pulls his hand away and puts his finger to his lips, shushing her. She decides to let Buck do whatever it is he is doing without comment.

He goes back to holding his hand above hers. He inches closer, then pulls back. He repeats this for about five minutes. Then he succeeds in making contact. He holds her hand and smiles up at her.

Becca is beaming at him. She never thought that the simple act of holding her brother's hand could be so rewarding. She feels lighter than air, the happiest she has felt in way too long.

They sit there and hold hands without speaking a word.


	39. Chapter 39

“I’m discharging from outpatient on Friday,” Steve tells Nat when she comes home from work.

“That’s great news,” she says as he flops down next to him on the couch. Then she sees the look on Steve’s face. “Isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I’m just nervous about it. I don’t feel like I’m ready.” Steve nervously chews on his fingernails until Nat pulls his hand away from his mouth.

“Could you tell them that?” Nat asks. She knows that Steve sometimes has a hard time asserting himself and asking for what he wants. It can be her job to push him to ask for what he wants.

“I can and I did,” Steve tells her. “But the therapist said that I was just nervous about change. I actually agreed with her. I’m clinging to outpatient like a safety blanket. I did the same thing with inpatient. I didn’t feel ready to be released then either but I did just fine when I was. It’s time for me to leave the nest, step out of my comfort zone. It’s not going to be easy, but when is anything in life easy.”

“Wow, Steve, that was quiet the speech,” Nat tells him. “I’m proud of you. I know everything you’ve done recently as part of your recovery hasn’t been easy, but you’ve done an amazing job.”

“Have I?” he asks. He genuinely isn’t sure about that, no matter what his therapist says.

“Yes,” she replies. “I see the changes in you. You’re much more self-confident. Did you not just hear the assertive speech you just gave? And you’re making friends. You just seem happier.”

Steve considers all this. “You understand it’s hard for me to see, right?”

“No,” she responds, “I don’t understand. You should be able to see how much happier you are. I don’t see how you don’t.”

“It’s just…” How can he explain it? Nat doesn’t seem to understand. “It’s hard to see the progress day by day. If I look really far back, then yeah, I can see that I feel better now. But if I look even farther back, I remember a time when I was actually happy. I don’t feel like I’ve gotten there yet. I still have all the same thoughts and feelings that I had when I went into the hospital. The only difference is that I also have been having positive experiences too. But they don’t make the bad stuff go away.”

“Oh, Steve,” Nat sighs, “Do you really still feel that bad?”

Steve doesn’t want her to think it’s like that. He needs to figure out how to properly put this into words.

“Like I said, all my negative thoughts are still there. I’m working to combat them, but it is still really difficult for me. It’s not really about feeling bad or good. Ugh, I can’t really explain it.” Steve gets really frustrated. He doesn’t know how to put his feelings into words. “There’s just a general sense of malaise. It’s like I haven’t had a lot of practice being happy recently, so I’m not good at it.”

“I noticed you were happy when you came back from visiting your friend Bucky.” She gives him a sly smile.

Steve rests his head against the back of the couch. “Not this again.” She is never going to let this go.

“You know I’m right,” Nat insists. “You are head over heels for that boy.”

“Maybe,” Steve relents a little bit. “But what does it matter anyways. Bucky can barely even touch me, and given his past, I don’t see him getting into a relationship anytime soon.”

“You never know what might happen,” Nat tells him. “You never did tell me what his problem is.”

“Not my story to tell.”

“Sure, Mr. Professional. Let me ask one question though. Do you really think he wouldn’t be able to form a relationship?”

“Nothing beyond friendship,” Steve tells her. “At least not for a long, long while.”

“And you wouldn’t wait for him?” Nat asks.

“It’s not about that. It’s not like I’ve got guys and girls lining up to date me. I could wait an eternity with my dating habits. But I just don’t want to even think about pushing him before he’s ready. I would never want to bring this topic up with him. I think it would scare him away.”

“OK, no dating Bucky. Are you up for dating anyone else? Remember Sharon? She’s still interested.

“Oh god no,” Steve responds.

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with Sharon.”

“I didn’t mean it that way. I’m sure she’s lovely. I just meant dating in general.”

“So now you’re changing tunes and saying that you are incapable of dating, not just Bucky?”

Steve sighs. “I can’t do dating. I’m 24 and I never learned how to date.”

“What’s wrong with dating?” Nat asks, genuinely curious.

“It’s scary.”

Nat laughs at him. “And you never do anything that’s scary?”

“Not if it involves social interaction. I suck at that.” Steve tells her.

“Steve,” she warns. “I think that’s a negative cognitive distortion.”

“Damn. I’ve got you speaking like my therapist.” He had practiced his homework exercises on cognitive distortions with her, so she’s well informed. He knows he’s overgeneralizing, he doesn’t need to be reminded. “But I do suck at it. That’s a big part of the problem.”

“Steve, say something nice about yourself right now.”

That was his homework last week. He really shouldn’t have shared all this with Nat. Or maybe that’s exactly what he should have done because she’s helping him.

“I’m kindhearted, a good friend, and a good artist,” he lists off.

“And?” Nat asks.

“I don’t suck at social interactions.”

“That’s better. Now about dating…”


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: panic attack described in Bucky's POV.

NO! He’s here, he’s got him. Bucky kicks and thrashes trying to get him off. Please NO! Bucky releases a strangled scream as he tries to pull himself away from his attacker.

The lights come on, there are more voices. One of them is calling his name. “Bucky, wake up!” No, he’s not asleep. Just because this is a nightmare doesn’t make it a dream. If only it were just a bad dream. But he can’t think that way, he needs to fight.

He tries pushing off the heavy weight of the man on top of him. Suddenly the weight seems feather light, yet wrapped around him like a blanket. He pushes it off anyway. The man has disappeared, but he’s probably around here somewhere.  

The new voices haven’t gone away. “He won’t wake up, I don’t know what to do.”

“Here let me.” Suddenly the man is back. Bucky can smell him even if he can see him. He struggles to get away before the man grabs him. But it’s too late. The man grabs him by both wrists and drags him up. He opens his eyes and looks at the man who is holding him. He looks different, but it’s got to be same man. There’s no one else here but Bucky and that man.

He gets shaken a little by the new man, bringing his attention back to the situation he’s in. He screams and pulls, trying to get out of his grip.

“Stop,” the first voice yells. “You’re making it worse. Put him down.”

“You just need to be firm with him,” the man says, not releasing his grip one bit.

“Get your fucking hands off my brother!” the first voice says firmly. Bucky would be scared of the voice if he weren’t already terrified of the man holding him. But the man does as the voice requests and lets him go. Bucky scrambles away from him as far as he can go until he hits a wall. He hides his head in his hands, hoping the man will just go away, knowing he probably won’t.

Amazingly though, he does. Bucky can hear the man retreat. He exchanges a few muttered words with the other voice and then completely leaves. Is he safe for now? Is it safe to look up and check? No. Better to stay where he is.

“Bucky?” a kind voice asks. “It’s OK now. You’re safe.” Bucky dares to look up to see who this person is. He opens his eyes and can’t believe what he’s seeing. It must be a dream. The person staring at him with worry in her eyes is his sister, Becca. That can’t be…

It all comes crashing down at once. He realizes where he is. He’s at Becca’s house, he just had a nightmare. This only makes him cry harder. He hides his head again, this time so that Becca won’t have to see him like this.

He feels the bed dip as Becca sits down on the other end of it. He wants to be able to go to her for comfort like he did when he was a child. But he can’t bring himself to do it anymore. He can’t go over to her like he once would have.

She doesn’t make any move to come closer. She’s learned to keep her distance after particularly bad nightmares. “You know where you are now?” He nods his head from where it still is tucked under his arms. “You know that you are safe?” He nods again. “Do you want me to stay?” He cries harder but he has to be honest. He can stand for her to be here right now. He wants to be alone. He shakes his head. “Alright. I’ll be downstairs in the kitchen if you need me, OK?” He nods.

He waits for her to leave completely before he uncurls himself. He finds a box of tissues and works on cleaning up his face. His hands are still shaking a bit, but he’s mostly back to himself.

He looks at his wrists. They are still red from his struggling. Someone definitely grabbed him, he wasn’t imagining that. It wasn’t Becca. Was it Mark? He tries to recall if he was spending the night or not, but he can’t remember. He probably wasn’t really listening anyway.

He doesn’t want Mark to be around the next time he has a nightmare. He’ll have to find a way to tell Becca that. He resolves to try to do it now, before he loses his nerve. He slowly heads downstairs on still shaking legs and heads for the kitchen.

He stops before he gets there because he hears voices. Becca and Mark must be talking. He inches forward slowly so they don’t hear him. He knows they must be talking about him, and he wants to know what they are saying.

“He’s too much for you to handle, and you know it,” Mark is telling Becca.

“It’s more difficult than I imagined, but I can do it,” she responds. “Plus, he’s fine if you don’t grab him. I can’t believe you did that.”

“You asked me to help wake him up.”

“Not by grabbing him!” Becca exclaims. “That the absolute worst thing you could have done.”

“Well sorry, I don’t have a handbook on how to deal with crazy people,” Mark says.

“Don’t you dare call my brother crazy,” Becca warns.

“Fine, whatever you want. He’s not crazy. But he does belong in the hospital. You know that.”

“I don’t know that,” Becca says. “I don’t know where he would better off.”

“But you know you can’t handle him,” Mark tells her.

“God, I don’t know.” It sounds like she slumps forward onto the table. “I want him to be here with me, but I don’t know anymore if it’s the right place for him to be.”

“How ‘bout you ask him?”

Bucky takes that moment to step out into the kitchen. Both Mark and Becca jump a bit at the sight of him. They certainly weren’t expecting him to be listening to them.

Becca gets up from the table. “Mark, can you give us some time alone, please?”

Mark gets up too and heads upstairs. Becca gestures for Bucky to sit down across from her at the table. They both sit down, neither one knowing where to begin.

“You know I love you, right?” Becca starts. Bucky nods. Of course he does. “I just want what’s best for you. I thought that was being here, but now I’m not so certain.” She takes a deep breath before her next question. “Would you rather be back at the hospital?”

Bucky feels tears start to prickle in his eyes again. He wants to tell her that he’d rather be here with her, but he knows it’s not the truth. In the hospital he felt safer. He was making progress with Sam in therapy. He hasn’t opened up at all yet to the therapist he has out here, and he doesn’t imagine he will for a long time. He wants to tell her that he feels safest with his big sister around, but the truth is that he barely knows her anymore.

Finally, with tears breaking to fall down his cheeks, he slowly nods yes. Becca has tears of her own that fall now as she hangs her head. “I understand Bucky. I’ll make the arrangements in the morning. If and when you want to come back, I’ll be happy to have you anytime. But this time I want it to be completely your choice, OK?” He nods his head slowly. He knows he’s welcome. He knows she is not kicking him out. She asked him what he wanted, and that’s important to him.

“I just want whatever is best for you to get better,” she tells him.

 _I know,_ he wants to tell her, but he can’t get the words out.


	41. Chapter 41

Well that didn't take long, Sam thinks. Bucky is back at the hospital, having convinced his sister that he wanted to come back. At least he hopes that his how it happened. He doesn't want to entertain the thought that Becca is kicking him out of her house. She doesn't have the training to help Bucky. He hopes that she came to realize that and brought Bucky back so he could get better treatment.

This time, Sam is going to make sure that Bucky is 100% ready to leave the hospital before he lets him go again.

Rebecca and Bucky are sitting in his office filling out paperwork. Sam has been avoiding going back in. This is going to be a hard session. He needs to make sure that there is no bad blood between Bucky and his sister before she leaves him here. Depending on the situation, that could be difficult. Sam steels himself and goes back in.

"How's it going Bucky?" he asks as his starting point. Bucky just shrugs and looks away. Not a great first sign.

Becca looks up from her paperwork and looks at Bucky. She must have seen his response out of the corner of her eye. "Do you not feel good about this?" she asks. "We don't have to do this you know." Bucky looks down at the floor. "I'm serious Bucky. I want to make sure that this is your decision. You are absolutely welcome to come back home with me if you want to. So look me in the eye and tell me, do you want to stay at the hospital." Bucky looks up and stares straight into Becca's eyes like she asked. He nods once, very strongly.

Sam feels a great relief after hearing Becca say all this. His job is much easier now. Becca just made it clear to Bucky that she's not kicking him out, that he is welcome in her home. She also made it clear that this should be Bucky's decision to come back to the hospital.

"I'm still on a leave of absence from work, so I'll come visit you as often as I can." Bucky nods his understanding.

"So what prompted this decision to return to the hospital?" Sam asks.

Becca sighs. "I suppose I realized that I don't have the training to take care of Bucky. His nightmares seemed to be getting worse and I didn't know what to do about them. But it was ultimately Bucky's decision. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he agreed that he should come back here."

"Well I think it was a wise decision," Sam tells them. "Our staff is well trained to help Bucky."

"That's what I was hoping. I think I made the wrong decision pulling him out early. I didn't realize how much help he needed, and I'm ill equipped to help."

"Well, I'm sorry you two had to figure this out the hard way." Sam says. "But hopefully we'll get Bucky to a state in which he is ready to leave the hospital relatively soon."

"I'm happy to take him in whenever you and Bucky decide that he is ready," Becca says.

Sam almost can't believe that this is the same woman who demanded that she be allowed to take Bucky home. This meeting is going way better than he ever hoped.

"I'm sure Bucky appreciates that, don't you Bucky?" Bucky nods and gives his sister a small smile.

"Visiting hours aren't over for another hour, so you can stay until then and help Bucky settle back in. But first I'd like to talk to Bucky privately for a bit."

"Sure," Becca replies. "I have to finish this paperwork, so I'll just wait outside." She gets up to leaves, and makes sure to give Bucky a smile before she exits the room.

When she is gone, Sam turns to Bucky to ask him a question. "I want to make sure, was it your decision to return?" Bucky nods quickly up and down several times. "I just wanted to be sure. It's important that you make your own decisions." Bucky nods his understanding.

"How was your time while you were at Becca's place?" Bucky gives the so-so symbol with his hand. "Becca indicated that your nightmares were getting worse. Do you agree with that?" Bucky thinks about it for a few seconds, then nods his head slowly. "Do you think you know why?" Bucky shakes his head. He avoids eye contact with Sam after that question. Sam wonders if that means he is lying. He really should get better at detecting lies. It would be really helpful in his line of work.

"I want you to know that what your sister said is genuine, as far as I can tell. She didn't kick you out. She finally realized that she doesn't have the skills needed to help you. It takes years of training that your sister simply doesn't have. It was wise of her to realize her mistake and act on it. It shows me that your sister cares about you a great deal. Do you understand that?" Bucky nods yes, a glistening starting to form in his eyes.

“I also want you to know that you did nothing wrong. Do you get that?” Bucky’s tears start to fall and he shakes his head. Sam sighs. He had hoped that this meeting would continue to be easy, but this throws a new complication into the mix.

“You can’t control your nightmares. No one expects that of you. What you need is more therapy to help you combat your PTSD. You didn’t _do_ anything.” Bucky keeps crying softly and stares into his lap.

“Bucky look at me.” He does, reluctantly. “Normally this is when I would asks patients to repeat after me, but for you, can you repeat it in your head?” Bucky nods with a quizzical look on his face. “Say, I did nothing wrong.” Bucky bows his head. “Come on, Bucky, say it with me. I did nothing wrong.” Bucky closes his eyes and Sam hopes it is to concentrate on the mantra. “I did nothing wrong. Are you saying in with me in your head.” Bucky nods.  

“OK, now whenever you feel like it, you can go get settled in with your sister.”


	42. Chapter 42

"So, Nat tells me your boyfriend is back in town," Clint says one night he's over.

"I did not say boyfriend. For the record, I refrained from saying boyfriend," Nat calls to them from the kitchen.

Clint whispers, "She might as well have."

Steve groans. Clint has been over more and more lately. It seems like this fling between him and Nat is turning into something more. But Steve'd really rather Nat not tell Clint his business. At least not until he knows Clint better.

"Bucky," Steve informs Clint. "He's back, but I haven't talked to him yet.

"Why not?" Clint asks. "Don't they have phones at the hospital."

"He's mute!" Nat calls.

"What?" Clint asks. “Does he have hearing problems?"

"No," Steve replies. "He just has problems communicating. He speaks nonverbally, at least sometimes. But he has problems with the spoken word. I think it still scares him, for whatever reason."

"Hmm," Clint says, really thinking about what Steve had said. "That's interesting. You say he can communicate nonverbally with more ease?"

"Yes"

"Can you tell me what you mean by that?"

Steve looks at Clint suspiciously. He has no idea why Clint is suddenly interested in this. "Well, he nods his head yes and no. He uses facial expressions to communicate things like confusion or happiness. He'll gesture what he wants you to do. Why do you ask?"

"What, no reason." Clint smiles at him with a smile that seems to belie some mischievousness. "I was just thinking. If your friend is better with nonverbal communication, would he be better at sign language rather than the spoken word?"

Steve stops in his tracks. That's something he's never thought about. Bucky has gotten so much better at communicating recently, but he still struggles with speaking aloud. Steve doesn't think that he's heard Bucky string together more than two words a day. "He might," is all he says back to Clint. "Would that actually work, you think?" Steve asks.

"It depends on the reason that he doesn't talk. Does he not want to communicate at all, or is he just scared to speak?"

"I'm not really sure why he doesn't speak. From what I read in his files, it seems that he learned to be scared of speaking, but that after a while he should have been able to speak again but didn't. Sam's notes say that he thinks Bucky does it to avoid talking about his trauma."

"You read his file?" Clint asks. "Isn't that an invasion of privacy?"

"He stole the file and gave it to me. That's sort of another story."

"Well back to the issue at hand," Clint says. "You say he could speak if he wanted to?"

"I'm not really sure that's the truth," Steve tells him. "When he does want to speak, it looks like he has trouble getting the words out, like he doesn't know how."

"Then sign language could really help. It can be easier to sign something that is difficult to say. It would also help if he were physically unable to speak. That's why some parents teach their children to sign before they are able to speak properly."

"It seems worth a try." Steve admits.

Nat comes into the living room with a plateful of homemade pizza she has just removed from the oven. "What are we talking about?"

"Steve's going to teach Bucky sign language," Clint says confidently while grabbing for a piece of pizza.

"What?" Steve swivels his head around quickly. "When did we decide this?"

"Oh, Steve, that's a great idea," Nat says to him.

"Wasn't my idea. Wait, it is?"

"Yeah," Nat tells him. "Not only would that get him speaking to you, but it would prevent unwanted people from listening in. That should make him more confident when talking to you."

"Wow, I didn't think about it that way. It's starting to sound like a better idea."

Nat looks to Clint. "It was your idea, wasn't it honey?"

"Yup," Clint responds. "Aren't you proud of me? Comin' up with great ideas."

"Sure am." They say all this just to each others faces and then kiss after this last statement. Steve is secretly horrified that dating turns people into utter weirdos.

"There's only one problem," Steve interrupts "I don't know how to sign myself."

"Well that's the beauty of the plan," Clint explains. "You two learn together. You can learn at home, then go to visit your boy and teach him what you learned, thereby cementing what you learned in your own head."

"How do I learn at home?" Steve asks

"There's all sorts of resources on the web," Clint tells him. "You could watch youtube videos, take actual classes online, you name it."

"How much, if any, do you actually know?" Nat asks him.

Steve thinks about it. "I once had a deaf ropes course instructor."

"Random," Nat says, "But OK."

"It was when I was visiting some relatives in DC. We did a ropes course at Gallaudet. They taught us the alphabet in case lip reading didn't work. I think I can still do it."

He tries to repeat the whole alphabet in sign, and only flubs a handful of times. "Well, I can almost do it," he tells them.

"No, that's a great start," Clint says, "But your F needs to be more like this." He holds his thumb and index finger together while keeping his other three fingers up.

"You know how to sign?" Steve asks.

"Yes," Clint answers while bobbing a closed fist. He signs the rest of his sentence too. "I'm hard of hearing. I learned to sign as a backup to my hearing aids, which do a pretty good job."

"Then you can teach Steve," Nat says excitedly. Steve himself is not so excited to be spending that much time with Clint.

"Oh, no," Clint responds, much to Steve's delight. "I'm not qualified to teach anyone anything. Steve would ring my neck by day's end if he had to learn from me."


	43. Chapter 43

Steve goes to see Bucky for the first time since he came back to the hospital. He is excited about his sign language plan. He stayed up all night watching youtube videos trying to learn some of it himself. He's feeling the fatigue, but it is masked by his excitement. If Bucky could learn to sign, what would he say? It would be such a different experience to have a real conversation with Bucky. Not that Steve is complaining about how things work now, but he's interested to see how it would be different. But first things first, he needs to get Bucky sold on the idea of learning sign language.

Bucky is back in his usual place by his window. Steve thinks it is nice to see Bucky back here. It feels like everything is normal again.

"Hey, Bucky. It's nice to see you." Bucky smiles as a response. Steve sits down across the table from him. "I'm sorry you had to come back here, but I think it's probably best." Bucky nods his agreement. "Was it your idea?" Bucky nods several times, wanting to make this point clear. "That's good."

Steve takes a breath and switches topics. "I didn't bring a game today. I had another idea. Well technically it was Nat's boyfriend's idea but..." Steve is rambling. He doesn't know why he is nervous about bringing up this idea. "I thought we might learn sign language together." Steve bites his lip while he waits for a response. Bucky just looks confused.

"I was thinking, that since you can communicate nonverbally, like nodding your head, you might find it easier to talk using sign language than with words." Bucky ponders that, but Steve can't tell if he is receptive to the idea or not. "What do you say? Are you willing to give it a shot?" Bucky thinks about it for a few moments, then shrugs his shoulders and gives a small nod.

"Great. We can start with the alphabet." Bucky just gives him a quizzical look. Steve isn't sure that the idea is really taking traction in Bucky's mind.

"It starts with an A that looks like this." He makes a fist with his thumb pointed upwards. Bucky just stares at him for a moment, then lifts his hand to try to emulate what Steve was doing. "No," Steve says, "The thumb goes straight up." He wants to reach out and correct what Bucky is doing by hand, but he knows he cannot do that. So instead he just puts his hand closer to Bucky and spins it around so that Bucky can see better. Soon he gets a perfect A.

They go through the rest of the alphabet like this, making slow progress. Bucky gets frustrated quite a few times when he can't form a letter properly. When they are done, they go through the alphabet quite a few times so Bucky can get it down.

"Do you think you remember that enough to practice that on your own?" Steve asks after they are done with the last go through of the alphabet. Bucky nods, and Steve hopes it's true. They aren't going to get very far if Bucky can't spell words he doesn't know.

Steve then moves on to some basic signs like yes and no (even though Bucky has that one down with nodding and shaking his head) and they spell their names to each other.

Bucky was slow to pick it up. It wasn't that he didn't get it, more like he was hesitant to try it. Steve would be worried about it, but Bucky never complained or said he didn't want to do it anymore. So they kept on going until both of them were tired.

"Well that was kind of exhausting," Steve says after he calls it quits. Bucky looks like he agrees with that statement. "I didn't bring any games, but do you want to play one they have here?" Bucky perks up at this idea and goes over to the game shelf behind him. He comes back with Uno, of course.

Steve smiles at him. "Uno, huh?" he asks. "You just love kicking my butt in that game don't you?" Bucky gives him a small little chuckle and smiles brightly.

Bucky deals out the cards and they start to play. While they do, Steve contemplates Bucky's behavior. He seems so happy now, just as he did when Steve visited Becca's place. But Steve knows that lurking in the background of Bucky's mind are the thoughts that torment him. At Becca's he had been happy during the day, then plagued by nightmares at night. Steve wonders how long this happy exterior will last after he is gone.

Steve is brought out of his thoughts when Bucky starts bouncing around in his chair with happiness. He sees that Bucky only has two cards, while Steve still has seven. Bucky is going to win, again. Bucky puts down one of his cards, and with his right hand he spells out U-N-O. Steve smiles. He's happy that Bucky is taking to the idea of signing and willing to practice, even this small amount.

Steve deals the cards again. This time he was going to win.

 

* * *

 

“How’d your first day of signing with Bucky go?” Nat asks him that evening when he comes back in.

“Not as well as I had hoped,” he says.

“He didn’t like the idea?” Nat asks.

“He was receptive to it, but he seemed a little reluctant. I’m not really sure why. It may be that he’s still scared of communicating. He probably thinks that if he can speak, he’ll have to talk about what happened to him. He seems to want to avoid that at all costs.”

“I’m sorry,” Nat says, “I thought it was a great idea. Too bad it didn’t work.”

“Oh, I’m not giving up yet,” Steve tells her. “He did sign with me. So far we are just working on basic vocabulary. He hasn’t had to actually say anything that I didn’t ask him to say. I think that makes it easier for him just now. But it was still very slow going. I think I didn’t realize how long this is going to take. We’re not going to pick up a new language overnight.”

“Well if I know anything about you, it’s that you’re a stubborn son-of-a-bitch. You’ll persevere.

“I’ll sure as hell try.”


	44. Chapter 44

Becca has agreed to a joint therapy session with Bucky so Sam can help her take care of him when he is ready to be discharged. Right now they are in Sam’s office discussing panic attacks.

Bucky isn’t liking the session much, but it is important for them both. He’s got his knees up in his chair and has his chin resting on them. He’s not been very active in participating in this meeting.

Sam continues with his advice for Becca. “One of the most useless things to say to someone during a panic attack is ‘calm down.’ It can make the person freak out more that they are unable to calm down. A better thing to say is ‘breathe.’ You can have Bucky breathe deeply with you. Take long exaggerated breaths and encourage Bucky to follow suit. Deep breathing is one of the best calming actions.”

“What happens if he’s too far gone to listen to me?” Becca asks. Bucky shrinks down a little in his chair. Sam knows from previous sessions that Bucky thinks of his panic attacks as personal failures, and he has been unable to convince him otherwise.

“Keep yourself calm,” Sam tells her. “Talk slowly and calmly. Avoid making a lot of noise or sudden movements. Just keep talking to him, he’ll come out of it soon enough. When he does, it’s best to remain talking to him calmly and get him to breathe.”

“OK,” Becca says. “This all seems reasonable, but it’s hard to stay calm when he is panicking.”

“That’s where practice comes in. And the techniques I’ve been telling you about can help you stay calm as well.”

Becca nods her understanding. She looks over to Bucky who still has his head rested on his knees. He still looks sad at the fact that his sister will have to deal with his panic attacks someday. He and Sam have discussed the fact that his panic attacks will probably never go away entirely, just lessen over time. Bucky was not happy to hear that.

Sam turns to Bucky. “Bucky and I have been practicing a new technique for managing his panic attacks himself. Isn’t that right Bucky?” Bucky nods slowly with his chin still rested on his knees. This is Bucky’s way of showing that he’s not really enjoying this conversation and would rather stop, but Sam usually doesn’t let him get away with that.

“What’s the technique?” Becca asks. “Is it something I can help with?”

“It’s called the five senses technique,” Sam answers her first question. “It helps Bucky to keep his mind off of whatever is causing him to panic and to ground him to the here and now. It consists of him listing five things he can see, four things he hear, three things he can touch, two things he can smell, and one thing he can taste. By the time he gets to the end of the list, he’ll have forgotten what he was panicking about.”

“Does that work?” Becca asks.

“We’ve just starting working with it recently. He used it the other day with some success.” Sam turns to Bucky again. “Do you think it helped?” Bucky contemplates it, and then slowly nods his head.

“Normally I ask patients to say the list out loud. It helps with the grounding process. But that’s asking a lot of Bucky, so I’ve asked him to at least count on his fingers. If you see him do that, it’s best if you stop talking so that he can complete the lists. Keep breathing deeply though, it should be one of the things he lists that he can hear.”

Not expecting much of an answer, he turns to Bucky and asks, “Is there anything else you can contribute? Anything you can think of that would help.” He expects Bucky to shake his head and be as non-communicative as he has been all day. Instead, Sam gets a surprise. Bucky sits up straight in his chair and turns to Becca. He holds both hands out in front of him, palms facing Becca and pushes them out towards her.

Becca just looks confused, and Sam doesn’t have any better idea what Bucky is trying to say. Bucky sighs and tries another tactic. He points to Becca, then holds his palm out and pushes it away at an angle this time. Sam and Becca are just as confused this time.

Bucky then holds up his right hand and starts moving his fingers rapidly into different patterns. It’s all in vain because neither of them understand that any better.

“What are you doing Bucky?” Becca asks him. Bucky groans in frustration and pulls a bit at his hair.

“I think it’s sign language.” Sam chips in. “He’s been doing that more and more lately. I believe Steve has been teaching him.”

“Is that true?” Becca asks Bucky. He nods his head. “Do you find it easier to communicate that way? Bucky thinks about it and shrugs, then turns the shrug into a nod. “Maybe I should learn sign language,” she muses. Bucky brightens at that idea and smiles at her. “I could probably find classes at the local community college.” Bucky’s is beaming at her. She couldn’t have made him happier. “Is that what you want me to do?” Bucky nods his head quickly. “Great, I’ll look up some classes when I get home tonight.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Sam chimes in. “Steve didn’t consult me when he started teaching Bucky to sign, but if he had, I would have told him to do it. Bucky has been getting better at using nonverbal communicating, and sign language could give him a voice.

“But back to the matter at hand, we’re currently not able to understand what Bucky is asking us to do for his panic attacks.”

Bucky sits up straighter, readjusts himself and takes a deep breath. Apparently he is ready to try again. He points to Becca, points to himself, then holds his two index fingers together, then moves them apart.

Becca finally gets it. “You want me to stay farther away from you?” Bucky vigorously nods his head. “Have I been getting too close?” Bucky looks a bit guilty but also nods his head.

“See,” Sam says, “We’re communicating already.”


	45. Chapter 45

“ _What’s your favorite color?”_ Steve asks Bucky in sign language. They’re attempting to have a conversation in sign, but so far they only know some ASL 101 vocabulary. They have to spell out words they don’t know. Needless to say it’s not a very stimulating conversation, and it is going very slowly.

“ _G-R-E-E-N,_ ” Bucky spells back. Then he repeats the question. “ _What’s your favorite color?”_

“B-L-U-E,” Steve responds. Bucky smiles and points at Steve’s shirt. “Yes, my shirt is blue. I have a lot of blue in my wardrobe. Everyone says it brings out my eyes.”

Bucky shakes his head and then puts his finger to his mouth to shush Steve. They were supposed to be having a conversation completely silently in order to practice signing. “ _O-O-P-S,”_ Steve signs. It makes Bucky give a little chuckle.

Bucky moves on to ask Steve another question. “ _What do you do for work?”_

Steve uses his pinkie finger to fake scribbling on his left hand. “ _Draw_.”

_“Did you drive here?”_ Bucky asks.

_“No, I walked.”_ This conversation is not only fairly boring, but is also filled with information they already know about each other, like “What’s your name.” But practice is practice, and they have to start somewhere.

_“What’s your favorite movie?”_ Steve asks Bucky. Finally this is a question that Steve doesn’t know the answer to. He doesn’t even know what genres Bucky likes.

Bucky holds his hand to his forehead and then twists his hand away. _“I don’t know.”_

Really? Bucky doesn’t have a favorite movie?

“Just pick one, for practice,” Steve says aloud.

_“I don’t know.”_ He repeats.

“Really? Not Citizen Kane, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, anything?”

_“I don’t know.”_ Bucky repeats.

Steve is starting to get concerned about this. “Do you know any movies?”

_“No,”_ Bucky signs.

How could he not know any movies? Granted Bucky hasn’t been in much of a state to watch TV in the hospital, but he should have seen plenty of movies before he was taken.

“Did you forget?” Steve asks. He knows that memory loss could be a symptom of PTSD, but he thought the lost memories were from the trauma. Steve is going to have to admit that he really doesn’t know anything about PTSD.

Bucky doesn’t respond for a moment, then signs, “ _I think so.”_

Well this conversation turned sour quickly. Maybe he could cheer Bucky up with a game.

No, he can’t run away from this just because it is hard. It’s something he does too often, and he’s working on it with his therapist. He’s going to ask some hard questions if Bucky is willing to answer them.

“Are your memory problems due to your PTSD?” Steve asks him. Bucky signs so-so. Steve decides to reframe the question. “Did you forget about the movies because of your PTSD?” Bucky shakes his head. “Why then?”

_“T-O-O long A-W-A-Y.”_

Wow, that’s heart breaking. He was away from the world for so long, that he started to forget things like his favorite movies.

“When you get out of here,” Steve tells him, “We are going to have a movie marathon. I’m going to show you all the best movies. Classic movies and modern ones, I’ve got them all.” It’s true, he has a massive movie collection, probably bigger than what he should have been able to afford.

Bucky smiles at him. _“O-K”_ he spells.

Suddenly Bucky looks up over Steve’s shoulder, concerned. Steve looks back to see what it is. It’s Sam coming straight towards them.

“Hello,” he says when he reaches their table. “Mind if I join you guys for a minute?” Bucky looks like he does very much mind, but he lets Sam join them anyways. He pulls up a chair and sits between Steve and Bucky. “I hear you boys are learning sign language,” he says.

“Yeah, what of it,” Steve says defensively. He doesn’t care what anyone says, he’s going to keep doing it. Bucky’s been able to talk to him. It’s incredible.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Sam tells them.

“Really?” That was not the answer that Steve was expecting. He doesn’t know why he is still a little antagonist towards Sam. He has shown nothing but caring for Bucky. Steve should probably start to warm up to him.

“Yes,” Sam continues, “I think it’s a great way to give Bucky a voice. He hasn’t been able to properly communicate with me before, so it keeps us from making as much progress as I would like.”

“Okay,” Steve says slowly. He has no idea where Sam is going with this.

“I have a proposition for you two. I was hoping, Steve, that you would translate for Bucky during our sessions.”

“What?”

“I could get a translator,” Sam says. “They would have the same confidentiality rules I’m under. But I don’t think that Bucky would open up with a stranger in the room. So if you do it, he’ll be much more relaxed. You already signed the paperwork so you can be present during Bucky’s sessions. What do you say?”

Steve doesn’t know what to think. He’s already heard a lot about what Bucky went through, but being present during all his therapy sessions, seems like a deeper invasion of privacy. But he’s willing to try if Bucky wants him to.

“Sure,” Steve says. “Only if Bucky wants me to be there.”

“Of course,” Sam says. “I would only do this if I had consent from both of you.” He turns to Bucky. “What do you say Bucky? Would you be willing to try this?”

Bucky looks back and forth between Sam and Steve, then shakes his head.

“Why not Bucky?” Steve asks. “Do you not want me to listen to your private sessions?” Bucky shakes his head and waves his hands back and forth. Apparently that’s not the reason.

Sam has a different question. “Is it because this would force you to talk to me about your trauma?” Bucky looks a little guilty and bows his head. He gives a weak little nod.

“Bucky, we’ve gone over this before,” he says. “You can’t get past this unless you are willing to talk about it. You need to process what happened to you.”

Bucky shakes his head while signing. “I don’t want to,” Steve translates for Sam.

“I know you don’t, but it is necessary for progress,” Sam tells him.

Steve decides this is his time to chime in. “I know it’s really scary and hard to do, but it is really important. I wouldn’t have been able to begin recovering from my depression if I didn’t talk about what was bothering me. It would stay bottled up and fester.”

“Steve’s right,” Sam says. “I can’t help you unless I know what your problems are.”

“Are you willing to give it a try?” Steve asks. He doesn’t want to push Bucky, but he’s on Sam’s side that this is a good idea.

Bucky looks back and forth between them again and then sighs and nods his head.


	46. Chapter 46

The session is not going as well as Steve had hoped. Bucky is very combative and refuses to answer any of Sam's questions. Steve wonders what he is doing here translating if Bucky's not going to talk anyway.

"We need to talk about the ordeal you went through," Sam says again.

Bucky moves his hand from his head to form a Y with his thumb and pinky finger. “Why,” Steve translates

“Because you can’t get past it until we talk about it," Sam pleads.

Bucky pulls his hands in and shakes his head.

"I don't want to." Steve is starting to feel some of the same frustration Sam must be feeling.

"That's exactly why we should talk about it," Sam persists

Now Bucky is the one looking frustrated. He's got his arms crossed and he doesn't look like he'll be signing anymore.

Sam takes a step back and tries a softer approach. "How do you feel about the man that took you?" he asks with genuine compassion.

Bucky starts to tear up and looks away from Sam. He's got his mouth clamped tight like he wants to keep himself from talking, even though that's not really a concern for him.

"Bucky," Sam tries again, "This is why we brought Steve here. So that we could talk about this." This statement seems to get through to Bucky because he looks a little guilty and actually looks at Steve for the first time in a while. Sam asks his question one more time. "Tell me, how do you feel about being taken?"

Bucky looks straight at Steve instead of Sam when he finally answers. He points to himself, then whacks his head with a V formed between his index and middle fingers.

"I'm stupid," Steve translates. "Aww, Buck, no you're not," he amends.

"Please refrain from comment Steve, just translate," Sam tells him. He turns to Bucky who is still not looking at him. "Bucky, I asked how you felt. That's a thought not a feeling."

"Well why does he feel stupid?" Steve interjects. "That's important isn't it?" Sam just glares at Steve for interrupting his session. Steve knows from experience that therapists are all about their "feeling words." His current therapist often gives him a list of words to pick from when he can't express himself. But Steve thinks that his thoughts are just as important as his feelings.

Bucky seems to respond to Steve more than Sam, and answers his question.

_"I'm stupid. Don't talk to S-T-R-A-N-G-E-R-S."_

"Do you think that it is your fault?" Sam asks curiously. Bucky looks to the floor and nods. Steve thinks his heart is going to break in two. Bucky couldn't possibly think he was in any way responsible for what happened to him.

"You are not to blame," Sam tells him, echoing what Steve was thinking. "The fault lies with the man who took you."

Bucky shakes his head in disagreement. _"Don't talk to...,"_ he begins to sign again.

"Don't talk to strangers, yes I get it," Sam says. "It's also a bullshit sentiment." Bucky looks confused at that. "First off, you have to talk to strangers every day. That's how life works. At least it is if you speak at all. Secondly, you can't control what another person does. If he wanted to take you, he would have found a way. You talking to him isn't the reason this happened to you." Bucky just looks at the floor again. He's still on the verge of crying.

"He's right, Buck," Steve chimes in again. "It's not your fault. You have to see that." Bucky just shakes his head, hold himself close and starts to cry."

 

* * *

 

Steve follows Bucky when they leave the session. He's still crying and he heads straight for his room. When he gets there, he curls up in a ball on the bed and keeps crying. Steve isn't even sure that Bucky knows he's there.

"Buck? Do you want me to go?" Steve asks hesitantly.

Bucky nods his head, then quickly starts shaking it and cries harder. Steve guesses he doesn't know exactly what he wants. "OK, I'll stay."

Steve sits down on the other bed, still empty since he left the hospital. They sit there in silence for a little while. Steve doesn't know what to say, and he doesn't want to just fill the silence with his rambling thoughts. Bucky is processing everything they talked about in their session with Sam today. He needs to think about that instead of focusing on whatever inane thing Steve can come up with to fill the void. Steve is starting to wonder if he shouldn't just go anyways.

Bucky starts moving and reaches towards his nightstand. He grabs a book and throws it at Steve, who just barely catches it. He turns it around and reads the cover. The Count of Monte Cristo. Steve can't think of a more triggering book than one about a man wrongly imprisoned. He opens the front cover and sees scribbled writing proclaiming this the property of Bucky Barnes. Steve supposes this must have been a favorite book that Becca brought over or maybe Bucky brought himself.

Bucky lies back down, but keeps staring at Steve. "You want me to read this to you?" Steve guesses. Bucky nods, so Steve opens the book up to the page marked with a scrap piece of paper and starts to read.

 

> When they reached Leghorn, Dantès was eager to see whether he would recognize himself, for he had not seen his own face for fourteen years. As soon as they landed, he went to a barber to have his hair and beard cut. When the barber ad finished, Dantès asked for a mirror and looked at himself.
> 
> Dantès smiled as he looked at himself. It was impossible that his best friend, if he still had any friends, would recognize him; he did not even recognize himself.

 

Steve reads until a nurse pokes her head into the room. "Visiting hours are over," she tells him, so he closes the book and lays it back down on the nightstand. He looks over at Bucky. He's fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached 50,000 words! I never thought I would get this far, and especially not this fast. It's all because of the comments I get every chapter. I love hearing from everyone and seeing that you guys are interested in what I have to say. So special thank you to everyone reading and especially to my loyal commenters.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's my Birthday! Here, have a chapter with board games and then some sadness.

“Oh no, the island is sinking!” Wanda exclaims during game night. “We’ve got to shore up the path to the landing pad or we’ll be stuck here.” Wanda, apparently, gets really into the narrative of the games. They’re playing Forbidden Island, and they have to escape with their stolen treasure before the island sinks around them.

“I can use a sandbag on the Lost Lagoon,” Phil announces.

“And I can get to the Observatory on my next turn,” Steve chips in.

Soon enough they make it to the landing pad and helicopter off the island, winning the game.

“Good game,” Phil says.

“Wanna play another round?” Steve asks. He had never played this game before Phil brought it over, and he finds he really likes it. It may be one of his new favorites.

“Absolutely,” Wanda says. She got really invested in her character, The Diver, last round, explaining to them where her character got her diving certificate.

“Sure,” Phil says and starts to set up the game.

“So, Steve,” Wanda says as they wait for the game board to be created. “How have you been?”

Steve gives a small sigh. “So-so.”

“Only so-so?” she asks.

“Yeah. I’ve been alright, but my friend from inpatient isn’t doing as well. I’ve been helping translate for him in his sessions, and he’s facing some really dark stuff.” He already told them about learning sign language for Bucky, which they thought was incredible.

“Not to sound like a therapist,” Phil says, “But this is why they warned us about becoming friends with other patients. It’s all too easy to be swept up in their problems.”

“I’m not going to stop being friends with Bucky,” Steve states firmly.

“And I’m not suggesting you should. I’m just saying you shouldn’t lose yourself when helping him.”

“You should make sure to do things for yourself,” Wanda agrees. “Coming to game night is a great start.”

“Only a start?” Steve asks. For him, this one thing is a big step in itself.

Wanda chuckles. “Yes, only a start. I know you have a tendency to think of other people before yourself. You need to focus on your own recovery. It’s great that you still have a good friend from the hospital, but you should keep working on your own therapy.”

“I am,” Steve says. At least he thinks he is. He’s been really focused on learning sign language recently that he hasn’t had time for much else. He’s really enjoying doing it though, doesn’t that count for something.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Wanda continues. “Just make sure you keep it up.”

 

* * *

 

Steve goes to visit Bucky the next day, and finds he is not in the common room where he usually is during visiting hours. He searches the ward to find Bucky in his room. He is curled up on his bed, hugging a pillow.

“Hey Bucky, what’s wrong,” Steve asks as he enters the room. Bucky doesn’t move, just lies there tightly gripping the pillow. Steve continues into the room until he has a good view of Bucky. He’s not crying, that’s a good sign. But he’s also not showing any sign of reacting to Steve’s presence. That’s not good. He hasn’t been like this for a long time.

“Bucky, can you look at me?” Steve asks as he crouches down to get a better look at Bucky. He doesn’t do as Steve asks but instead curls closer into the pillow as Steve gets closer. Steve immediately backs away, but makes sure to do so slowly so as to not make any sudden movements. He doesn’t want to send Bucky into a panic attack.

Instead, he goes to lie down on the other bed. It sits directly across from Bucky’s, so lying down, Steve can get a good view of Bucky’s face, and more importantly, Bucky can see him.

“What’s up, Buck?” He tries again. Still no response, and Bucky still isn’t looking at him. “Can you sign to tell me how you are?” Bucky still doesn’t move.

Steve decides that Bucky’s going to need some time to get used to his presence before he’s ready to communicate in his present state. So he just lies there looking at Bucky and waits.

Bucky looks so scared, and so young. Steve often forgets that Bucky was only fifteen when he was taken. He hasn’t had the chance to “grow up” as it were since then. When he gets stuck in his memories, he is still stuck in the mindset of a scared teenager. It’s amazing that Bucky has made as much progress as he has.

But that’s just it, it’s amazing. He’s amazing. After everything, he still knows how to make Steve laugh. He’s kind, and gentle, and he’s a little shit when he plays Uno. Steve knows now that Nat has hit this nail on the head. He’s fallen for Bucky. He wants nothing more than to make him feel better right now, and he can’t. There’s nothing he can do but wait until Bucky can let him in again.

As if listening to Steve’s thoughts, Bucky shifts and starts to sit up. Steve follows him and also sits up on the spare bed. Bucky still isn’t looking him in the eye, but he’s not far off.

“Hi Bucky,” Steve starts. “You ready to tell me what’s wrong.” Still Bucky doesn’t respond, but he shifts over in the bed to make room on the end. Steve takes that as a sign. “I’m going to come sit next to you, OK?” Bucky is still gripping the pillow, but makes no move to stop Steve from coming over.

The second Steve sits down, Bucky holds out his hand. Steve is surprised, but he slowly grabs ahold of it. Bucky pulls it towards him like a possession, and puts their two hands in his lap.

“Do you want a hug?” Steve offers. Bucky just stares into his lap where he is still gripping both the pillow and Steve’s outstretched hand. He doesn’t respond or make a move, so Steve assumes that’s a no.

Steve goes back to being silent, letting Bucky process whatever is going through his mind. They sit there like that for a while until Bucky releases Steve’s hand and lies down again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to SlothraSketch for recommending Forbidden Island. Great game, I really enjoyed it.


	48. Chapter 48

“How have you been feeling,” his therapist asks during their session that week.

“Fine,” Steve replies tersely. He hasn’t really been thinking about how he has been feeling lately. He’s just been really tired.

“How has your sleep been?” Damn, how do therapists always know what you’re thinking about? Though the many yawns this morning may have given that away.

“I’ve been sleeping a lot, I guess.” Steve responds.

“Have you been sleeping too much?”

The answer to that is yes, but he doesn’t really want to admit it. He’s been staying in bed for most of the day, only going out to see Bucky or when Nat or Wanda drag him out to things.

“A bit more than usual,” is all he admits to.

“Then you haven’t been keeping to the regular sleep schedule we came up with?”

The sleep schedule was created to keep Steve from sleeping in all day. Since he works from home, he could sleep in whenever he wants, but it’s not good for his depression. His therapist wants him to go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day.

“That’s not really be happening, no.”

“How about work? Are you keeping up with your deadlines?”

At this Steve looks guilty. “No,” he says. His deadlines have been slipping more and more, and he still has a project undone that he hasn’t even started although it’s a week late. He’ll probably end up losing the client forever if he keeps it up. “It’s been hard to concentrate at work.”

His therapist sighs. “Steve, I think you’ve been slipping back into depression. You are repeating old cycles of behavior that led you down in the first place. Do you have any idea what may have prompted this return to old behaviors?”

“Maybe.” Not maybe, it’s a yes. It’s Bucky. Ever since Steve started translating for Bucky’s sessions, their time together has been strained. Bucky is sad all the time. Steve knows it is because he is facing things that are difficult to face, and this is supposed to be progress. But right now it is hard for both of them. They still practice sign language, but it’s not with the same enthusiasm that they had before. “My friend has been having a hard time.”

“Is this your friend from inpatient,” she looks at her notes, “Bucky?”

“Yes. He’s been really down lately. I think it’s bringing me down too.”

“You’re very empathic, Steve. It can be very hard for you to remain happy when someone you know is sad. But you need to disconnect yourself from Bucky. He shouldn’t be the only thing that determines your mood.” Steve nods. He knows this. It’s the same thing that Phil and Wanda have been saying to him.

“You’ve made other friends as well. How are they doing?”

“Great,” he tells her. “Phil hasn’t had a panic attack in weeks, and he is doing really well at work. They’ve given him all the accommodations he requested and it’s been working out well. Wanda is getting out more and trying harder to make friends without her brother. She’s the one who always gets me to go to game night.”

“That good to hear. I think that you should spend more time with these friends.” Steve can agree to that. He knows he needs to get out of the house more, and he likes spending time with Wanda and Phil. “Maybe go out some more and meet more people. Perhaps your friend Wanda can bring more people to your game nights?”

Steve balks at that idea. New people are not a good idea. “I don’t know about that. I feel comfortable with Wanda and Phil, but new people would make me feel worse.”

“You should give it a try,” she tells him. “Remember that Wanda and Phil were once new people you to.”

Steve sighs. Everyone always wants to remind him of that, like just because he made friends once it would be so easy to do again.

“Maybe, he says.

“Maybe,” she repeats. “I’ll take that for now.”

 

* * *

 

“You have a good day,” Nat asks at dinner that night.

“Not really,” he says. After his therapy session he went to see Bucky. He was fairly non-communicative again, which just put him in a worse mood.

“What’s wrong?” Clint asks.

“I’ve just been really down lately,” he replies.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been sleeping a lot more recently,” Nat remarks. “That’s not good for you, you know.”

“I know,” he agrees. “My therapist says the same thing.”

“She have any other good advice?” Nat asks.

“Yeah. The same advice I always get. Go out more.”

“That’s it,” Clint says. “We’ll have to work on getting you out into the world. Nat and I have been staying indoors together too much anyways, we’ll all go out together.”

Steve still isn’t sure he wants to spend that much time tagging along with Nat and her boyfriend. “I don’t want to get in the way.”

“Nonsense,” Clint says. “We all need more human contact. You want to bring your other friends, the more the merrier.”

Bringing Wanda or Phil with him would make him feel less like a third wheel. Maybe that idea has merit. “I guess so.”

“Great, it’s settled.” Clint says.

“Did your therapist have any other good ideas we can implement?” Nat asks.

“Umm… sort of,” Steve says.

“What do you mean, sort of.”

“I mean she said something I don’t want to do,” he says. “She wants me to ‘disconnect myself from Bucky’ as she put it.”

“It might be a good idea if you two weren’t quite so attached,” Nat says. “I know you’ve said he’s been feeling down lately. Maybe you shouldn’t spend so much time with him.”

“I’m not going to stop spending time with Bucky,” Steve says angrily.

“I didn’t say stop,” Nat says firmly. “I said not as much. That boy is dragging you down. I can see it. Ever since you started going to his sessions.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be doing that anymore,” Clint says. “It’s got to be some heavy stuff you guys are talking about. That can’t be good for your state of mind.”

“I’m helping Bucky. I’m not going to stop.”

“Fine!” Nat gets up from the table. “Do what you want. But I’m the one who’s going to have to pick up the pieces when you crash and burn.”

Steve doesn’t want to finish his dinner anymore, so he gets up too. “Bucky’s my friend, I’m not going to stop helping him. I can’t believe you would ask me to. I can handle myself, I don’t need your help.”

Clint, the only one remaining at the table, tries to make it seem like he’s not there. He’s not going to get in the middle of a fight between two best friends.

“Steve, you can’t handle yourself, that’s why you’re in therapy.”

“What, so now everyone in therapy is a crazy loon.”

“I didn’t say that. You always twist my words.”

“But you did say that I can’t take care of myself. I’m not an invalid, and I don’t need your approval for everything I do.”

And with that, he storms out of the room. Even in his anger he knows he’ll regret his words later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Bellatrix_zenith, whose birthday is today, and a belated birthday to my birthday twins, amordemealma and reinazdogz. 
> 
> I had a great birthday. My friends surprised me with kittens. Actual kittens. We went to a cat cafe where you can play with their 25 cats while drinking coffee. It was awesome. I recommend if there is one in your city.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NerdLifeIsAGreatLife made me an awesome book cover for my birthday. Check it out [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5748127).

When Steve gets to the hospital, there is some sort of commotion going on in the common room. He pushes past some patients to get a better view, only to see that it is Bucky in the center of it all. He’s got a chair held out in front of him, keeping some distance between him and the orderlies.

Steve immediately goes to Bucky’s aid. “Stop,” he says. “Bucky, put down the chair.” Bucky doesn’t do anything of the sort and starts to wave it around just a little. Steve knows that Bucky isn’t violent, so this display is an empty threat. Still, it should be treated as serious, just in case. He slowly moves towards Bucky with his hands up to appear nonthreatening.

His movement gets Bucky to at least look at him. Bucky’s eyes look panicked. Steve still has no idea what caused this current situation, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is getting him to calm down.

Steve decides that Bucky needs something familiar while he talks. So he starts signing while also speaking aloud. “Bucky. Please put the chair down.” Bucky doesn’t but his eyes are starting to get a bit more focused. He is looking at Steve’s hands as he is speaking. Steve hopes that it is bringing him back into the moment. “Bucky, it’s OK. No one is going to hurt you. You can put the chair down.” Steve doesn’t know how to sign all of that, but he signs the words he knows.

Bucky breaks his eye contact to look around. Everyone is staring at him, but no one is making any moves to come near him. Slowly, he puts down the chair. He sags to the floor and starts to cry.

Steve starts to go to comfort him, but a nurse stops him. “I don’t think you should go over there right now,” she says. “He needs a little space.” Steve guesses that is true since he forced some space between himself and everyone else with the chair. He is itching to go over there, but there is a nurse talking to Bucky right now, so he can wait.

“What happened?” Steve asks the nurse who stopped him.

“One of the new patients started to bother him. He kept annoying Bucky, trying to get him to talk until Bucky snapped. That’s about when you came in.”

Steve sighs. Bucky’s still not good with new people.   Shouldn’t there be someone keeping an eye out to make sure this doesn’t happen? But Steve supposes that they can’t keep watch every second.

Bucky has calmed down a bit and the nurse talking to him has gone away. Steve approaches slowly so as to not scare Bucky further. Bucky hears him coming and lifts his head. His eyes are still full of tears.

“Are you OK Bucky?” Steve asks.

Bucky signs back, _“OK.”_

“What happened?” Steve asks. He wants to hear it in Bucky’s own words.

Bucky shakes his head. Steve doesn’t think that Bucky actually knows exactly what happened to make him freak out. _“I don’t want this,”_ Bucky signs.

Steve knows what he means. Bucky doesn’t want to be constantly plagued by panic attacks, to not know what is going to set him off next. They’ve been getting more frequent now that Bucky is actually talking during therapy, and it’s driving Bucky up the wall. “I know, Buck. I’m sorry. But it will get better, I promise.”

 

* * *

 

Steve is drunk. He’s really, really drunk. He knows it when he tries to stand up and sort of slides down the couch. He giggles, but it’s not funny. He knows in his head that he shouldn’t get another drink, but drunk Steve thinks it’s a great idea. He gets up and heads for the kitchen where he left the bottle of rum he bought on the way home.

After Bucky’s panic attack, they went straight into a session with Sam. Bucky talked about what it feels like when he has an attack. He has flashbacks and thinks that he is back in that basement where he spent five years of his life. It was horrible to hear, and worse to have to translate out loud for Sam. He went straight to the liquor store afterwards.

He hears the key in the lock and knows that Nat is coming home. He contemplates quickly hiding in his room so she doesn’t know he’s drunk, but he knows he can’t get there quickly enough and he is way too plastered to past muster after she gets one looks at him. He decides on honesty.

It turns out to be both Nat and Clint, and just as he suspected, Nat knows something is wrong the minute she lays eyes on him.

“What the hell Steve?” she says.

“Sorry,” he says while still waving around the bottle of rum. “I made a mistake, but I needed to wind down so…” he takes a swig of the bottle and holds it up in cheers.

Nat storms right over to him and snatches the bottle out of his hand. “And why did you need to ‘wind down?’ It’s Bucky isn’t it?”

Steve stumbles back to the living room and flops down on the couch. “You’re going to get on my case again, aren’t you?”

“It’s not good for you to be translating his sessions. Look at you, you’re a mess.”

“You’re a mess,” he slurs back and giggles. Then he frowns. What the hell did that mean?

“She’s right, you know,” Clint says. Steve turns his head sloppily to look at Clint. He had already forgotten he was there. He’s been keeping silent, still standing by the door.

Steve sobers up for a second. “I know,” he admits, then suddenly breaks down sobbing.

Nat is there immediately. She sits down on the couch next to him and puts her arms around him. “Aww, Steve. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“Not your fault,” he sniffles. “I can’t take it anymore. The things he’s been through. It’s horrible. I know he’s holding back too. I can’t imagine what else he could have gone through that would have been worse than what he’s already talked about.” He cries harder on Nat’s shoulder.

“You’re going to stop doing it then, right?” she asks him.

“I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I think I’m helping. I can’t just stop.”

“Steve, you march right in there tomorrow and tell them you can’t do this anymore. It’s tearing you apart. Look at you, Steve. You can’t do this to yourself.”

Steve nods. “You’re right, I can’t do this anymore. It’s affecting my relationship with Bucky too. I can hardly look at him and not think about everything that happened. I understand now so much of why he is the way he is. I don’t know how he ever touched me. I wouldn’t be able to touch anyone ever again.”

“That’s probably not true,” Nat tells him.

“No, you don’t know what happened to him. He…”

“Stop,” Nat interrupts. “As curious as I am, I don’t want you breaking confidentiality just because you are drunk.”

“Shit,” Steve says rubbing his face and wiping his tears. “You’re right. I shouldn’t tell you. But it’s bad, Nat, really bad. I need to be more careful about touching him from now on.”

“I don’t think you should change what you are doing because of what you learned,” Nat tells him. “Bucky probably wouldn’t want that.”

“I just can’t do it. He was probably scared to death when I first asked him to hold my hand. I pushed him into it. He probably feels he has to keep it up. I should keep my distance now.”

“OK,” Nat says, “Whatever you think is right.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 50! Wow. On this milestone I have some sad news. The story is going to come to an end. I've outlined to the end and we have less than 10 chapters left. For some good news, the sequel is a go. There will be kittens. I promise lots of kittens.

“I don’t understand why it seems like Bucky is getting worse,” Becca says to Sam during their joint therapy sessions. “I brought him back here because he was getting worse at home. But now I’m not sure that it was the change in location that was the problem. If he’s going to keep getting worse here, then I’d rather take him home again.” She turns to Bucky. “Of course, only if that’s what you want.” Bucky doesn’t respond. He just continues to look at the floor like he’s been doing throughout the meeting.

Bucky has been more and more unresponsive when Becca comes to see him. They had started out trying to speak to each other in sign language, but now Bucky rarely does it anymore. He doesn’t seem interested in any activities. He’s almost comatose with how little he seems to care about his surroundings. Becca is really worried for him.

“Bucky has been opening up a lot more in our sessions together,” Sam tells her. “This is progress, but it’s going to be hard for a while. He’s having to face things that he’s been avoiding and are really hard to deal with. He’s opening a wound that never healed properly so we can work closing it. We’re at the worse stage. He’ll get a little worse before he gets better.”

Becca turns to Bucky. “Do you think it is working?” she asks. Bucky shakes his head.

Sam is obviously not happy with this answer. “Bucky doesn’t like talking about any of this,” he tells her. “He has avoided it for so long. And it’s understandable too. But I think I’ve convinced him that he needs to face it to get past it. Do you still think that’s true Bucky?” Bucky reluctantly nods.

“Well I’m not convinced,” Becca says. “I understand what you are saying, and it makes sense, but the results are not promising. He seems even more withdrawn and you said his nightmares are getting even worse. I’m afraid you might be pushing him too far.”

She knows that Sam doesn’t want to listen to advice from her. She made a mistake last time, and he was right. But that doesn’t mean he is right about this. If he pushes Bucky too far, he could break. She’s only just gotten her brother back. She doesn’t want to lose him again because Sam made a mistake.

“Bucky’s not as fragile as you might think,” Sam says. “Bucky, what do you think? Do you think I’m pushing you too far?” Bucky just kind of shrugs. “He’s still talking to me during our sessions,” Sam continues saying to Becca. “If he thought it wasn’t good for him he could stop. You have to let Bucky make this decision.”

Becca knows this. She wants nothing more than to swoop in and save her brother, but she has to learn how to back off and let other people help him instead.

“OK,” she says to Bucky, “Whatever you think is best. Don’t push yourself too hard.” Buck gives a noncommittal nod.

“I had something else I wanted to talk you about,” she tells Bucky. “I was thinking about moving to the city.” At this Bucky perks up. I’m still on a leave of absence for a while, and after that I can look for a job in the city. If I don’t find anything I’ll be OK. I have a substantial savings, and I can sell the house. What do you think?”

Bucky seems to process this for a little while. _“You don’t have to,”_ he signs.

“I know I don’t have to, I want to. I hate that I can’t come visit you very often. I want to be close by. Then when you get out of the hospital, you’ll be close to your friend, Steve.” Bucky smiles a little. Becca doesn’t know what it is about Steve Rogers that makes Bucky so happy, but she’s just glad Bucky has some happiness in his life right now. “That is if you want to come live with me when you are released.”

 _“I want to,”_ Bucky signs to her.

“Good, that’s settled then,” she says. Becca’s not exactly sure how she’s going to make this work, but when she thought of it she knew she had to make it a reality. She decided on one of her long drives away from the hospital. She hated the idea that she was getting farther and farther away from her brother that needed her.

“If you can get it to work, I think Bucky would be very happy to have you close by,” Sam says. “You may not be able to tell, but he is always happier when you are here.”

That doesn’t really fill her with the confidence that Sam probably meant it as. If he’s this gloomy when she’s here, how bad is he when she’s gone?

 _“M-A-R-K?”_ Bucky asks.

“We broke up,” she tells him. She forgot she hadn’t told him that. It was shortly after Bucky returned to the hospital. Looking back, she’s not really sure why she had been dating him for so long. Stuck in a rut she supposes. Having Bucky around made her realize where her priorities should be, and she decided that it wasn’t with Mark.

Bucky points to himself. She doesn’t get it for a second, then she realizes. He is asking if he is the reason they broke up.

“It’s not your fault, if that’s what you a wondering. We weren’t going to work out. He could be kind of an ass sometimes.” Bucky smiles. Apparently he agrees with that.

“So we’re settled then?” she asks. “I’ll come live in the city?”

 _“Yes,”_ Bucky says. _“Thank you.”_


	51. Chapter 51

Bucky sits across from Steve in the common room wondering how long this is going to last. They are using a children’s trivia game to practice their signing. The conversation is minimal, they’re both focusing on getting their words right.

Bucky knows he has been miserable company for a while. The things he has been working on with Sam are making his nightmares and panic attacks more frequent. He can’t stop thinking about his time spent imprisoned, about everything he’s lost during those years.

Steve comes to half his sessions now to translate. He holds back the worse stuff, not ready to tell Steve everything, but still he’s made Steve cry on more than one occasion. The last time was the worse. He talked about how he learned to be silent. When he pleaded for help or mercy he got beaten for his troubles. It was best not to say anything. Pretty soon he even stopped screaming, resigned to his fate. The first thing he learned after he was rescued was how to scream again.

Steve had to sit through all this and relay his words to Sam. He’s hurting Steve, and worse, he’s hurting their relationship. Recently Steve stop touching him. He avoids Bucky like he’s a leper. Bucky had grown to love the small bits of contact they sometimes shared. It was comforting in a way that Bucky never thought that touch could be again. And now it was gone.

Steve asks him some question but Bucky’s not paying any attention, too lost in his thoughts. Instead of answering he places his hand on the table palm up. He wants Steve to hold his hand. Last week Steve complied with his request, even offered a hug that Bucky wasn’t ready for. Now Steve just stares at his hand and makes no move to touch him.

“You’re not going to answer the question?” Steve asks, evading Bucky’s obvious request. Bucky just holds his hand out farther towards Steve, hoping against hope that Steve will finally touch him again. Steve again does nothing. He just sits there holding the trivia card in front of him.

So Bucky takes the initiative and goes to grab Steve’s hand. Steve recoils instantly before Bucky can take hold. Bucky takes his hand back and puts it in his lap, which he ends up staring at.

Steve isn’t avoiding his touch for Bucky’s sake. Bucky clearly asked him to hold his hand, and instead, he gets nothing. No, not nothing. Steve visible recoiled. Steve is the one who can’t touch Bucky.

He must think that Bucky is disgusting. After everything that has happened to him, Bucky is tainted, no good to anyone anymore. By letting Steve translate he has opened the door into his past. Steve couldn’t possibly want to be around him anymore after hearing what has happened to him. And he hasn’t even gotten to the really bad stuff. The stuff he has nightmares about night after night.

He knows now that he has lost Steve. He was Bucky’s only friend and now he’s going to leave. Today’s awkward conversation and Steve’s unwillingness to touch him are signs that it is over. Eventually Steve will stop coming to see him.

_“No more signing with Sam,”_ Bucky tells Steve. If there is any way to keep this friendship going, he’s going to have to stop this right now.

Steve sighs. “I’ve actually been thinking the same thing.” Bucky knew it. Steve can’t handle Bucky’s fucked up life. “I’m not sure it’s good for me.” Steve avoids looking at Bucky. He’s not surprised. Bucky wouldn’t look himself in the eye if he were Steve.

“I feel like I’m invading your privacy,” Steve continues. Nice excuse, but that’s not the real reason. “I’m going to tell Sam that we both want to stop.” Bucky nods. He thinks it is probably too late for him and Steve, but this is the only way to save their friendship if it’s possible at all.

 

* * *

 

“Do you want to tell me why you wanted Steve to stop translating for you,” Sam asks during their session that normally included Steve. Bucky shakes his head. He can’t get into it, plus he can’t communicate with Sam very well. He’s gotten slightly better at writing, but he still hates to do it. Sign language is much easier.

“Do you want your sister to translate instead?” Bucky shakes his head back and forth really quickly. Becca has been learning sign language too, but she’s not very good at it yet. But that’s not the reason he doesn’t want her to translate. He can’t have another situation like what happened with Steve. He can’t tell Becca about anything that happened to him. She would never look at him the same way again. She already looks at him differently and she only knows vague details about what happened.

“Do you want to get a translator?” Sam tries again, slightly frustrated. Bucky again shakes his head. He’s done with this. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s just making him feel worse.

“So how do you want to communicate?” Sam asks. Bucky shrugs. “That’s not very helpful, Bucky,” he says. “We’ve been making good progress. I would like to continue.”

Bucky signs, _“I don’t want to.”_ Sam has picked up on that one because Bucky has used it so many times.

“I thought we had gotten past this,” Sam sighs. “I know it kind of sucks right now, but I promise you will get better. But only if we can talk about this. I already know that you are holding out on me. You need to process all of it, especially the really bad stuff.”

Bucky bounces his legs up and down. He is indecisive. He knows that Sam is probably right. Sam cares about him and his treatment. He wouldn’t steer Bucky wrong. And Bucky had already made the decision to finally open up and talk about this, he can’t stop now.

_“O-K,”_ he signs, another easy one Sam knows.

“OK to which one? The translator?” Bucky nods. It isn’t going to be easy to talk with a stranger in the room, but maybe he’ll get used to it. At least he won’t have to worry about ruining friendships.

He wishes he hadn’t ruined what he had with Steve.


	52. Chapter 52

Steve finds Bucky curled up in his bed again the next time he visits. He’s starting to get concerned that this is happening more and more.

“Are you OK, Bucky?” he asks.

 _“Go away,”_ he signs awkwardly from his curled up position.

Bucky has never asked him to leave before. Even when they first met and Steve was just an annoyance to him, he never made Steve go away.

“You really want me to leave?” Steve asks, hurt. Bucky turns over so that his back is to Steve.

Steve normally wants to do what Bucky asks of him, but this time he’s going to be stubborn. “I want to know what’s going on Bucky,” he says. “I’m not leaving until you tell me.”

Bucky angrily sits up and looks at Steve with a mean look in his eye. But he doesn’t say anything.

 _“What’s wrong,”_ Steve tries signing.

 _“What’s wrong with you,”_ Bucky returns.

“What?” Steve says aloud. “Nothing’s wrong with me. You’re the one who is kicking me out.”

 _“You don’t want to be here,”_ Bucky signs.

“Why would you think that?” He doesn’t think he has ever given Bucky that impression. Isn’t the fact that he is here at all proof that he wants to come?

Bucky apparently doesn’t think so, since he is still staring at Steve angrily with his arms crossed against his chest. After a few moments of a staring match, Bucky uncrosses his arms and starts to sign.

 _“You don’t touch me,”_ Bucky says and then mimes holding hands with his two hands. _“You think I’m D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G.”_

What the holy hell? How does Bucky think that? It’s not true at all. Has he done anything to make Bucky think that? Sure, he hasn’t touched Bucky in a while, but how does he make the leap to think that Steve is disgusted by him?

“No, no, no,” Steve assures Bucky. “I don’t think that at all. I was starting to worry about consent, that’s all. After everything you’ve been through, I didn’t think you wanted to be touched without your say so.”

 _“B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T,”_ Bucky spells. He then points to Steve and mimics pulling back quickly, the way that Steve had done the other day.

So that’s what this is about. Steve didn’t mean to do that, it just happened. His nerves were on edge trying to make sure he didn’t accidentally touch Bucky without his permission. He didn’t think about how that would look to Bucky.

 _“I want to touch,”_ Bucky says.

“I didn’t mean to deny you touch, I promise I didn’t. I just thought you didn’t want it. The other day was a mistake. I certainly don’t think you are disgusting. I don’t know where you got that. What happened to you was terrible, but it’s not your fault. You are one of the greatest people I know. You haven’t been made a bad person because of what you went through.”

Bucky starts silently crying during this speech. Steve hopes this is a good sign, but he doesn’t think it is.

“Do you understand that, Bucky? That you have not changed for the worse because of what you went through. You are still a kind and gentle person and I care for you very much.”

Bucky’s still crying and he shakes his head. He keeps shaking it and ducks his head down to hide his tears.

“I don’t know how you could possibly think that it was your fault or that it left you somehow disgusting in some way. That’s the opposite of the truth.”

Bucky is still crying as Steve falls silent. There isn’t much else to say that hadn’t already been said.

“Do you want me to hold your hand? I will if it’s what you want.”

Bucky lifts his head, looking a little hopeful. _“H-U-G?”_ he asks.

Steve’s heart melts at this request. “Of course, Bucky.” He holds his arms out and lets Bucky come to him. Bucky takes his time but inches closer until he’s within arm’s reach of Steve. He goes in for the hug and Steve meets him halfway. They hug for a while, neither one wanting to be the first to pull away.

 

* * *

 

Steve gets Bucky to get up and go to the common room. They hold hands on the way there. Steve has resolved to touch Bucky whenever he shows that he wants it. In return, he got Bucky to promise that he’ll always be straightforward with his requests for contact. They should have worked this out ages ago. That would have prevented their fight.

They avoid their usual spot by the window and go to sit on the couch instead. “Bucky,” Steve starts to ask, “Why do you feel comfortable touching me? I mean, I understand Becca, but why me and no one else?”

Bucky takes his hand away so that he can sign. _“I don’t know.”_

“That’s it?” Steve says. “You don’t know. That’s the only answer I’m going to get?”

 _“I don’t know,”_ Bucky repeats. _“I don’t know why I T-R-U-S-T you.”_ Bucky looks frustrated for a moment like he doesn’t know how to say what he wants to say, like he has too many words, and not enough of a vocabulary. _“You’re good,”_ he ends up saying. He looks down at his lap like he’s embarrassed to have said that.

“Well, thank you, Bucky,” Steve says for lack of something better to say. “That’s a really nice compliment.

Bucky apparently isn’t done speaking. _“You think I’m good,”_ he signs.

“Of course, Bucky,” Steve assures him. “I think you’re great. I really lo…” Shit. He almost said that he loves Bucky. It just started coming out of his mouth before he realized he was going to say it. He certainly doesn’t want to scare Bucky off with that kind of language right after they made up. “I really care about you,” he finishes instead.

Bucky smiles and points at himself, then Steve. _Me too_ , Steve assumes. This puts a smile on Steve’s face as well.


	53. Chapter 53

Bucky wakes up panicked, breathing hard, kicking off his blankets. He holds himself still for a moment in the darkness, straining to hear the sound of someone coming for him. He hears nothing but the ticking of the clock, which sounds so slow compared to the beating of his heart.

The darkness is illuminated by a faint glow from outside the room. It creeps in through the partially opened door. His eyes have adjusted enough that he can faintly see the outline of his bed and the blankets strewn around the foot of his bed where he kicked them off.

As Sam taught him, he starts to count these things off. Five things he can see. The light from the door. The bed. The blankets. He looks around some more. Sees the outline of the second bed, which he counts and number four. For five he settles for his hand, when he can see silhouetted when he holds it up.

Four things he can hear. His breath, which is ragged and quick. He tries to slow it down, but that just throws him off track and he forgets where he is again for a second. _What can I hear?_ he thinks, trying to get back to where he was. He remembers to count when he feels his index finger holding the count of one. He restarts the list. His breath, the clock, the rustling of the sheets, the beating of his heart in his ears. There that’s four.

Three things he can touch. The roughness of the crappy hospital sheets. God that was something he didn’t miss when he was at Becca’s. He can feel his breath against his hand if he holds it up to his mouth. It’s coming slower now, he’s starting to calm down. He can feel the beating of his heart if he holds his chest, also starting to slow and calm.

Two things he can smell. The mint on his breath from his toothpaste mixed with the unpleasant smell of his sweat from the nightmare.

He’s mostly calmed down now, his breathing is steady, he knows where he is. But for Sam, he finishes the list. One thing he can taste. His minty toothpaste.

He’s OK, and he did it all by himself. This wasn’t one of his worse panic attacks, but still. Now he knows that he can handle the small ones by himself. Perhaps he can handle them all soon enough.

Though Bucky preferred it when Steve was here to calm him down. Steve had a way of being calming, reassuring, and also grounding. He could bring Bucky out of his nightmare faster than anyone or anything else.

The best were the times when he hugged Steve. Steve was small and nonthreatening. Bucky could envelope him completely, and know that Steve wasn’t going anywhere, couldn’t do anything to hurt him. Bucky knew that Steve wouldn’t want to hurt him, but it was also nice to have that reassurance in his mind that he couldn’t if he tried. But that’s not what was nice about the hugs. It was comforting. Bucky was reminded of his mother hugging him when he had a bad dream as a child. It was a gesture of love, and Steve gave it freely.

What does it mean that Bucky wants this so badly from Steve? Does he want there to be something more between them? He finds it more and more possible each day that Steve could come to love him, despite his many troubles and his terrible past. Surely Steve has gone above and beyond what any other friend would do for Bucky. But the question remains, what does Bucky want their relationship to be?

Bucky’s not sure that he could ever have a romantic relationship again. After everything, he would need a truckload of trust before he let anyone get that close. But if he was capable of it, it would be with Steve. He wormed his way into Bucky’s heart so quickly that Bucky didn’t even see it coming. Bucky’s feelings of friendship turned into more and he didn’t know until he thought he’d lost Steve.

Bucky has only had one relationship before. It was in high school, not much before he was taken. The guy was a senior football player, and Bucky was just a sophomore geek. They weren’t really compatible, but there wasn’t much of a selection of openly gay students in the school. They were both in the same math class, and a study date turned into more. They went on a few dates, slept together a few times, then went their separate ways.

Bucky tries to think about how it was to sleep with someone else. He can’t really understand the appeal anymore. It was all right at the time. He remembers quite enjoying it. But now, he can’t really stomach the idea. How could he ever want that again?

But though his high school relationship was mostly about sex, they did do more than that. His best memories where just sharing a bed together. That’s something he could want again. If he could get past his fear of touch enough, he would want to have that again.

Again, Bucky’s thoughts turn to Steve. If hugging is so nice, what would it be like to snuggle with Steve? To spoon him and fall asleep listening to the sound of his breath? Bucky thinks he would like that. If he could form a relationship with Steve that involved snuggling and nothing more, that would be perfect.

But would that be unfair to Steve? It probably would be. Steve deserves someone who can give him as much in return as he gives him. Bucky knows that Steve cares for people with his whole heart. He doesn’t want to break that heart by having him enter a relationship with someone as broken as Bucky.

Bucky doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to hurt Steve, but he can’t bear to push him away. Probably best just to let things play out.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to Brianna_Daughter_of_Hades, who always leaves such wonderful comments: here, have a happy chapter.

Steve brings Forbidden Island to the hospital, hoping things between him and Bucky will go back to normal. If they can just play a game, everything should be OK. So Steve borrowed the game from Phil and brought it today.

Bucky is in his usual space by the window, but something is different. Steve is struck by the changes in Bucky. He seems more content, more at peace with himself. Instead of the constant inner turmoil that Steve usually sees behind his eyes, whether he is crying or not, Bucky seems to just be contemplating things calmly.

Steve just stands there for a minute taking it in until Bucky turns to him and smiles. The smile is real, a smile of a person who is happy, not the sad smile that Bucky normal gives. Steve can’t help but smile back, big and wide.

“Hey, Bucky,” he says in greeting from across the room. Bucky gives him a small shy wave. Steve walks over to the table and sits down, just as usual. “I brought a new game. I think you’ll like it.” Bucky extends his hands to take the game from Steve to look at it. As he does, his fingers brush against Steve’s. He doesn’t react poorly. In fact, it seems that Bucky did it on purpose. To Steve this means that aren’t back to normal, they’re better than normal.

But this new development makes him nervous as well, so he starts to ramble. “I think I’ve told you about my friend Phil. Well he brought this game over to game night the other day and I loved it. I think it is one of my new favorite games. He let me borrow it. But be careful with it since it is not mine.”

During all this, Bucky just takes out the instruction booklet and starts flipping through it. He’s not ignoring Steve, he just know how Steve can get when he starts talking in run-on sentences.

“It’s a cooperative game,” Steve continues. “We are explorers trying to find treasure and then get off the island before it sinks.” Bucky keeps calmly flipping through the instructions as Steve continues to explain the rules of the game.

“Since it’s cooperative, we have to discuss a plan together. But we’ve always gotten by with pointing, so I think we’ll be fine."

 _“Wait,”_ Bucky signs. _“I want…”_ he pauses looking for the word probably. He starts to look frustrated and gives up. He gets up from his seat, surprising Steve, and walks over to the other side of the common room. There he finds a piece of paper and a pencil and brings them back.

Steve hadn’t heard that Bucky had made any progress with writing, so he’s curious to see what Bucky will do. Struggle, as it turns out. He holds the pencil to the paper for a long time before he actually starts to move it to form words. _I want to try talking,_ he eventually ends up writing.

Steve is shocked. First writing, now he wants to talk. When has Bucky been making all this progress? Bucky looks nervous. He is biting his lip and waiting for a response.

Steve resolves to make his reply as encouraging as possible. “Of course,” he says, “I would love to hear you speak. You can say as much or as little as you want.”

Bucky brightens with a big smile. Then he goes back to biting his lip, this time looking like he is concentrating very hard on something. He opens his mouth a few times, but no words come out.

Steve decides to move on and let Bucky figure out whatever it is he is trying to do, so he starts on setting up the game board.

“Thank you,” Bucky says aloud. It’s so soft that Steve can barely hear it, but Bucky signs while he says it, so the message is clear. Steve is so happy to hear Bucky’s voice. It is husky with lack of use, but he can tell it is deep and rich. He can’t wait until Bucky is saying full sentences. He thinks he could listen to Bucky talk all day.

Steve gets his head out of the clouds and says, “You’re welcome.” Bucky smiles shyly, still biting his lip a bit.

They play for a bit without Bucky saying another word. Each round, Steve pauses to make sure that there isn’t something Bucky wants to say. But for a while, Bucky only communicates with pointing or holding up cards.

The island starts sinking around them, and they still haven’t gotten all their treasures. “Do we shore up the Tidal Palace or the Whispering Garden?” Steve asks Bucky, expecting him to point to one of them. Bucky instead points to a completely different tile. “What? We don’t need that one, do we?” Bucky nods his head and points again. “No, I think that’s not a good idea, Bucky,” Steve disagrees. “If we lose the Whispering Garden we lose the game.

Bucky points again. “There,” he says, quite loudly, surprising both Bucky and Steve. Bucky shrinks back a little after that outburst, but he still points to the tile again. Bucky draws a path from that tile to the landing pad. Steve had forgotten that they’ll lose the game if they can’t get to the landing pad. That tile is the only way to get there, and it could come up any moment. The other two were in the discard pile, so they were safe for now.

“You’re right, Bucky. How did I not see that? Do you want to use one of your sandbags for that?”

“Yes,” Bucky responds while nodding his head. Steve thinks it’s cute that Bucky uses gestures on top of speaking aloud. He’s probably gotten used to using them.

They finish the game, just barely escaping the island in time. Bucky doesn’t use any more words, but Steve thinks he already did a great job.

Steve packs up the game to go as visiting hours draw to a close. “See you on Thursday Bucky,” he says while standing up. Bucky gets up too and draws closer to Steve. He opens his arms for a hug, and Steve lets him in.

“Bye,” Bucky whispers in his ear.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warnings for this chapter: Descriptions of rape and abuse. DO NOT READ this if this is a problem for you. You can skip to the next chapter without losing too much.

“You’re avoiding the subject,” Sam tells Bucky in their session. They have an interpreter now, but Bucky has had a hard time opening up with this stranger in the room. Sam has tried to get Bucky to basically pretend he’s not even there, but it hasn’t been working. Sam once again wishes that Steve were here, but he understands why Steve had to stop. He should have thought about the toll it would take on Steve to be present during Bucky’s therapy sessions. Instead he was concerned only for Bucky. It was a rookie mistake he shouldn’t have made. He’s obviously getting too close to Bucky. It’s hard not to want to take care of this sweet kid who has been through so much.

“Don’t tell me you’re not hiding something,” he continues. “I can see right through you. There is something on your mind. Are you too scared to talk about it?” Bucky nods. No need for an interpreter for that. “Can you tell me why?”

“I can’t,” the interpreter translates for Bucky.

“You can, you just don’t want to. You have talked about a lot with me. Is what you are holding back that much worse?”

Bucky puts his head in his hands. When he lifts his head again, there are tears in his eyes. He nods.

“Why?” Sam asks.

Bucky starts signing quickly with violent gestures. “I hate it. I hate myself.” The tears start falling down he cheeks. He can’t keep signing. He draws his legs up onto the chair in the defensive position he normally assumes when discussing difficult topics.

“I know this is difficult Bucky, you can take a moment.” Sam hopes that a moment is all it is, that Bucky can finally tell him what this is about.

Bucky slowly starts to sign again, but he doesn’t look at either Sam or the translator. “Sometimes…” he starts. “I can’t do this.” He starts sobbing again. Sam really feels for him, but he needs Bucky to tell him what happened so they can move on.

“Bucky…” Sam starts, but it’s unnecessary because Bucky is continuing to sign.

“He made me…” he signs rapidly. “It’s not my fault.”

“I’m sure that’s true, Bucky,” Sam tells him. “Whatever it is, you were not in control.”

“But I hate it,” Bucky signs. “I’m disgusted with myself.”

“Why don’t you tell me why you feel that way,” Sam prompts, trying to get to the heart of the matter. Bucky is evading, but this is the closest they have gotten to talking about whatever it is that causes him so much grief.

“You would think I’m gross,” the translators says for Bucky.

“Of course I wouldn’t,” Sam tells him. “Have I given you the impression that I would ever think something like that of you?” Bucky shakes his head.

“I’m not good,” Bucky tells him. He ducks his head between his legs, hiding, and Sam just waits him out. Finally he pulls his head back up and straightens up. He’s still crying, but there is a determination in his face. He still refuses to look at either of them, but he does start to sign.

“Sometimes… he made…” Bucky has to stop for a moment because starts sobbing too hard, but Sam can see he isn’t done.

Bucky wipes his eyes and looks up at the translator and starts to sign something. “He doesn’t know how to say it,” the translator says. Turning to Bucky he says, “Just spell any words you don’t know.”

Bucky starts spelling while pointedly looking at the floor, almost like he doesn’t want to see himself saying it. It’s pointless because the translator spells it out a second later.

“He made me…get off.” Bucky hides his head. He doesn’t want to see Sam’s reaction. Sam doesn’t say anything. He’s waiting for Bucky to tell him why this is a problem.

“How could I?” Bucky asks. “It’s disgusting.”

“Is that the problem?” Sam asks, “That your body betrayed you.”

“I didn’t like it. How could I?” Bucky continues. “I hate it.”

Sam waits a moment for Bucky to get all that out before he continues. He’s going to have a hard time explaining this to Bucky.

“It’s perfectly normal, Bucky,” he starts.

“NO,” Bucky says aloud, practically screaming it at Sam through his sobs.

“Yes, Bucky. It happens,” Sam tells him firmly. “You can’t always control your body.”

“He wanted it. He said I liked it.”

“You already told me you didn’t like it,” Sam reminds him, “So he was wrong.”

“But…” Bucky seems at a loss for words. He wants to object, but he can’t think of anything to say that he hasn’t already said.

“It’s a perfectly normal bodily reaction that happens to a lot of victims of rape,” he tells Bucky. “It does not mean that you enjoyed it. Him telling you that was his way of gaining power over you. Do you understand that?”

Bucky just shrugs. He’s still not looking at Sam.

“I’m serious, Bucky. I need you to understand this.” Bucky finally lifts his head enough to look at Sam. What he’s saying doesn’t seem to be getting through. “You did nothing wrong.”

“But,” Bucky protests, “What if it’s because…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, but it looks like he’s about to say something, so Sam doesn’t interrupt.

Bucky wipes away some fresh tears and sniffs before he starts signing again. “What if it’s because I’m gay.”

Sam just lets that hang there for a minute. He’s not really sure what to do with that. He hadn’t known that Bucky was gay. Was he openly gay, did his sister know? How had this not come up?

He pushes all the questions aside and thinks about Bucky. Before him is a scared boy who is afraid that he secretly liked being raped because he was gay. That somehow he deserved what he got.

“God, Bucky, no,” Sam gets out eventually. “It has nothing to do with that. As I said before, it could happen to anyone.”

Bucky tucks his head down again. He’s listening, but it looks like he won’t be talking again for a little while.

“Do you think there is anything wrong with being gay?” Sam asks him.

Bucky shakes his head a little hesitantly. Sam’s not sure if he is telling the whole truth, but at least that doesn’t seem to be the major concern.

“Good. Because I want you to be sure that there isn’t anything wrong with it. And any heterosexual man could also get aroused from sexual assault. It’s a physiological reaction that can’t be controlled. It’s not because of anything you did.”

Bucky still has his head tucked between his curled up legs. Sam just hopes that he believes what he’s trying to tell him.

“It’s happened to countless other rape survivors. That makes you no different from them. None of you asked to be assaulted, and not one of you would say that you enjoyed the experience, on any level. Yet you fear, what, that you secretly loved it because you’re gay? You fear that then means that you deserved it because of what you are? It just doesn’t work that way, Bucky.”

Bucky is trying to hide his sobs in his arms and legs, and is failing miserably.

“All that happened is that a sick man got the upper hand on a young boy, and he used your body’s normal reactions against you to cement his power over you. The things he told you were all lies meant to keep you in your place.

“But you’re not there anymore, Bucky. You’re free, and you’re free of his lies. Can you believe that?”

Sam waits while Bucky slowly unfurls himself from his wrapped up position.

“I didn’t want it,” Bucky says through the translator.

“Yes, you’ve said. You did not want it. That’s what makes it rape.”

A little slower, Bucky starts again. “I didn’t like it. It was gross and it made me feel like a terrible person.”

“That’s want he wanted you to feel. But now knowing that it’s a normal process you can’t control, what would you feel then?”

“It’s still gross,” says Bucky’s translator. “I don’t want to mix pleasure and pain.”

“Of course you don’t. What does that say about you? Do you still feel like a terrible person?” Sam hopes the answer is no. He needs to make some further progress today or Bucky’s nightmares will be the worse they’ve ever been.

“I don’t feel clean,” Bucky states as an answer.

“Clean?” Sam repeats. “In what way?”

“I can’t get him off me. I can smell him, feel him, even if I wash.

“If a simple wash won’t do, even the grimiest dirt can be destroyed with the right cleanser. We can’t, of course, just go out and buy bleach, but we have the tools we need right here. Think of our therapy as draino, for example. When you first pour draino, it sits there, and it looks like the problem is no better, possibly worse because now you have to get something to clear the draino as well. Let it sit, and over time the draino will have removed the clog and things can run smoothing again. Your drain is clogged with all the shit that man ever said or did to you that made you feel small and inferior. Our draino is bringing it out into the open to talk about it. It may seem worse right now, but as we go through it, the draino will start breaking apart the things that get in the way of you getting better. Soon the water will flow, washing away all the negativity, and all that will remain is purely Bucky.”

He may have beaten that analogy to death, but he’ll still stand by it. Hopefully it didn’t go over Bucky’s head. “Did you get all that, or did you want me to explain it again.”

Bucky spells out one word, “Plunger.”

Sam laughs. “No, no. You’re not ready for plunger therapy. Let’s try draino first.”

Bucky gives the faintest of small smiles. “OK,” he says aloud.


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist: more kittens!

Wanda and Phil surprised Steve that Saturday by taking him to a cat café. Steve had no idea that they even existed. He had told Wanda about Nat taking him to a shelter to play with kittens and she had taken the idea and stepped it up a notch. So here they are in a cat café. It’s basically a cat shelter, but you can come in and play with the cats while you drink your coffee. Much better than Starbucks. All the cats are up for adoption, which means that Steve is going to have a hard time following Nat’s rule of not bringing home more cats.

Wanda was kind enough to extend the invitation to Nat and Clint as well. It is nice to have all his friends together like this. Well all his friends except Bucky. Wouldn’t it be nice if Bucky could come too? One day Bucky will get out of the hospital, and Steve will have to bring him here.

The woman at the front desk gives them the spiel about the place before taking their drink orders. She tells them not to pick up any of the cats, and to wake a sleeping kitty at their own risk. Steve is sad he can’t pick any of them up, but he understands the need for that rule. Too many people coming in and picking them up would scare the cats too much.

“Good surprise?” Wanda asks.

“The best!” Steve responds enthusiastically. “How did you even find this place?”

“I read about it in a magazine article, and I thought about you,” she tells him.

“I want to go pet every cat here,” Steve says as he leads the way into the café. The others follow him, most amused at Steve’s enthusiasm. They don’t know how much Steve loves cats. How in all his years he has never gotten a cat of his own, Steve will never know.

The first cat that Steve encounters is passed out on one of the couches. He thinks about the warning about waking sleeping cats, but promptly ignores it. The cat is too damn cute. He sits down next to the cat.

“Uh, Steve,” Clint says, “I’m not sure you should pet that one, why don’t we go looking for one that’s awake.”

“Nonsense,” Steve says. Clint isn’t much of a cat person. He doesn’t understand the draw of an adorable cat.

Steve goes to pet the cat’s head. This turns out to be a wonderful idea because the cat rolls over into the touch and looks just that much more adorable. The move exposes the cat’s belly, which looks so soft to touch. He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t resist. He goes in to pet the belly.

And he immediately gets scratched. The sleeping cat is sleeping no more, and rears up to ensnare Steve in its clutches. It gets part of Steve’s sleeve, so he can’t pull away, and it keep scratching at him. Steve, idiot that he is, just laughs at this display of aggression while pulling himself away. Cats are too cute.

“Hey, you can get treats to lure the cats in,” Phil says as he comes over with a bottleful of cat treats.

“Sweet!” Steve says as he grabs the bottle without even asking if he could have it. He heads deeper into the café looking for more cats.

He shakes the bottle, and about three cats come running. One of them is extremely handsome. The cat is a solid dark grey color, and it appears to love the treats. Steve gets it to stand on its hind legs to get to one of the treats.

“Hey little fella,” Steve says to the cat. “What’s your name?” He grabs for the cats collar and reads the inscription. Dean Martin. “Hey, you guys,” he calls back to his friends. “This cat’s a member of the rat pack.”

“Nerd,” Nat says and Clint laughs. Steve isn’t offending by it. He loves geeking out about old timey stuff like that.

“I’m glad you seem to be having fun,” Wanda says to Steve.

“I don’t know how you guys aren’t loving this,” he replies back.

“Oh, we are,” Phil tells him, “Just not as much as you seem to be.”

Steve is slightly embarrassed, but Nat comes over and puts her arm around him. “We love how excited you are. It’s catching.” Steve grins at her and goes back to playing with Dean Martin.

“So,” Wanda starts, finally getting Steve’s attention. “How is your friend, Bucky?”

“He’s great, actually,” Steve responds. He keeps petting Dean Martin, who has gotten tired of treats and is starting to fall asleep next to Steve. “We started communicating better and now everything is going real well. Bucky is happier than he has been in a really long time. He’s starting to speak, and we’re back to playing games together as usual.”

“That’s great, Steve,” Wanda tells him. “I was starting to worry the way you would talk about him during game night, it seemed that he wasn’t doing well.”

“He really wasn’t for a while. But we worked some things out and now it’s much better.”

“You talk about him a lot,” Wanda says. “I know you guys are good friends, but if you don’t mind me asking, would you want it to be more than that?”

Steve contemplates the question. When Nat first declared he was falling in love with Bucky, he denied it. But over time, he came to see that she was actually right. His feelings for Bucky have gone way beyond friendship. When he first realized this, he was concerned about how Bucky would feel about this revelation. Bucky probably won’t be able to enter a healthy relationship for a long time, so Steve didn’t want to step in and complicate matters. But now? Now that they are communicating better again? Steve thinks that maybe, just maybe, he might have a chance with Bucky.

“Yes,” Steve says slowly. “I think I would like that very much.”

Nat just about squeals from the corner of the room. “I knew it,” she says. “I knew you wanted him.” She gives another undignified noise expressing her delight.

“Jesus, Nat,” Steve says. “You don’t have to go all high pitched like that.”

“I’m just happy for you, Steve,” she says back. “It’s a big step to admit that you like him.”

“We’re all happy for you, Steve,” Clint tells him. “I think you and Bucky would be great together.”

“I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves,” Steve says. “I haven’t even told Bucky yet.”

“But you will, won’t you?” Nat asks.

“Actually, I think I will.”


	57. Chapter 57

“The five senses technique is working well,” Sam tells Becca during one of their joint therapy sessions. “Bucky tells me that he has successfully used it during several panic attacks.”

“That’s great news,” Becca responds. She turns to Bucky. “You think it’s working well for you?” he nods. Becca is relieved to hear that something is working. His panic attacks are his biggest problem that he needs to overcome.

“He still needs to work on some other grounding techniques when that one fails him,” Sam says. “That’s where you come in.”

“What can I do?” Becca asks.

“This will be for when Bucky goes home with you. If he doesn’t seem to be responding to his normal grounding techniques, there are things that you can do to help. During a flashback, Bucky can forget where and when he currently is. Your job is to help bring him back to the present.”

“So how do I do that?”

“You ask him questions. Have him tell you where he is, what year it is, who is president, things like that. It will force him to focus on the present, instead of getting stuck in a flashback of the past. Remind him that the worse is over, that he survived and things are better now.”

“Ok,” Becca says, “I can do that.” It sounds so simple, maybe too simple. Becca would say that she’s not sure that it would work, but Sam has proven to be quite competent at his job. She’s learned to listen to his advice.

Becca turns back to Bucky. “How are your nightmares?” she asks him.

 _“OK”_ he signs to her.

Sam elaborates for Bucky. “His nightmares and panic attacks are both getting less frequent. If it keeps going this way, soon he should be ready to be discharged.”

Becca is shocked and delighted. “So soon?” she asks.

“Not quite yet of course, but Bucky is definitely making progress in the right direction.”

“That’s really great to hear.” Becca gives Bucky a huge smile. She is so happy to hear that he is doing better.

“Bucky, would you like to say anything to your sister about how you think your progress is going?” Sam asks.

 _“I feel better,”_ Bucky signs to her. She is so happy to hear this. Last time she had come, he seemed worse off. Sam had assured her that it was just the dark before the dawn. She hadn’t quite believed him, but now here it is. Bucky, better than she seen him since she got him back.

Bucky continues to sign. _“I…”_ he hesitates. _“I am learning, it is not my fault.”_

“Your fault?” It hits Becca like a ton of bricks. “Why would you ever think it was your fault?" How could… how could he possibly think that. He was taken and held against his will. Why would he blame himself for that?

Bucky looks to Sam for help. He either doesn’t know how to say it, or doesn’t want to.

“Do you want me to tell her?” Sam asks Bucky.

Bucky signs one word. Becca translates it for him. “He says a little.”

“OK, Bucky,” Sam says. He turns to Becca to speak to her. “Many victims of abuse blame themselves. They feel that they deserve their abuse because of something they did or who they are. Psychologically, it is believed that the brain tricks you into believing this lie to protect itself. If the victim is responsible for their abuse, they might be able to avoid it in the future.

“Additionally, Bucky’s abuser was a very manipulative man. He often told Bucky that it was the things that he did that caused him to be hurt. If he yelled or struggled he would be hurt worse and blame himself for the pain. If he didn’t struggle, then he would blame himself for not trying harder. It is a Catch-22. We have been working on breaking the cycle of self-blame that can be so hard to escape from.”

Becca thinks her heart might break. Bucky has spent years under the control of a man who abused him, and now she learns that he manipulated Bucky into thinking it was his fault. If that man wasn’t already in jail, she would find him and break his neck.

She turns to Bucky, trying not to cry in front of him. She needs to be strong. She needs him to see that she cares for him without him thinking that he is hurting her. He doesn’t need to blame himself for anything else.

“You know it’s not your fault. I would never think that. I don’t want you thinking that either. Do you understand?”

Bucky starts spelling a word. _“Logically.”_

“Logically? What does that mean.” Bucky shrugs and turns to Sam.

“It’s Bucky’s way of saying that he understands that he shouldn’t blame himself, but that it is hard to feel it.” Sam explains. “After years of blaming himself, he still has to remind himself periodically that it is true. That’s another thing that we are working on in our sessions. I would feel more comfortable discharging him if he learns to accept that he is not to blame. It’s hard to do, and many victims of abuse have a hard time doing it. But I have faith in Bucky.”

Bucky smiles shyly, but tries to hide it by looking down at his lap.

Becca is glad to hear that he is making progress, but sad to hear that it is going to be a hard journey for him.

“It would help if you were to remind him from time to time,” Sam tells her.

“Of course,” Becca replies. “It will be easy to say something I firmly believe.”

Bucky looks back up at her, still wearing that shy smile.


	58. Chapter 58

The next day, they’re playing Munchkin, and Steve is internally freaking out. He has resolved to tell Bucky how he feels today. He has never felt more nervous in his whole life.

How do people do this? Most people ask other people out all the time. But Steve has never done it before. He has no idea what he is doing.

He’s afraid that if Bucky turns him down, it will change their friendship forever. It would be awkward and things would be strained. And that’s only if Bucky doesn’t kick him out and tell him to never come back.

He’s so nervous that he can’t concentrate on the game, which is a shame because it’s a really fun game. Bucky is certainly having fun chuckling at the cards. He is also beating Steve by a large margin, which always seems to put him in a good mood.

Bucky has been in a good mood a lot more recently. That is why Steve decided that now is the right time to tell him that he loves him. Bucky is definitely getting better. Steve’s affection for him is at an all time high.

Bucky triumphantly scores the last point and wins the game. He’s all smiles and Steve knows this is the perfect time. That doesn’t keep his heart from trying to beat its way out of his chest.

“Uh, Buck…” he starts. “I want to tell you something. You don’t have to do anything with the information, I just wanted to get it off my chest.” His chest that is barely containing his rapidly beating heart.

Bucky gives him a quizzical look. Better just get on with it instead of beating around the bush.

“I think… I think I’m in love with you.” He just lets that sit for a moment. The moment drags on in silence, and Bucky hasn’t reacted at all. “It’s OK if you don’t love me back, I totally understand. I just wanted to tell you. I care about you in a way that I think has gone beyond friendship. I just thought it would be wise to let you know so you can figure out what to do with me. It wouldn’t be fair to you to keep going like this if you didn’t know.”

Steve stops his rambling and nervously waits for a response from Bucky.

Bucky gives it to him in the form of tears. Tears that go unshed, staying in his eyes for now. But he also gives a small smile through the tears. Steve doesn’t know what to make of that, but it can’t be a good sign.

Bucky starts to sign. _“I want…”_ he stops there and starts to look frustrated. Steve knows from experience that it’s the look he gives when he wants to say something, but doesn’t yet know how to sign it. He grabs the pen and piece of scrap paper that Steve had been nervously doodling on. He holds the pen above the paper, but doesn’t write anything. He still looks frustrated.

Steve is starting to worry that this is going to be bad. What does he want? Does he want Steve to take it back? Does he want Steve to go away? Does he want him to never come back? A hundred different possibilities flash through his mind, and not one of them is good.

Bucky gives up on the piece of paper and looks Steve in the eye. One of his tears has shed down his face and he wipes it away quickly. He starts to sign again.

“I want you.”

Steve doesn’t react at first. Did Bucky just say that? What does that actually mean. Is it the beginning of “I want you to go away?” No, Bucky knows how to sign that.

Could it be that this is real? That Bucky wants him in the way that Steve wants Bucky?

“Really?” Steve asks timidly. “You want to be with me?” Bucky nods his head.

But then he holds his hand out in front of him. Technically not the right sign, but Bucky uses it to say “wait.” There’s a “but” coming, Steve knows it.

Bucky gets out the paper and pen again. And sure enough, he starts with one word: “But…”

Bucky is going to turn him down. He probably only said that he wants to be with Steve to make him feel better. But now he’s going to say that he doesn’t actually want a relationship with Steve.

Bucky keeps writing and then hands the paper to Steve. Amid the sketches, Bucky has scrawled one sentence. “I need to take it slow.” Steve looks up amazed, and he sees that Bucky is looking shy, biting his lip and waiting for Steve’s response.

Steve is elated. Of course Bucky needs to take it slow, Steve already assumed that. But he didn’t think that Bucky would actually agree to a relationship in any way. Steve can’t believe what he just read. Tears come to his eyes, and now he understand why it looked like Bucky was crying before. He was happy, just as happy as Steve is now.

“Of course, Bucky,” Steve reassured him. “I understand. We can take it as slow as you want.” He smiles widely to show Bucky he means it, but the affect is somewhat ruined by the tears that threaten to fall down his face.

“I’m not exactly an expert at relationships, Buck. I would actually prefer if we take it slow. We can move at a glacial pace, and I’ll be happy just knowing you want to be with me.” He smiles again, a warm and genuine smile. He means every word he says.

Bucky smiles with him. He holds out his hand and reaches towards Steve’s. Steve holds out his hand too so that Bucky can take ahold of it. Bucky grips his hand, not hard, but with determination. They stay like that for a while, grinning like idiots at each other.

Steve’s world just exploded with happiness. For the first time in way too long, he knows that his future is going to be bright.


	59. Epilogue

**One year later**

“Where do you want this box?” Nat asks.

“In the back bedroom,” Steve replies. He’s about to keel over with exhaustion in the heat, but he can still direct traffic.

He’s moving in with Bucky. He’s moving in with Bucky. He still can’t believe that Bucky agreed to it, but here he is, moving in with Bucky.

The last year has been fantastic. It had it’s ups and downs, but mostly things have just gotten better and better. Both he and Bucky have been making steady progress in their recoveries. Steve may always need a therapist, but he doesn’t feel depressed anymore. Not when Bucky is around. And now he’ll be around all the time. He still can’t believe he’s moving in with Bucky.

Bucky was released from the hospital nine months earlier, and went to live with Becca. But in the last month or so, Bucky has been at his and Nat’s place almost all the time. He frequently spent nights over, and was practically living there already. So when Nat wanted to move her relationship with Clint to the next level and asked Steve to move out, Steve asked Bucky to be his roommate.

Well, roommate might be the wrong word. He and Bucky have been going out for a year now. What that means for them is… complicated. Bucky has gotten much better with touch now, at least with Steve. So they can hold hands and cuddle, much not much more, at least not yet. Steve is happy with the situation, but he knows that Bucky still struggles with wanting more, but not being able to get there yet.

Bucky comes in, sweat pouring off his back. _“Becca’s here with the second bed,”_ he signs. Bucky can speak now, a little, but he still prefers to sign if he can.

“Great, I’ll be out in a sec.” The second bed. He and Bucky agreed on getting a two bedroom apartment. When Bucky has a bad nightmare, he can’t stand to be touched for a while afterwards. Rather than exiling someone to the couch, they decided on getting two beds. Some nights they won’t be able to share the same one, and that’s OK.

He goes outside to find Becca with a mattress strapped to the top of her SUV. Phil is helping her get it untied and Clint is overseeing it. Nat passes him, still unloading boxes from the U-Haul. Wanda is right behind her with another box.

All of their friends are here to help them. More friends than Steve has ever had in his life. How has he gotten so lucky to find such great people in so short a time? His therapist would say that he wasn’t lucky, that he worked at it, but Steve still believes in luck. How else did he end up with someone as wonderful as Bucky?

The boys, minus Steve, end up getting the mattress off the car and into the house. The corridor to the second bedroom is small, so Steve has to direct them on the angles they need to move it so that they can turn into the bedroom. Soon they have the mattress in the bedroom. Nat and Wanda follow with pieces of the bedframe that will have to be assembled later.

The rest of the unloading of the U-Haul goes smoothly. By time they call it quits, all the boxes are in the correct rooms, but none of the furniture is assembled. Most of it is from Ikea, and no one has volunteered to help with that. That’s all right with Steve though. He oddly likes putting together Ikea furniture. He thinks of it like an art project. As long as you follow the steps carefully and don’t lose any screws, it turns out just fine.

Later, Becca pulls Bucky aside for a second while everyone is busy getting boxes into the correct rooms. Steve can’t help it but listen to what she has to say.

“I’m going to miss having you around baby brother,” she tells Bucky. “I want you to know how proud I am of all the progress you have made.” Bucky smiles at her, a wide bright smile. Steve knows that he wants to impress her by being as “normal” as he thinks she wants him to be. Steve thinks that Becca doesn’t care about what’s normal, she just wants him to be happy.

“I’ll still be around if you ever need anything,” she continues. “Just because you’re moving in with your boyfriend doesn’t mean I won’t be there to take care of you anymore, if you need it. Call me anytime.”

Bucky uses sign to reply to her. _“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”_

“It’s nothing, Bucky. That’s what family is for.”

Bucky opens his arm and lets Becca in. They hug for a moment and Steve takes the time to slip out so they can be alone.

Later, after they have gotten pizza and beer, everyone slumps on the floor of the living room to eat.

“I hope you guys like this place,” Phil says.

“I love it already,” Steve answers him. “There is some really great afternoon lighting in the back bedroom. I can set up a desk there to do my drawing.”

Bucky smiles at him. “Nerd,” he says playfully. Steve gives him small nudge. Bucky doesn’t flinch at all.

“How about you, Bucky,” Clint asks. “How do you like the place?”

Bucky signs his answer back to Clint. The two have become good friends because Clint can sign. Bucky feels more comfortable talking to him than anyone else in the group.

“Bucky says that he likes the feel of the place,” Clint translates for everyone else. “It feels like home.

“So, now you’ve moved in. What’s next?” Wanda asks.

Bucky smiles a big broad smile and speaks up. “Kittens!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end! I want to thank all my readers for sticking around this long. I started this story thinking maybe I’d get 100 kudos, but now I’m almost at 1000. This is my first fanfic and I didn’t realize how much support I’d get from you all. Reading your comments everyday made me extremely happy and kept me writing. So I can’t let this story go. There will be a sequel: Life is better with kittens. It will be mostly fluff about the boys getting a pair of kittens. Hope to see you all there.


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